I sit here in this chair in moderate comfort. Not comfortable to be able to fall asleep in unless I had been awake for 24 hours straight. But alas I might swing it anyway. I know I'm being complainy and whiney and bitchy and I should just fucking eat and sleep already, but I don't feel like it. So honestly I should shut up. You know what. Fuck it. I'm hungry and tired. I have been hungry and tired all my life it seems. I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to close my eyes and sleep, forever.
I don't even know right now. My head is not big enough to hold all the thoughts and problems and worries of the world. I need a hiatus. I don't want to. I like it when I can help people, it makes me feel special. But I think this weekend I am going to stay up really late one night and then sleep until I can sleep no longer. Or something else that will produce a great night's sleep. Ha, now that I think about it that probably won't happen without Shannon right next to me. Oh well. I'll manage. Do as I have always done. Care without caring. Ugggghhhh I hate these things wafting in and out of my head. I can handle my thoughts and the world's thoughts when there are just thoughts, but I have to think about school and work and future. TOO MUCH. Can't I just live one day at a time.
No! Fine. Time to flip the switch. This little lull where I am tending to let depressing thoughts and second guessing myself creep in will last no longer. I'm done. Optimism is my forte and I will not succumb to destruction. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not! No one can hurt me. I will not hurt myself. STOP! Out out you demons of stupidity.
Honestly, mortality sucks some days, but others I wish I'd die already. Then I force myself to be adventuresome, even though it is against my nature, so that there is no mediocrity. Most of the time I'll adventure before something becomes mediocre, but this time I didn't. Because really there is something very important to me that is spectacular and amazing and almost too good to be true. I get this way every single fucking time. I'm tired of it. So it's going to happen no longer. That's a promise. Dead poet's honor. Period.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
The Reason
I hold myself close at night is because I can't seem to fall asleep in an empty bed. The reason I sleep pressed up against the wall is to fool my mind into thinking I'm once again sharing the bed. The reason I toss and turn is because this place doesn't smell right. The reason I wish is so that my dreams don't seem so far fetched.
There are a thousand reasons. There are a million. They grow hourly. It is worse than a viral disease laying waste to my body, because it is not terminal, it has no symptoms, there is no pain. There is only emotion. Emotion's are irrational. They are trickery and mockery at the same time. They land the deafening blow. Knocking back your enemies and allies at the same time.
Be rash, but be right. I am right. So she must be left. And all we are missing is two more rights.
Let's take those together.
There are a thousand reasons. There are a million. They grow hourly. It is worse than a viral disease laying waste to my body, because it is not terminal, it has no symptoms, there is no pain. There is only emotion. Emotion's are irrational. They are trickery and mockery at the same time. They land the deafening blow. Knocking back your enemies and allies at the same time.
Be rash, but be right. I am right. So she must be left. And all we are missing is two more rights.
Let's take those together.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yes and No
"I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in the bad parts in..." - Degausser, Brand New
I know not everyone hides themselves. But most people hide some parts of themselves. It is a natural thing, for the same reason you are still hiding parts of yourself from me. No I do not hide myself from you. I do not hide anything about myself from the people I care about, but nor do I make it obvious who I am. You have a deeper understanding than most because you know me sexually as well. You have seen how I can be and we have talked about my violent side. I think that is my most misunderstood aspect. But I won't correct people when they say things about me. They can think what they want. I will disagree when someone calls me smart, or a writer, but that is because I don't think I am either of those, yet.
I don't want to protect anyone from the truth. I want to save everyone.
I don't mind that you hide things, or that others hide things. I won't pry into things. I will let the answers and the facts present themselves. Another one of the things that I am quite cocky about is my perceptiveness. I know it is not 100 percent, but I do try. I will pick up on small details, behavioral things, and many of the things a person does and doesn't like. I pick it up in passing, in an overheard conversation, through other people doing the asking for me, through other people making the mistakes so I don't have to. I hate making mistakes when it comes to women (that's why any woman could ask me to do something and I will do it). But I do know how to learn from my mistakes when I do make them, because no one is perfect, least of all me.
I'm sorry you got me on a rant. :]
I know not everyone hides themselves. But most people hide some parts of themselves. It is a natural thing, for the same reason you are still hiding parts of yourself from me. No I do not hide myself from you. I do not hide anything about myself from the people I care about, but nor do I make it obvious who I am. You have a deeper understanding than most because you know me sexually as well. You have seen how I can be and we have talked about my violent side. I think that is my most misunderstood aspect. But I won't correct people when they say things about me. They can think what they want. I will disagree when someone calls me smart, or a writer, but that is because I don't think I am either of those, yet.
I don't want to protect anyone from the truth. I want to save everyone.
I don't mind that you hide things, or that others hide things. I won't pry into things. I will let the answers and the facts present themselves. Another one of the things that I am quite cocky about is my perceptiveness. I know it is not 100 percent, but I do try. I will pick up on small details, behavioral things, and many of the things a person does and doesn't like. I pick it up in passing, in an overheard conversation, through other people doing the asking for me, through other people making the mistakes so I don't have to. I hate making mistakes when it comes to women (that's why any woman could ask me to do something and I will do it). But I do know how to learn from my mistakes when I do make them, because no one is perfect, least of all me.
I'm sorry you got me on a rant. :]
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Mr. Moon
"Well well well what do we have here?" he said with a gleaming twinkle in his eye.
"N-nothing," a soft squeak replied.
Innocence dies. Le sigh. How unfortunate. Oh well. What are you going to do? You can't help that there is an innately dark quality to all of mankind. Everyone is like the moon. We each have a side that we don't see in the light. It is constantly shrouded in darkness. Varying sides of our personality are only and always being seen in the light. The light slights the perceptions, changes the truth to fallacy. The only truth is what is hidden in the dark.
They say in those epic stories that everyone adores or hates, nothing in between, that in darkness the smallest light shines bright. Well screw the little light. Let me have darkness, because in darkness you start out with the truth, are forced to find the truth.
So please, ignore what you see by light and come find me, on the dark side of the moon.
(PS the dark side always has cookies... FREE cookies... :D)
"N-nothing," a soft squeak replied.
Innocence dies. Le sigh. How unfortunate. Oh well. What are you going to do? You can't help that there is an innately dark quality to all of mankind. Everyone is like the moon. We each have a side that we don't see in the light. It is constantly shrouded in darkness. Varying sides of our personality are only and always being seen in the light. The light slights the perceptions, changes the truth to fallacy. The only truth is what is hidden in the dark.
They say in those epic stories that everyone adores or hates, nothing in between, that in darkness the smallest light shines bright. Well screw the little light. Let me have darkness, because in darkness you start out with the truth, are forced to find the truth.
So please, ignore what you see by light and come find me, on the dark side of the moon.
(PS the dark side always has cookies... FREE cookies... :D)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
So...
I don't know how many of you will notice the time, but this is being posted at 5 AM on Sunday November 11th. I am venturing to stay up and see the sunrise. I have insomnia. I can't sleep. I'm over it. This has still been a productive night. Homework has been done, writing has been achieved, movies have been watched, songs have been rated. The darkness is such a good time to get things done.
About that writing. I started the end of yet another piece. Just like the last one, this is going to be weird. It will work in the end though. However, this one will take quite some time to write, for it requires an abundance of studying and research on my end. Le sigh. I am prepared. I am ready.
This will be so cool. I have this wacky attraction to writing a prose poem, that has no beginning, then beginning it with a poem, to create a short story. Well this will be another one of those. But this one is going to be bigger than the last.
About that writing. I started the end of yet another piece. Just like the last one, this is going to be weird. It will work in the end though. However, this one will take quite some time to write, for it requires an abundance of studying and research on my end. Le sigh. I am prepared. I am ready.
This will be so cool. I have this wacky attraction to writing a prose poem, that has no beginning, then beginning it with a poem, to create a short story. Well this will be another one of those. But this one is going to be bigger than the last.
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