Life can be so fucking funny sometimes...

it's so hilarious when you can be having a pretty damn good weekend and it all changes in on 48 minute phone call.
when you're sitting there and your stomach drops again and you feel tears welling inside.
when it is compounded by more dire news.
WTF
:sigh:
i need star trek... time for a long kirk and picard marathon... somehow when those two make with saving the universe everything that is wrong becomes petty and ignorable... *holds up glass in toast* here's to drowning one's sorrow in cherry coke and womanizing space cowboys...

What does she see in me?

What do I see in myself?

I see different things at different times. It's nice to see what others think about you, even in a public atmosphere. Just imagine had we actually been dating... :- /. Yeah that woulda been cool. Or different. Maybe she wouldn't have forgotten our song...

The second side of the coin...

And then it falls on passion's killing floor that everything is okay. All is abated. Happiness swells. What you expect to find is there. What do you expect to find? A swelling of the heart as it tries to burst through your chest, a hollow pit in your gut, burning in your ears, mind a racing? Could you control such emotions, dancing with nervous jitters? Ha. Been there, done that. Still I would choose the evil. Because the happiest moments came from the total opposite. And still I find myself overwhelmed with jealousy, joyous jealousy. When one is happy, the next closest person is upset. It is how life goes, trading a finite amount of joy from one person to the next. Sharing it equally among friends and family.

... Hybrid Rainbows & Imperfect Times

Of all the things I've said and done, I have nothing left. I am undone, flayed alive, burned at the stake. My words sink in, fresh wounds to scar my permanently. They are markers of time, of things said, of things meant, of harm done, of good rendered. Always seeking redemption for past sins. Past lives catching up with me. A good heart, always after the wrong things. Entering into agreements only to be stricken down. I strike myself down. No not a martyr, not a suicide, not death. Resurrection in...

Ba dum chhhhh

So I'm done being miserable... but that's just leaving me more miserable. So the facade must go up and I must hide behind a fake smile once again. Yay. So much of me wants to just hole up inside a dark hole and not come out... not for the reasons you are thinking... for other reasons... but I can't. I can't just ignore you people, you guys are too amazing... so idk what I'm gonna do.

And so it goes... Que Sera Sera

He has cancer and I can't just ignore it anymore. I can't shrug it off and make it be a normal thing. I can't disillusion myself to the fact that it can't happen to me, to my family. Now it has. Now it is real. Now I hate it with even more fiery passion. Now I believe even less in God. If no amount of prayers helped me before, then why would they help me now? So what is it that I believe then? Is he doomed to die from this awful disease, because we all know I lack faith in modern medicine as well. He has had a good long life, but is it worth prolonging for just a little more time? I want him to be a great-grandfather. I want him to see my kids some day. I want him to be taken by a peaceful sleep of age, not a festering virus that will consume not only his body but all the resources our family can scrounge together. Does this mean I am so naive when I talk about not finding care for my own life in such a situation? How can I say those things, then react this way? All I can justify it with is that everyone else is more important than me. But is that in itself a facade too? This is stupid...

PS

I didn't post a creative arts selection for last week. :(
And this week's one is due... today. So... ummmmmm... how bout this?

“Icarus”

I hope you are not abject to my feelings of foreboding as I fly ever closer to the sun of despair. Burning through my wings, melting my heart, I stumble over your fumbling footfalls. Fearing you will trip over my words, I stutter into my shelter. My comfort zone where I glide into oblivion, a place where only I can exist. That shadow, the darkness, the utter black pitch of nothing is home. I’d welcome you in, but I regret to inform you that I have not prepared for your arrival. The old saying goes that you will come when least expected. So here you are, not when expected, but not unwelcome. Let us just sit here, fighting against the event horizon, little guppies swimming up stream. We will never make it alone, but together the sun can not burn us both. I will reach into your safety and fill my empty. Euphoria, even in pain so extreme it bespeaks, threatens death. It whispers into the heart, into the soul. It teases so effortlessly, corrupting, enticing so perfectly we are helpless against its charms. So we follow. Leaving my place, leaving comfort, to fly close to the sun. It has tricked us. Now I must save you, for thy happiness is thine own. But it is like Odysseus returning home, finding his house plagued by suitors. I enter, a stranger to my own heart, strangers prodding it. Crimson clichés drizzle down their demeaning deceptions. They don’t even bother to hide anymore, just conquering. Alexander the Great moving in on the edge of the world. This is the edge of my world. Upside down and inverted, sitting on the magnifier. Here it is, a black and white. Worth a thousand words. Kept safe over centuries. Meaning scratched off from the rough hue of many fingers, all brushing up to get their copy. All I want to do is sit here, joined at your hip. But they told us to fly into the sun. So here I am saving you, making you last longer than I. Giving you the opportunity to grace the world with your beauty. Hidden behind a glass frame, admired by all. And mostly by me. In my memory you will stay. I have enough pictures. I melt them all beneath the sun, capturing them in memory, placing them next to yours. Finding peace here in my black hole sun.

It's been a while...

It's been a while... mostly because I actually want to post something intelligent, and partly because I want to be secretive for a while. I'm gonna start dealing w/ my shit on my own again. There are just too many people to trust, too many people interested, too many people who care... it spreads me so thin. I can't do that.

So updates:
I got a collective 5 hours of sleep over 3 days this past weekend. What a blast.
Work still sucks. But ranting about it helped. Thank you.
And finally, I have mixed emotions about life, we can just leave it at that.

There are flowers

afi seems to say it best right now.
guess chris is rubbing off on me.
the hair.
the cloths.
the music.
the attitude.
and still i find that i'm escaping somehow.
more than him.
different than him.
and still i float down this stream alone.
quiet pressing in on all sides.
there is only so much pressure a body can take.
i shut my eyes to wish it away.
but that remedy no longer works.

almost

i almost went a night w/o hanging all over her... holy crap... idk how it was possible... its getting better... but sometimes i still feel horrible about it... amen to being messed up...

they make me feel better...

holding them close... whether they are crying or just want to squeeze in my arms for a while... whether i can offer them my ear and support in the hopes that it makes them feel better... or that i am the first to know something...
thanks guys... it really makes me feel like i can do some good in the world...

...

So I can't text because I have come to the limits of pushing my dad on the subject.
So I have broken the barrier and started talking about furthering my independence from them.
We'll see what their input is. But if all goes well, by the end of the semester I should have a new phone with a new plan, which allows me to text all the time. Le sigh... the cost of doing business... society... what a fucking pain in the ass...

Little Moments...

well i guess i was wrong... fuckin' a. someone take off my head before i become a monster.

informational purposes only

i am attached like she is... but she isnt.
i see her like she is... but she isnt.
i get close like she is... but she isnt.
i notice her like she is... but she isnt.
i touch her like she is... but she isnt.
i think... and still she isnt... thoughts are just not enough.
and through it all i still care... because she isnt.

because i want her to be... but she isnt.
because patience is a virtue... so she still isnt.
because i can wait... so that some day she might.
because i am human... but friendship is stronger.

the form is a lil messed up cuz blogger sucks... but that's okay.