Senior-itis

Senior year is here. Time to make some magic, if I can bring myself to conjure once again.

K

I've finally found a bit of substance to what makes K so great. What binds her to me in some metaphysical fashion.
The things that are important to me, the style in which I operate-and not just with her, but people in general-is guilty. I am guilty until proven innocent. I am a person who has to be faced with guilt in order to understand, in order to forgive, in order to change. She puts the guilt on me when I need to be faced with it.
All my virtues are vices. For each virtue she shoves forward the vice instead of letting it slide.
Her stubbornness reflects mine.
I can't even begin to combat this. With walls, with sly words, with subtlety. I can't dodge and chase. I can't scatter thoughts and play mental games. I become a thumb sucking baby when faced with guilt. I am not in control when faced with guilt. She takes away my control, and that is what is so important.

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

I guess it is funny how much a simple song can say about something. Our society has always based so much power and meaning in song lyrics. Many of the lyrics take root in our souls and in our minds and in our hearts. Those lyrics are carried with us forever. However, there are also those lyrics which we stumble upon in daily life, those songs that we never looked at twice, but suddenly mean something because of what has happened to us. The random occurrences of everyday life influence our taste in music, and which songs/bands we like at particular times. This must be true with everything, we search and hold onto deep meaning in so much. It's not just the Buddhists who believe in Karma. They put a name to it, they personify it in human interaction. But taking hold of something, finding a song that lifts you up or expands a single noun into lines of poetic rhythm. Not only that but lyrics, weather, attitude, reception, everything can be the entire basis for how a day can be shaped emotionally. Most importantly is perception. The way things are perceived by others. When someone stands up and gets in the way. When something occurs that seems to throw off the balance of the world. These things happen regularly, but do people have the power to handle them. Would it be fair to say that someone who gets depressed by the state of the climate around them is weaker minded than someone who is raped and can no longer face anyone, especially not men? Do they fall under different classifications, or are they the same? Does a chemical imbalance justify it or is the whole issue unquantifiable? I'm not really sure. Just like most things I just want people to try and cope. I want people to embrace their 'issues' and try to work past them. I guess that I've been misconstrued and abusive with my ideas and ideals. I never meant to harm anyone, and I think you all know that. I think part of the blessing/curse of people being incapable of staying mad at me for long is that you all know that I don't have any malicious intent with anything I say or do. I'm just trying to help you guys understand, but maybe instead of giving you the literary deep provocative version of me I should just hand over the spark notes version. This may make me sound like I am mincing words or being a hypocrite, but I am okay with that because all people are hypocrites. I try my hardest not to be, but I will not worry myself to death by trying to attain a level of perfection that is impossible in society.
To J: I received your invitation. I am sorry your letter felt the need to say what it did. I think some of the things you said didn't need to be said. I know that I am always invited. I got that memo, a long time ago. I'm glad it's still open. I'm sorry that I won't be able to attend your party because of too many responsibilities here on campus and not enough gas and no job-yet. As for your letter, well in all honesty that kinda just pissed me off. Yes, you are doing exactly what I am 'telling' you to do. Based on the way I am acting, the words I am saying you are doing what a person in 'normal' society should do. Yet, since when am I a functioning individual in society? Honestly, the fact that I need to explain to you that you are choosing the wrong wishes to respect, or respecting them in the wrong way. I never said leave me alone. I never said disappear. I said give me time. I said give me space. I don't understand how that can be so drastically misinterpreted. I stopped pushing you away to test you a while ago. I came clean over the spring. Since then it has been friendship, but a friendship that you keep trying to turn into something else. Yes you let me close, and I backed away. I backed away to keep this a friendship and nothing more, but you keep wanting to put me back against your heart. It's not that I don't want to be there, but all I am interested in is friendship. I'm not acting like I still care because I do still care. But the problem is J you think that the way I care for you is special. It is only significant and unique in the fact that you are an individual, a person who should be treated as such. I treat everyone the same in that I care for them and listen to them and genuinely want them to feel amazing. That is something you fell in love with I am guessing. I am sorry that it is a love I can't return. Hell I don't even know what love is, how can I return it? I don't know what you want from me, but I haven't gone anywhere. I have changed, I am much less of a naive little boy. However, I am sure you could still find a friend in me if you needed it. I just think the biggest thing will be you accepting that your feelings for me may not be reciprocated.
To S: Some would say I have nothing to apologize for, parts of me even feel that I have nothing to apologize for. However, I will do so. Maybe I have stopped just saying 'Hi' for the hell of it.
I am sorry people don't appreciate me spreading things via the 'public' eye. Yes anyone can stumble upon this website, but honestly who would stay captivated by it? Who would see more than just another anonymous person whining all over the internet? If I stumbled upon a random person's blog that said nothing more than personal things that I was not more deeply privy to I wouldn't stay long. So here is where our problems manifest themselves. But I get my ideas out better on the page rather than in voice. Sure there are other places to do this, but this is what the blog is for. I am putting myself, what is bothering me, my ideas and my thoughts in a secure place. I just make it available for people to read. I can't see how some of the things that I've said here haven't made people feel closer to me. I've explained a lot here, said a lot, but somehow things get skipped over. People like to concentrate on the hurtful things, or get an idea in their head and misconstrue. Perception is a deadly thing and I am playing with it. I guess it is like playing with fire. The old adage says that: "if you play with fire you will get burned." I guess I just can't learn the part about getting burned. Or maybe I just don't care. It could also be that I am so selfish that in the end I will do what is best for me over what is best for other people. Who knows? I don't, most certainly I am still discovering the truest parts of myself in the deepest recesses of my own cavernous mind.
What I don't get is that if I am still on my journey, then how can people expect me to open up to them? I don't want to paint them a false portrait, I don't want to lead them in the wrong direction. So I just force them to hang back, force them to wait until I put something down concretely in my mind. My journey is for me to walk alone, that is why it is mine. There are other journeys which can be made with others and I fully embrace those. Just the deep one, the one that everyone so eagerly wants, is mine and mine alone.
I do put bits and pieces of that journey here, like I have said. And I think it is about time for another sliver of information. Maybe this puzzle piece will fit well together with the other outside pieces that I've established. I do believe that I've given you all the outline to who I am, just all the meaty middle pieces refuse to fit together.
So love. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a better idea than I did even 8 months ago. Well I think I had a very good idea of what it is last fall, but that idea got lost in teenage adventure. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of things that S taught me about the world and myself and people in general, but they didn't necessarily fit into my previously referenced idea of love. They taught me about sexuality and where I fit into it. Which as a part of love is very important. It is a piece of love that I now understand better and appreciate more. It is a new factor into what love is. However, I am not here to discuss my sexuality as it pertains to love, but the less physical aspects of love. The emotional and intellectual aspects of love, those aspects of love that I hold in higher esteem.
Like for instance: what is the emotion of love? Where does it stem from? What are its facets? I don't think love is what they tell you in the fairy tales. I'm not necessarily talking about the chivalric knight on a white stallion type of thing either. I'm talking about the need for someone. I don't think love is something that one can't live without. Like all those stories about a heart dying when a true love dies. Like all those stories where one can't live without the other. I am not saying that one can't miss the one they love. I think that a requirement of love is loving yourself. I think that in loving yourself you learn that you don't need to love another or need another to love you in order to survive. I am not saying that if K broke up with me that I wouldn't be upset and depressed and lost for a while, but in the end I know I would move on. I would reattain this level of thinking that I don't need a relationship to survive. I am not a co-dependent person. I rely on myself. I think love is about giving, but you can't give if you don't rely on yourself.
So would I say that I am in love? No. I still am not totally positive about that definition. Also I think that K and I have a lot to learn about each other yet. But I do know that I am falling faster and harder with each day. And that alone gives me cause to cheer that I may discover what love is yet. I think that the end of the road to love is a journey that two people share.

Doomsday Blog (aka "Nadie")

I sense that I don't really have the energy for this at this point. What is the point? 'Nadie.' What an appropriate word. Nothing in the English language can placate my bleeding cliche. Honestly, where could I go from here? There is no up, and going down is just a painful process.
Still I find cause to smile. Or do I? What does anyone know or understand? Where do I draw the line? I don't draw the line. There is no line to draw. The sands of time are whipped away by winds so fierce even a hurricane can't compete. This struggle that society throws in my face daily, I refuse to accept. Over and over and over again culture tries to strike me into provocation.
The natural progression of my life has come to a halt. An impasse.

Not This Day... This Day We...

So Reach the Beach. Yeah. I did it. I ran fourteen and a half miles. In three legs. With three hours of sleep, in a muggy, sweaty, uncomfortable, cramped van. At least an hour of that was done sitting up in the form of 10 minute cat naps here or there. I survived on peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, and protein bars. I didn't have the funds or means to accurately prepare (food wise) for the race. Next year I'll set aside money for the event, and come prepared with TONS of food and drink.
I learned that Jenn Monroe needs to make some of her homemade hummus and let me try it. We also had plenty of conversations about this and that, time really just flew by. What a miraculous 30 hours.
So where to go from here, right? Nope. Training for next year will commence immediately. Well as soon as I wind down for a few weeks. Give my body some time to rest. It deserves it.
I ran hard and fast (for my level of training) and want to go harder and faster next year. My legs hurt pretty much constantly when I move up and down stairs and sometimes when I walk. It is mostly my quads. Which is tightening up my hams. I know I have shin splints but I only feel that if I go downhill. Which I only have to worry about shit hill. But then again it is all good pain anyway, because my muscles can't let the lactic acid build up and ravish them. My body needs to keep moving and not tighten up. I don't want to lose any muscle mass, and very little of my fitness from this. I need to train for next year, and all the races in between.
My next race is going to be right after Thanksgiving. It is just a 5k, going back to my old XC roots. It will be so nostalgic running on that golf course. But in order to feel adequately prepared for that I need to put some more base miles underneath me and start some speed workouts and some thresholds. That means I need to find a track nearby.
This is going to be so much fun. Except I need someone to run with for most of this. Maybe J will be interested in training with me. Maybe he won't do the hard workouts, especially if he's not racing, but maybe he'll come and time me or help me keep motivated and on pace.
Yeah. Also I am the President of the RHC. We are now entering week 4 of school and I still don't have a job. However, I've become actively involved in almost every other facet of campus life. 6 classes, leadership organization, intermural sport, workshops, OL (this still applies believe me), and now what? I need a job. I have K and a social life. I love to lounge around and have fun. But I got so much hw to do too.
It is said that it is hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. I want to apologize if I forget that I am trying. I've never had this much on my plate. I'm usually the type that stands by and watches change, reaping the benefits, not the one trying to enduce it.