Another good night...

for writing of course. I started a new short story last night, I just wrote this brilliant poem tonight. I thought about sharing it here, but I don't think it's ready quite yet to be distributed. I think it needs to settle for a while first, digest. Then I'll think about it. Maybe it will come up here later, part of the weekly creative arts installment. But I just thought I'd mention that my writing has been picking up recently. I don't quite know why, but I'm not gonna complain.

Peanut Butter...

I took a rain check on the kiss. Polite of me, I know. Not really. I had permission, even though it was a joke. I understand that. Besides I don't want her feeling things too soon. It's not my time yet. I must still sit back and enjoy where I am at. I must appreciate what I have right now. Still there was no other thing I would have spent 3 hours doing. That was an amazing movie, with an amazing companion. It puts me in this wacky mood. Not a good one, in a fashion. It is a mood that I have oft felt. With her it was never consummated in the emotions that we felt for each other. It was never the right time to do anything more than kiss her or hold her tight. But that is all she ever needed or wanted. Still wants as far as I can tell. With her it was nothing but sweet loving. Not by the standards of the movie of course, but by a naive young lad, it was love. So again have I felt the throes of despair. For again can I not fully appreciate that which I have in my mind. It must remain in the mind. I feel that I now have the strength to do what I have been moaning about for the last three or four nights. That I can put away my differences and do what I want. I have a reason to keep on keeping on. Not that I didn't before mind you, but going 2 months without 'them' is hard. It's like being a nympho and not having sex. It's a delirious ride of pain and anguish and mixed feelings. That was me. I was a nympho without sex. And now I have had a delicious taste of that succulent drug once again. My old needle once again pumps it into my veins. It's mark left by pulsing blood and glorious veins. They burst through my skin, looking all the sexier in this ambient light. That single yellow light tilted away, lengthening the shadows. So many mental pictures. So many possibilities. I revel in these shadows. Ah how I love the darkness. And woe is me I see the light. I have my drugs again, no longer do I have to withstand these pains of withdrawals. By no means am I graced with the ability to shoot up often, for there is no consummation here, there is no possibility yet, just potential. However, just an infrequent moment like that which I experienced just a few short minutes ago, well that is all I need to survive. That is all I need to appreciate this adventure still, to endure it a while longer at least. I will endure it a while longer I guess. For these moments make all the pain go away. Their brief happiness, the fleeting reminder of its existence, is what makes the world go round. Right now my world is spinning quite fast, preparing me to fast once again. I'll wallow in self-pity and pain once again, but it will all be worth it when once again I can get to drink blood under a full moon.

"Noticed"

In my defense I would like to say that it was an accident. There is no way I could have known she was going to be there at that particular time. I was just messing around and then this had to happen. I mean come on she said she didn’t believe me.
Justice is cruel. Things just happen that way. They latch onto fallacies and half-truths, unaware that if they had patience then things would be better in the end. Instead the world aims for depreciation. And I am here to clean up the mess.
“I have to be here,” the sound is strange to me, even though it is mine.
“Why bother? One person can’t change the world,” a sonorous melody reached my ears this time.
“Why do you always sneak up on me?”
Scantly illuminated by starlight the ground lost its green sheen, instead appeared to be silver streaked blue. Funny how different things seem at different times of day.
“I can’t help it. Did I scare you?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
I rose from the dew laden ground, rubbing the cold moisture from my body. Tracing my usual path back to the city, I yearned for a companion. Someone to share this cruel world with. With the help of a partner things could be so much easier.
“You’re wrong. You’re better off with me,” the melody returned, echoing in my head.
“But. I can save more people when I don’t have to do it alone.”
“Others will just get in your way.”
“I guess you’re right.”
That voice was sweet nectar sometimes. It knew exactly how to solve my problems.
I make it back to my domicile before my alarm clock jumps to life. Warm in my room I settle under the blankets, ready to catch a few breaths of sleep.
“I hate that alarm. Why do you use such a droning sound?” the voice returned, muffled by my blaring alarm clock.
“To annoy the hell out of you. Now go back to sleep,” I reply nonchalantly. Six o’clock on the dot.
I felt the voice disappear, fade into sleep. Feeling my back straighten I knew the weight was gone. But as soon as one weight vanishes, another comes to take its place. As I dressed I felt my muscles complain, every movement was lethargic and took more effort than was worth.
But school was important; to me at least. I think.
Downstairs my dad was leafing through yesterday’s paper in his chair at the dining room table. A steaming mug of coffee was loosely gripped in his left hand. He was dressed for work, but I found it funny that he didn’t have to be in for another three hours and could walk the two miles to the office in not much more than thirty minutes.
“G’morning dad,” I said.
All I got in response was a grunt. Not like I ever got more than that. But it’s not about that.
“Did you leave any coffee?” I asked as I headed to the kitchen.
Before I got any sort of reply I noticed the empty pitcher in the sink and the empty can of coffee on the counter.
“You don’t need that stuff,” finally came my dad’s reply.
“That’s not what you said last year. You said that I don’t need the sleeping pills. I should just drink lots of caffeine,” I argued.
“Those pills were a drain on my income. And a waste,” he muttered.
“And coffee isn’t?” I responded.
“Some things are worse than others,” he said before taking a large gulp from his mug.
He is right.
I went to the fridge to find something else to help wake me up. Nothing. As usual. Oh well.
“Dad can I have five bucks for breakfast?” I asked, coming back into the dinning room to gather my things for school.
“No.”
That was simple enough. “Why not?” I feel like asking even though I know what the answer will be.
“Because I don’t want to give you any money.” Then as an after thought, “Shouldn’t you be heading off to school? I pay taxes to get you out of my hair. So run along.”
“I’m going I’m going.” It’s true, I am. There isn’t much to do anyway.
I think about last night, the cool hard pavement swiftly passing beneath my feet. Well it seemed like a normal night, possibly. I mean Cleo was there. Not much more to say than that. I’m glad he can get out and express himself in a harmless environment though.
Sometimes there isn’t any fighting those feelings you get. You know the ones deep inside your head. I don’t even realize they are there anymore. Cleo takes care of them. He sneaks up on me and lets loose his anger, disappears for a time, then comes back.
“Hey Sebastian,” blonde hair, blue eyed Susie came up to me with a jolly appearance. Frankly those pearly whites annoyed me a little sometimes. But she was my best friend, my only friend.
“Hi Susie,” I replied. There was an edge to my voice that I could not identify with. Cleo was probably having a restless sleep. Sometimes he would insert his hate into my daily activities. I dealt with the puzzled looks or the spiteful reactions. Maybe that’s why only Susie was my friend; she was always jolly and happy, nothing I said or did ever upset her.
“Did you sleep last night?” she asked innocently. She knew about what the insomnia, but not Cleo. No one did. He preferred it that way.
“A few minutes.”
“Oh.” Still that smile fought on. I detected some concern in her eyes, but by now she had to be used to it. I kept walking towards homeroom as she started to lag behind. She may have been heading to her locker, or just puzzled at how to continue the conversation. Sometimes it was like that. The conversation would drag, or we would be silent altogether.
Sometime later that day Susie approached me again.
“Hey,” she said. I had never gotten the shy vibe from her before, but this time she reeked of it.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I was just wondering—” she trailed off. She kept her head down when she wasn’t speaking and would not look me in the eye when she was.
“Wondering what?” I shut my locker and turned towards her fully. Again contempt welled up in my chest, but concern won out. Cleo was just jealous that I cared about Susie.
“I was wondering if you’d like to come to my house after school?” a sigh escaped her lips after she got it out.
I needed to get some homework done, but it felt wrong when I thought about saying no. How could I not? She was my best friend. “Sure,” I responded.
I didn’t think that smile could get any wider. “Will you walk home with me?” her eyes glowed. Well it seemed that way, but the light blue just got lost in the white reflection of the light in the ceiling. It was from having to look up at me. I am by no means tall, just an average five foot eight inches, but Susie wasn’t more than five one.
“Yeah. Of course. Shall I meet you at your locker?”
“Okay.”
I stared off after her as she almost glided down the hall to her next class. Her pink skirt flowed about her knees in rhythm with the fluid motion of her legs. Beautiful legs I must say. I couldn’t see much of them, she had stockings that came up just below her knee. Only a small glimpse of olive toned skin escaped in the movement of the skirt.
A couple “popular” girls walked by. I couldn’t make out what they said to Susie, but they snickered afterwards, along with several jocks nearby. I didn’t worry. Susie made some sort of polite reply and skipped on. I could hear her saying “Thank you” or something of the like, even though it wasn’t a compliment she had been given. She was so kind.
At the tolling of the final bell I hadn’t as much homework as I expected. Good thing too. I would have felt guilty if I couldn’t spend hours pouring over Calculus problems or Nuclear Physics equations. Taking time to study integrals and splitting atoms were Cleo and I’s favorite past time. He may get upset, but I would just let him out early or something.
I met Susie at her locker like we planned. That smile hadn’t faded at all and we started to walk to her house in silence. For some reason there wasn’t much to say. I stole glances at her as we walked, noticing her lithe form or the curve of her chin and neck. Sometimes she would look at me and smile, then when we both looked away I would catch the smile fade in my peripheral vision. It would still be there, but it lost some of its luster.
“You know what I just realized,” I said at last.
“What?” she replied.
“That I have no idea where you live.”
“Heehee. I know.”
“Where is your house?”
“You’ll see.”
I shrugged. A mystery. I like it.
“There it is,” she said at last. Nestled with a bunch of other plain, white shingled, run down houses was Susie’s. We walked up an uneven stone pathway and up to the front door.
It was open. Susie swung it inward, but remained standing out of the way so I could enter before her.
“Ladies first,” I politely replied to her sweeping hand gesture. She smiled in response and entered her house. I followed suit and stopped while she closed the door behind me. It was a nice home. Plush carpet, two floors, and well furnished; it was nothing like what the outside hinted at.
“You home Susie,” a deep voice called from one of the rooms of the house.
“Yes dad,” Susie replied.
The big man came out of what appeared to be the dinning room on the left. A remote in one hand and a half empty beer bottle in the other.
“Who’s this?” he asked.
“Sebastian. He’s a friend from school,” Susie said. I felt awkward with my messenger bag weighing down my left shoulder.
“Hi sir,” I said.
“Is that what you kids are calling it these days,” was his reply.
Susie grabbed my hand pulled me towards the stairs, “I’ll show you my room. Later dad.”
“Keep that door open Susie, you understand me,” he called to our backs.
“I will dad,” she replied. At the top of the stairs she dragged me to the left and into a small room. Pink walls, pink sheets, pink comforter, pink pillow case, pink everything. Girls and their pink. I have nothing against pink; just so much isn’t good for anyone’s eyes.
“This is my room.”
“It’s pink,” I state flatly.
“You don’t like it?”
“Do you like it?”
“Yes.”
“Then I like it. So why did you want me to come over? Help with homework?”
She didn’t reply right away, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.” I was puzzled to say the least.
“Why can’t you sleep?”
“I have insomnia.”
“Well then why aren’t you taking any medication?”
“My dad doesn’t want to pay for it.”
“I could help you sleep.”
“How?”
“I know some natural remedies.”
Truly intriguing. It would be nice to sleep again. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It wouldn’t be good for me. I should go.” I turn to leave, resolved, uncomfortable. Homework was important.
“Wait.”
It was too late. I was out the door.
Home alone again.
“It’s about time,” Cleo returned. He sounded upset. That was to be expected with how late I was.
After dinner I headed back up to the mountain. Clouds obscured the moon and its silver glow. However, I had been up there so many times that I could find my way on the darkest nights.
Maybe Susie is the one who could help me save people. There is so much to accomplish and so little time. Her kindness would be a great asset.
“Don’t kid yourself,” Cleo was skeptical.
“Why not? She is nice. You can’t deny that,” I replied.
Like me, she didn’t care about social status. Such things are below people like us. Society taints everything it touches. There is so much pain and sorrow. No one is solving a damn thing. All there are is perception after perception. Pointing the finger at someone else to edge out of the blame. Everyone is to blame.
“Even the innocent child that just popped out of its mother,” Cleo agreed.
“No. It’s innocent,” I argued. “You’re missing the point.”
“Who’s missing the point?” Susie’s voice rang out from behind me.
I didn’t turn around. I could feel anger well within me. Cleo didn’t like visitors when he was expressing himself. I was just a helpless bystander.
“Sebastian?” Susie persisted, coming to stand right behind me.
Cleo just lashed out like he was used to. He couldn’t help it. This was his time. She interrupted it. He dealt with her appropriately in his mind. Some things are worse than others. My dad was right.
I couldn’t do a thing. Cleo had complete control. I wouldn’t have harmed Susie. I liked Susie. She was my best friend, my only friend.

* * * * * *

So what do you think? I think it's a pretty weird story. I wrote it for my intro to fiction class last semester. It was the second story I wrote for that class. So it is actually thrown together over the course of two weeks. I liked it was it was coming out, but it still needs some editing. However, right now I don't really like it enough to edit it, so I'll put it up here.
Next week I'll put up another one. Enjoy.

I have an idea...

I have a brilliant idea forming inside my head. 10 points to whoever can name what movie that's paraphrased from. So I'm gonna put a few short stories up here. I don't think I'll do them all at once, that is overwhelming. But I think I will do one a week if I have one, and if I don't I'll do poems until I run out of those too. But this could help me focus my writing and start writing a bit more. So I can do a blog nightly (if needed of course) and write for a while every night. Yay schedules.

New Template

So I picked this new template to spice things up a bit. Idk maybe it will attract more attention... :shrug: A vain effort possibly. Also I have had google adsense for 3 months now and haven't gotten a single cent, not even a single click. w00t. at least it is free. i guess. i really thought that the reason i was doing this was that i was finally gonna get some foot traffic, but 3 ppl isn't enough to constitute actual monetary earnings. i guess i need to write about interesting stuff. or put up funny & lame videos. who knows. i dont actually need money. but it'd be nice. society says i need moneys to survive. total lame in my book, but while i dont mind dying... i think there are 3 ppl who will read this and instantly object to that idea, at least for now.

my shell...

where have you gone. i want you back. i just talked with anna, she came and visited chris and i just to chat and say hi. she's a cool ra. but yeah i did a lot of talking and bragging, well not so much bragging, but i did a lot of talking. it got a weight off my chest. just talking about silly ol' stuff that don't matter much. you know my past and stuff. a lil about who i am. complaining about my normal things. yes that's the bragging lame part. talking about how much my dad sucks and such. uggggh i go on and on and on. i need to staple my mouth shut. need to stop talking. ive forgotten how to listen. well i still listen. but i need to shut up. i need to stop. i need my shell back. i need to hide and not be seen. i need to sneak up on people. i need to vanish into the shadows and still be there. i need to stop being so open. i dont care if i wear my insecurities on my chest for all to read. i dont care if people can read me. i dont care what people think of me. (actually i really do, but not in the way most would imagine, and i try my damnedest not to care what people think because it is only my opinion that matters) i think that is why i am acting the way i am. i am finally embracing the whole idea that i am me and im gonna do what i want when i want to. im gonna be who i want to be. do the stuff that makes me happy. i guess that has really opened me up. so its a good thing? idk maybe its cuz im still uncomfortable with it. its hard to be a stranger to yourself sometimes because you've changed so much. jess used to talk about being in a cocoon all those years of high school, well if that was true then i have definitely hatched a moth. now i am flying and showing off and being me. i am a new me. i want the old me back sometimes. the old me wouldn't really do these things. well i did on occasion, but that was me getting really comfortable and then screwing up. if i let my guard down ill screw up. i dont want that. i cant let my guard down. its falling, crumbling, and i need to put it back up. idc what ppl see as long as i feel that i am in control, that i am still hiding things from people. it doesn't count that the way i act all day is partly a show to please others. it doesn't count that i write these blogs and let out a lot of emotions that i normally wouldn't be able to let out. i think i need to stop writing these for a while and do them in my head again. that is what i used to do. it served me well. it worked. if i go back to that will i return to the way i was? will i be quiet and shy and timid again? will people like that me? idk ne more. sometimes i go to bed telling myself to try it, and it never ends up working. two nights in a row. two nights. fucking a. i told myself id stop. but no. the door has been opened. bleh. maybe im still stretched too thin. maybe im stretched in the wrong places. trying to be friends with everyone doesn't really work. having so many different groups that work independently of each other that you feel obligated to hang out with doesn't work so much. so i contradict myself even now, i try to do things for myself only, but i feel obligated to hang out with certain people. i should just hang out with the people i want to hang out with. maybe then i wont be failing two classes. and then i wont be so depressed. i wont be as stupid. i wont be stretched so thin. it doesn't help that work really might not have been a good idea. at least not the job i got into. it's got weird hours, lots of travel, and is very stressful. one freaking screw up and im out of the job. uggggghhh i hate the real world. and they wonder why people die so young or get so depressed or so stressed out and do all this other crap. ill admit some of it is their own faults, but for some it is also because society is freaking L-A-M-E! sometimes i just wanna say fuck this shit and move on to the next adventure. ahhhh to die would be a great adventure. bloody brilliant.

FLCL

I need a long break. I need to fucking stop. I need to shut the door. Close myself off again.

blogging blogging blogging... keep me from blogging...

jk
i like blogging. its fun. it lets these three or four ppl know what is going on in my head.
when they can understand. i love how only those who i want to understand actually understand and those who just read it can try but they still dont understand fully. its cuz i leave everything so vague that it can mean a lot of things. yay me. not...
i figured out why i am depressed. and now that im writing this i cant remember. dammit.
well in the mean time. im gonna apologize to her. last night was interesting. im sorry if i took it too far. if i didnt heed any real noes or stops or whatevers. i guess we need to come up with a safe word. i think thats the best option with me. there is no middle ground for some reason. im either too cautious or out of control. like bad out of control. and i dont even realize it til afterwards. i think that is when i get the closest ill ever get to hurting myself. cuz i feel so bad. i really fear my own strength. my own lunacy. my own in ability to control myself. it freaks me the fuck out. and i am in the middle of doing it telling myself to stop or ease up and the "she likes it" overwhelms me and justifies it all. making it okay. when its really not. shes not my gf. even if she was. i dont want a repeat of that experience. going so crazy that i scare her. im glad she said something. really glad. now i fear myself even more.
so add that to the list. that i fear the future and myself.
but onto why i am depressed. i think its cuz there is something that i want so bad and cant have. i want it at an in human level, in human to my mind at least, at a beastial level and it disgusts me, making me even more depressed. so im extra depressed. and i dont want it. i try telling myself that i dont want it. i mean i like her, quite a bit actually. but some of the reasons i like her are the wrong ones in my head. i dont want them to be there. and the rest are just shallow simple stuff that i would prefer myself not to like her this much for. i want to be her friend. not big brother, god not that. i want to be her friend and get to know her a bit more deeply before i start to like her. and i dont even trust my own judgment. i feel it is tainted. that whatever connection i feel is wrong based on my wrong feelings toward her. uggghghh its just a whole bunch of wrong and right. why does everything need to be boiled down to wrong and right. cant it be simple. like me. life is so much easier when things are simple. but life cant be simple. bleh.
i think my hair is still long enough to need someone to hold it back while i puke. anyone up for the honors. and if i cant write tomorrow its prolly from going psycho on a tree. and by psycho i mean brutalizing myself.
i think its gonna be dangerous when i sharpen my nails into points. i think im dangerous for her. after tonight. having no control. just pressing harder and harder. that wasn't even it all. i could go so much harder. could get so much more fierce. im not even that strong. maybe i shouldnt start working out. id break her. i already almost break her. uhhhhhhhhnnnnnnn... can i die now... i want this adventure to be over...


comments are cool... even if you are speechless... or at least approach me in person or on the interwebs... that'd be cool too... cuz ranting does some things... but when im apologizing it'd be nice to know that the apology is accepted... idk... bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

by this one...

i mean this bout of depression... this urge to punch a tree, one with really rough bark that will tear open my knuckles and latch onto my skin. bark has such wonderful texture. you can't really appreciate it until you've tried to apply enough force for it to meld with your skin...

doodle

does she still read this?
>i like to think she does.
am i still alive?
>sometimes i dont want to be
what is going on?
>this is a long one. idk what is going on. i am depressed it seems. my shell is crumbling and i am starting to over compensate for it. i cant sleep well. i miss not having to dote upon her. i miss the company. i miss the intimacy. and to make matters worse i am falling. falling hard. why? i dont know. desperation. yeah desperation just to screw it up again. what a fuck up.
>its too bad too.
>oh well... time to go sleep this one off as well.

I likeses...

Comments.

They are nice.

And help my self-esteem.

And make keeping this worth while.

But yeah.

HI!

Totally righteous dude...

So tonight I made out with a guy. First time. It was amazing. I don't want to hurt his feelings by not being physically aroused, but it's gonna be hard for me the first time. Being forced to suck a penis when you are in 3rd grade doesn't really leave you well off with other men. Since then I've clung to me mum and women like none other. That's why I can so easily be one of the girls.
Now I haven't sworn off the female race entirely. I'm bi. I treat people as people, not based on gender, race, or creed. Okay maybe a lil bit on the religion thing, but that's for another story. I can be romantically attached to men, I flirt with them. It hasn't produced results yet, and there is a major mental block. But I don't want that mental block to be there forever. I want to find the person for me, not the woman for me, not the man for me. The person. They can be male or female. You never know. It's just gonna take some time for me to move into the whole sexual aspect of a relationship with a man. I have faith that I can do it, but there will need to be time and patience involved.
Ahh... he is such a romantic. It's cute. I felt kinda bad that my heart wasn't racing as fast as his - believe me it felt good and I liked it - but again with the mental block. Stupid traumatic childhood experiences. Can't change them, they are in the past, but I will work on the future.

I don't want to be alone...

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't even know what I am doing. Dying my hair, that is a conscious choice and it is a good one. Dressing in drag, that is a conscious choice and it won't be a big thing, but I'm just gonna rid myself of my inhibitions every once in a while. But this other thing. The "in-your-end-o" shit that I am pulling, is me getting too comfortable. It's not good, I can't get comfortable with a surrounding. There needs to be drama, there needs to be a necessity for me to be serious and stable. Otherwise I am like I am now, fucking off the walls and crazy. I am taking some of this too far. I know some people don't mind, but I need to stop before it gets out of control. I am out of control. Jeeze I'm fucking basically down her fucking pants for fucking christ's sake. She has a gf. What the fuck is wrong with me. I know her being a vulnerable virgin is very appetizing, but that's not me. And I'm sorry to her. Not to mention all these perverted jokes. She's right, I can't got freaking 5 minutes without making one. I'm not serious. I mean there is no need for me to be serious. Everyone is starting to get jolly again. There is no drama. There are no problems. Well I mean I am having my own. But I don't know how to feel about that. It's just driving me up a wall. I'll give her props for hanging on tooth and nail as I unconsciously push her away harder and harder, but some people need to learn to quit for a while. She just needs to quit while she's ahead. For some reason she has scared me off and I can't figure out why. It doesn't help that she is blowing it out of proportion and making me think about it. Bad idea. I don't solve problems right away. I need to think on them in my own time. And I don't want her to disappear cuz she'll do that and will be hurt. I don't want to hurt her, but idk I need to be able to solve whatever it is that she is finding unappealing about me in my own time. I can't sit down and say this and this is bothering me and needs to change or be worked on. It's so much more simple than that. But because it is simple it takes time and real thought. I can't devote real thought to much of anything these days. I have other things I need to do. I don't have a mindless job, I actually have to pay attention. I have classes. I have homework. Thinking time is minimal. And right now so many people are happy I don't want to think because that will just make me sad. And if I am sad, then they aren't happy. I can't do that. So I am going to be happy. I am not gonna think. But still I don't want to be alone. And I like her, and want to get to know her. She's pretty cool. So many people are, but still I don't want to be alone. For some reason over the past few days I am really missing the company of last semester. Not as much the person, but just a body. Preferably a body with emotional attachment. And cuz of that I've been doing some weird things and been over the top and I am sorry. God am I sorry. Stupid religion. Sorry for bringing it into this. Idk right now. She's gonna read this and I'm gonna hear from her. And since she is pretty much the only one who reads this regularly, which is a good and a bad thing, it's just gonna create problems. So while I'm ahead I am gonna go and leave this as all she wrote and let what trouble wants to come my way come my way. I'll deal with it. And in the end I will be happy because I won't let myself be any other way. I know it's a facade and it's wrong, but they don't need to see me upset. I'm upset over stupid itty bitty things. So J are ya happy. I put all the emotions of the last week down. They are unorganized. They are random. They are strung together in semi-coherence. How do you like that? Is that what you want? Well I can't do this. It's stupid. It's showing emotion. It is proving that stupid little petty things enter my brain. But you don't and shouldn't need me to say it for you to know it's there. You should trust that I can deal with this shit on my own. Because of that I am a stronger person. I will be there for you, just when you expect me to react in a way that I am not prepared for, makes me want to walk away. You have a sorta clingy attachment that leaves one uncomfortable and wanting to pry you off. Sorry for the cold hard truth, but there it is. You wanted everything and anything. So there it is. And you know in like 20 minutes when I come back to read this I may regret it because it isn't what I really mean, or how I really want to word it. But you want the raw shit. I hate the raw shit. I am a dreamer, a creater, an artist. I mold this raw shit and make it into what I really want to express. But that didn't seem to be good enough for you. And now you are getting burned because of it. I'm sorry, I can be an ass when I need to be. I can be selfish when I want to. It sucks I know. But its good that most can not be mad at me for long. And if you needed to convince yourself that you wanted to be with me, that all those lil distractions were nothing. Then I don't want a relationship. Your lil 'what if' game is a giant load of bull shit that I don't want to tolerate. So I'm saving myself trouble and not tolerating it. If you had other guys who peaked your interest in the slightest, then don't force yourself to ignore them and pin them down as something else. It forces the relationship and it forces you. I'm sorry you can't find anyone to hang out with when you go out, that is rather sad. Maybe if you had gone out a bit more freshman year you would know a bunch more people. Maybe not. Who knows. I don't know the type of people at Caz. All I know are the people here. And all I know are people who will come and force you to leave and not be anti-social, homework or no homework. I need you to understand that I live a different life here. There is a different atmosphere and it is not conducive to anything that needs constant or consistent attention. The butterfly has left the cocoon remember. I am not so much a different person, as much as I am out of my shell. I am free and flying and flapping my wings. You can't pin me down to time or place or anything. Sorry, that's just not how I work at all. If that is what you need, then a distance relationship will not work, as a matter of fact no relationship will work. I told you I realized some mistakes about last semester, like spending a lot of every waking minute with her. It doesn't work that way. I'm never doing it again. A) I missed out on hanging out with a whole bunch of people. B) I missed some awesome events and inside jokes. And C) Now that I know this, I'm not gonna let myself do it, or let anyone get that way about me. I am a free spirit and if you can't deal with being alone for a few days, then coming together in a awesome spurt, then sorry no dice. Even if I got a gf on campus, I would try to be as active as I could outside of hanging with her. I would keep the hanging all over and with each other to a bare minimum. If you can deal with being on the back burner, along with everything else, except whatever I am doing at the current second, then it could work. Relationships are about trust. Right now that is all they are for me. Trust. Yeah it's just like really close friends. But oh well, if that's not good enough for you, then speak up. The difference? It is in what you like so much about hearing my voice. That power I wield so effortlessly. Almost by accident even. Yeah that, that is what makes it different. Yeah you won't hear it all the time. Oh well. Those things don't define a relationship remember. So if they define yours then we are not at the right/ same page to date. Sorry for making you think you need to wait. I'll try to be more clear about some things, but you know I work in vague subtleties. So figure 'em out. Figure me out.

How I Be Feeling...

I be feeling... honestly I have no clue how I be feeling at this moment. I am watching some creepy ass movie that I walked into when it was about half way over. I don't want to go to my room, cuz then I'll fall asleep. I want to read, but I don't too.
So I am sitting here blogging. I really can't put my feelings into words here, mostly because I've told those who need to know. I've talked to you in person, which is better than finding out here. I guess I do have 'bouts where I only share my emotions in person. This is it. I just don't have a lot to talk about. There is no emotional upheavals to talk about. No one is depressed or in pain. This cloud of depression is finally lifting from the campus. At least from most people. Justin is happy. Brianna is ecstatic. Sarah is gleeful. Becca is hopeful. Dustin is equally content. Chris is just living. Shannon... well Shannon is still back and forth, but she is generally in good humor. Me, well I don't know what to feel. I'm happy for other people, but I do not feel much more than contentedness deep down. Well, sort of content. I don't know really, because one second I'm wicked horny and because of that want to go curl up and die of depression, the next second I am stressed out because of school/ work and because of that feel sick to my stomach, and the last second I want romance and because of that I start thinking - which causes my head to explode.
Exploding head syndrome, (EHS) as I have termed it, is this oft occurrence in the head of Emmet. It is where I think too much. I do it too much. I think and think and think and think and think and confuse the shit out of myself. And by confuse the shit out of myself, I mean I question a lot of things. Like what I am doing and what my place in the world is. And most especially what others think about me. Yeah, VDay hit hard this weekend. I didn't realize how utterly alone I was, and how I didn't want to be alone. I didn't realize how much effort I put into putting up a facade. I wonder how well it worked. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed wearing the skirt and make-up, I love playing dress-up. However, I still put up a front to hide my own loneliness, so that others could be happy. And they were happy, I hope. I tried.
I don't know I still think too much. I think about her and her and her and her... all these hers. Too many to name, too confusing to elaborate. Oh well. All that matters is that it is sorta straight in my own head. Or that I try to straighten it out in my own head, and helping that process is talking to you peeps in person, or over the interwebs. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then either I haven't gotten around to it yet, or you haven't asked. And not being able to talk to me cuz of this or that, is not an excuse. There are more ways of communicating and learning and understanding things than just the phone. A voice only does so much, it is not required for anything.

Commitment to the Cause

Oh heck yeah. I be watching Underworld. Oh Kate, what would it cost to have your body, your eyes, your teeth, you for a night. I want to be in you, on you, with you. Oh so much.

Vampire lust. What hott vampire lust. Lust is dangerous, but vampire lust is good. I sorta fear my own strength, but it could be set aside for such experiments.

Oh the coffins and rope and chains. The blood. The sacrifice. The enjoyment. I don't know how turned on I'd be, but I'd enjoy it from the sheer masochistic and sadistic aspect. Mercy me.

So anyway I know I haven't blogged in a while, but it's been kinda hectic of late. Lots of homework to catch up with, lots of classes, lots of work. And of course lots of goofing off and not giving a rats ass.

YAY. Go me. :D

Sorry to those who disagree...

Screw patriotic duty. I will serve when and if a war affects who I am as an individual, not when someone I didn't vote for, or agree with, makes idle theories on weapons of mass destruction. Not when this war engulfs families and communities in bloodshed and argument. Not when this war drags on endlessly causing the government to become petty liars and backstabbers. Not when dying for this country doesn't feel right or worth it.

people change...

... dont they?

no they just evolve. and ive evolved and devolved at the same time.
im stranded in a salve of nothing.
stuck in mediocrity.
trapped.
dying.
its.
a
b
o
u
t
.
t
i
m
e
.

and so it begins

the tug-of-war game with my sanity.

im jealous. i dont know why. i got that onesentence up and it hit even harder.

its not that i want to be with her... well it is... but i dont. i just thought i wouldnt have the attachment. but i do.

and so i must wrestle with my sanity.

i need to change the sheets. that might help.

it still wont save me against randomly smelling her smell, even the new one... so delicately laced in cloves... so nicely wrapped around my nostrils. it brings back moments. good ones. ones that ill never regret. ones that no matter how many times God could offer, i wouldnt change.

and look. tears. how nice.

im so weak. and i did it to my fucking self... again.

and still i cant level entirely with either of them. i cant level entirely with anyone. no one has gotten to that point of trust.

how hard it is for me to trust people and yet i expect everyone to blindly trust me.

such a fucking hypocrite.

and still im filled with doubt. im scared, what can i say. who wouldnt be. idk. something is wrong with me. i just need to sleep for years. five or six ought to do it. i dont want this job anymore. i dont care about money. i almost want to give up on classes for this semester. i feel so behind that it is irreparable. cant i just hibernate through this stage of my life. wake me up when it is over. ive learned enough. i want a break.

she taught me so much. and now it is gone. and ill never have it again.

and in true mentor student fashion she has imparted some of herself into me. cute virgins. they are quite attractive in a sadistic sort of way.

ugggh. im getting those thoughts again. and it scares me more. i shouldnt be thinking them, but i am. le sigh. no one is perfect. but i really do envy data sometimes.

New Days To Face The Old Ways

Blogging blogging blogging...

So I'm extremely tired. I didn't sleep well... this morning actually. I didn't go to bed 'til 2:30. I woke up at 9:30. It's not good. I'm also still catching up on 4 hours of sleep in Saturday and Monday. Not a good week. I haven't done a lick of homework. I failed a quiz yesterday. I probably won't do amazing on my quiz today. However, I felt creative and productive last night in Graphic Design. I'm gonna do a pac man board. W00t.

Ahhhh... I have work tomorrow night. I still have to call my team leader.

I don't want to sleep alone tonight, but at the same time I do.

I think I want to play like 8 gagillion hours of MTG again cuz I got new decks. I want new cards, but got no moneys.

However, my mom is sending me my debit card soon and I have a bunch of money in the bank. So. All is sorta well. I'm just gonna keel over dead. Someone revive me. But wait like 500 years or so... let the world get better first.

Snow Says Rainy Days

I don't think mother nature favours me right now. It was supposed to snow and sleet and ice yesterday, but it didn't. It was supposed to be worse today, but its not. It's supposed to be worse tonight, but I'm losing my faith. A snow day would be really helpful at this point. I'm behind on my reading for two classes (my lit one's) and would really like the opportunity to catch up.

I got a quiz to study for for tonight, and one for tomorrow. Yum.

But I am working on Friday. I have to call my team leader today at some point and see about when else I can work. However, money is money, and it should start flowing here soon.

I also have to call my mom. Ugggh.

So much to do. This is my slightly stressed face, probably as stressed as anyone will ever hear or see me. Bask while ya can, these opportunities don't last for long.

PS I bought Across the Universe last night. It should be arriving by February 11th at the latest. So sometime next weekend when I am not working we should have a party in the TV room in Preston. Hope ya'll there.

PSS The answer is Spring... I remembered the other night.

February Begins

And now it is February. Is it bad that I still count the days, that I still remember the date, still think about it coming up in 11 days?

I've had a lot to think about since Feb 1st. A lot has come to bear. My eyes are opened wider, and now I can't feel anything but guilt.

Again I didn't make my intentions clear. Someone misunderstood me and now they are hurt because of it. I feel that it is my fault. My fault for not specifying that I needed time to move on, and that just because I was saying it doesn't mean it was totally true. My fault for not saying that I am single and will remain so, and that part of the reason I decided not to ask her out through phone was because I wanted to be single. A heart doesn't change over night, she knows that. And I don't mean to make her feel bad and upset, but I just can't be in a relationship right now.

All she needs to know in order to understand why, is "what if?" She understands that. It's easy to move on when you are under the impression the person you are trying to move on from hates you and doesn't want to talk to you. It is completely different when that isn't true. I would rather be her friend, of course, but that makes things more difficult.

All I need is time, and things not to be stupid because mistakes were made and I was unclear.

But I am clear now. I am single. I know where I stand with my emotions. I know where both of them stand with theirs. "What if?" isn't and issue. And at the same time, I need time. I don't want space, I don't mean alone time, I just mean time. I mean I need to be able to be there for her as a friend in whatever capacity that encompasses, I need her to be healthy again and not be depressed and sad. I want to see her smile again. So until then, my heart, body, and soul remains unconditionally with another. He will take good care of it for now.