Taking a leaf from S' book

"I'm not sure of anyone, anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking for everything but sure I could use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone and I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my cue and I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from the corner of my eye
Never really mastered disinterest

I can't see how
The way that you leave me alone makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things that seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here when I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk but we're not fighting
You hold on to your secrets
And I'm not privy to what is on your mind
But I can't help but feel tired
So tired, so tired, so tired

So tired"

I love my iTunes. It is built off the playlists of other people. 90% of the music I got from friends or family, it is referred music that I either like or I don't like. I mean this is how most people get their music sure, but for me it is fun because I'll forget a song is in my favorites playlist, and then it will come up and it will capture the exact mood I am in. For example, the one quoted above. Thank you Shannon for introducing me to this amazing band.

The Sound of Silence

Minutes later and I still can't say much.
You yell at me when I close off and don't open up.
But when I do I get myself into trouble.
I am a nuclear bomb.
I tell you to stay behind the lead shielding.
You don't listen.
Nothing happens at first, so I let it slide.
But prolonged exposure is deadly.
No side effects until its too late.
No one believes me.
No one understands until I blow up.
By then it's too late.
I recompress.
Wounds heal.
Anger subsides.
Pain vanishes.
The death toll continues to rise.
And still they think that I deserve saving.
And still they think I can be helped.
There is only one way to deal with nuclear energy.
Stay back and await its eventual decay.
I am too unstable and no one understands.

For S

There used to be a time when I could sleep on my own. Just me and my pillow. But that began to become painful and I would wake up sore. So I got that lil gray bean pillow. That used to suffice. And then I started sharing a bed with someone, with you. And now the lil gray pillow doesn't work anymore. I had to upgrade to something bigger. I wonder if it will continue like this. I just find it funny. And I thought I'd let you know.

Dear J

You listen to The Fray much? I'm sure you do, it is right up your ally. So I got a task for you: look up the lyrics to 'How to Save a Life.' You may find much there. In a Emmet, read between the lines but not too much, sort of way. It's there. All of it. You, me, your insecurities, and your ability to grasp the situation. So I'm gonna enlighten you. You say that all of this makes you doubt that I care anymore. I don't know how many times I've heard that escape your lips, too many to count to be sure, but has it ever been true? So why lose faith now? Oh because I'm doing something different. I'm saving your life again (metaphorically speaking of course), and you can't realize it 'til after the fact. You are trying to save my life, trying to pin down what you know, but it's not working. I don't need saving. And it's not because I'm safe, or anything, it is because I don't want to be saved and I don't deserve to be saved. And if you even say one word against why I do or don't deserve, I'll slap you (that goes for all of you). I deserve to be saved for all the same reasons as each other human being, however, I don't deserve to be saved because I don't want to be saved, because my own guilt says I don't deserve to be saved. And no one knows me well enough to say anything against that. You may have some idea, you may have the rough facts, you may know this and that, but truth is, you don't live my life, you don't know what goes on in my head, you don't know what I lived for and through. So spare me your saving grace. Save it for someone who deserves it.
So meanwhile you are destroying our friendship. Of course I am letting you. But that is because I am yet again giving you another lesson about life, I am yet again trying to instill in you something that I thought I already got across to you. Ha, don't think I'm gonna spill the beans on what it is, you're not that lucky.
You assume way too much, you take things way too seriously, and yet again I am gonna say this, but you take offense to way too much. Life sucks, life is gonna hurt, get over it. Honestly it is the ones you are close to who hurt you the most because a) you don't expect it and b) because they are the closest and know the most and can most easily do it. So when this or that doesn't turn out like you thought and it ruins all your plans, get over it and move on because that is what living for the moment is all about. Take it in stride, and dare I say grow a fucking set.
Case one: Yes I broke up with S. Yes I did the whole Dune thing with you. Yes I said there could be an us. But I never said when. You assumed right away. You made an ass out of yourself and me. You took offense when I told you it wasn't now. Hey that's what you get for assuming. You are the fucking queen of being unsure about this person and that person and needing space and time to move on and all those freaking 'what-ifs' where you had to break up with one boyfriend to explore possibilities with another dude. Gawd you're worse than a freaking guy. So when I turn around and need time you throw a fit and get all upset. Great, thanks. I may hold myself above everyone else and say I am a god (but that is because I think everyone is a god), but I still have 'human' needs and desires and motives and passions and mistakes. Okay thanks for the credit on being Mr. Perfect, Mr. Always Right, but uhhhhh face reality, please. I thought I was the one who needs to be in a mental institution for living too much in a fantasy world.
Case two: I tell you like it is. I start being brutally honest because the world is brutally honest. I tell you that you're not gonna be able to talk to me every night. You throw a hissy fit. Well golly gosh darn. I'm sorry but the world doesn't stop turning for you. Yes I would drop anything and everything for anyone, but not when all it is is to talk about our days. The 'Hey how was your day?' "Fine. How was yours?" routine annoys the hell out of me. I don't care how important it is to talk in a long distance relationship, get over it. It's not like I was trying to avoid you. But oh wait, that is what you thought I was doing.
Case three: Every single time that I don't return a call or answer, I am ignoring you. I am sorry I have an outside life and may be busy. I am sorry that I don't always have my phone on my or on or my ringer on. I'm sorry I don't check every five seconds to see if Jessica Johansen has called me.
Case four (the most recent to be sure): I am told that I was supposed to have done something that I never said I would do. And that is where I was blamed for not caring.
The problem is that I do care. The problem is that you don't trust me, this proves it. The problem is that you assume too much. The problem is that you are too set in your ways to see things differently. The problem is that you take me for granted. That is why I locked you down. That is why I have 'changed.' That is why I have disproved every notion of myself that you believe in. You believe in it too strongly. Learn to expect and accept change. Learn to expect and accept the ways of the world. Learn to expect and accpet things to not be at all how you want them to be. Then, and only then, will you be able to start learning who I am once again.


For the rest of you, I'm sorry I had to do another long one that doesn't involve you. I just take it personally when someone accuses me of not caring. I take it personally that they have the balls to say that after so many years of friendship and giving everything and taking nothing. She'll say she didn't really believe it, but that she didn't understand. Well maybe she'll learn not to assume when she doesn't understand, maybe she'll learn to train her mind to ignore what it thinks up in the petty blindness of the light. I may make a shadow walker out of her yet.
But it's the weekend. So I'm gonna enjoy the time off from work. I'm gonna sleep well and I'm gonna stay up late and all that jazz. :-D <---- That's my I'm pumped face.

Mrs. Timid-Pants

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That is right. That is how peeved I am. That is how annoyed I am. So much that words escape me at the moment. I mean that isn't a rare thing, but it seldom happens and is often far apart.
I mean COME ON! Seriously. The only way you know how to communicate with me is through facebook? Oh wait that's right, you don't think I'd answer you if you IMed me. You don't know if I will get a message you leave me there. You'd rather be ignored on facebook than on aim because you know at least on facebook I'm bound to at least read it.
You were the one afraid of our friendship changing. Guess what, it has. And wait, it's your fault too. Wow, imagine that. Okay, yes I closed up. Yes I don't always want to talk. People still seem to get around that, but not you. You take personal offense. That gets me peeved, and you all in a huff. It doesn't end well. Simple solution? Stop. If you say hi, and I don't seem very open to a deep and thorough chat, well leave it at that and try another day. How hard is that?
Welcome to living with me. Welcome to who I am. Welcome to the moth. You always knew I'd grow up. You just didn't suspect how. I told you. I told you it would be big. You just took that to mean even more amazing. Sorry, no such luck. How about less amazing? I am a grouchy, annoying, jackass of a prick. Get used to it. See why I saved you the pain and anguish of dating me? If you couldn't get over not talking every night, well that was light stuff compared to how I really am. In person I may sound inviting and caring, but that is just my voice. How else do you think I engender trust so well, my drop dead gorgeous looks? My voice and tone is naturally inviting and comforting. Sorry I didn't see you. I was tired. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I missed everyone from Chester. I missed the freedom. I missed the activities. I missed the fun. More fun than I've ever experienced in my life. But it was all gone. I dreaded this house, because I remembered the first 19 years of my life, I remembered Xmas break. Things were supposed to change, I was supposed to get all this freedom and new rules, and it didn't happen. So even when my mom promises to let me visit people on the weekends this summer, I'm not holding my breath. She'll probably tell me to talk to my dad because of mileage and wear and tear on the car and he'll say no because he doesn't want me to go, and because of mileage and wear and tear on the car. Or my mom will say the weather is supposed to be bad, or that the car can't take the trip. I've heard all these excuses before. I'm starting to refuse to hope or dream while in this house because the only thing that happens is I get crushed. My hopes and dreams get dashed on the jagged rocks at the bottom of a large waterfall. My dad still doesn't approve of my college choice. My mom tries to be supportive but has to remain in the strict confines of my father and the cautious life she chooses to lead.
Okay so no I didn't see you. No I didn't feel like leaving the house. Even though I hate being inside it. I was depressed and not in the mood to be 'cheered' up. It wouldn't have worked. It may have looked like it, because I am good at faking it, good at putting on a smile even when I'm not really happy, but I really wouldn't have enjoyed myself. I was too far gone. I am too far gone.
I couldn't even bring myself to pack in a 'normal' fashion. Wanna know how I packed? I had 4 hours before I had to be out of my dorm room. I had yet to touch a single thing. I spent 2 and a half hours frantically trying to figure things out. I jammed things here or there without thinking. I haphazardly threw things in boxes and by the end there was hardly empty space on my floor because everything was so spread out. Chris was confined to his bed, where he sat and laughed at my stressed out pacing.
So when I got everything packed in the room, I breathed. But only once. Once in, once out. I wasn't done yet. I had to somehow get all this into my car. It seemed so much smaller when it was all in its neat little home in the room. Maybe if I had packed better, smarter it would have fit better. Hell if I had packed it into my car a bit less spastically maybe it would have been better. But I did not. I grabbed a yellow bin, loaded it up with whatever, and put it in the car. I knew where the fridge was gonna go, and where the boxes were gonna go, and the giant hamper I refused to pack up. But I forgot about the guitar, and the huge white box. I don't even know how I got the white box to school in the first place. How did I manage to move into college with all my belongs, everything I thought I needed in the trunk of my mom's car, which is smaller than mine by the way. I mean jeeze.
Okay that was a long digression. I had all that. 3 hours of packing. 30 minutes trying to find and RA, who were supposed to be around and available, to check me out. If I didn't leave soon I was gonna hit traffic in Worcester. As it were I didn't say goodbye to Shannon. Now what is worse, not saying goodbye to a friend you won't see 'til later this summer (if you can ply permission out of your parents because you know it is like pulling teeth for anyone other than you because only you live 5 minutes down the road, oh and you don't smoke, or drink, oh and you didn't take their son's virginity), or not stopping by and saying hi to someone you haven't seen in months. I think Shannon wins. It is more likely I will see you later this summer than her. A) You won't disappear and you will keep trying. B) You can swing by my house just as easily as I can swing by yours. C) You live five minutes down the road (have I mentioned that enough times yet?).
Now let's see. 2 hour drive. Oh right, you drive 5 hours, sorry. But wait, how many of your hours is bumper to bumper traffic? Last I checked you don't go through Worcester. Yes I said I tried to leave early enough to miss it, and in truth I did arrive just shy of the worst of it. However, I did lose 20-30 minutes in Worcester. Yet, this does not bring me to the biggest reason why I didn't want to leave home and see anyone, or do anything.
So before I left for college there was an invisible cage, and I was but a small weakling inside it. There were boundaries and I knew where they were. I would often move about inside this cage and yearn to be on the outside. Then I went to college. You used the metaphor of a caterpillar in a cocoon. Sure. I hatched. I became a different person, a person more true to my inner nature. I became who I was meant to be.
Now I am back home. The cage was extended a bit at the end of last summer. You remember that. However, now the boundaries are the same as then, but I am bigger. I am too big for the cage. It confines me but I have grown too big that it is stifling. I knew it was coming, so I was depressed. I wanted to leave even less. It's like leaving a family and knowing deep down that you won't see some of them again. Not everyone is returning. Things aren't going to be exactly the same. Times were so great that I want them to be that way forever. It was the perfect escape from reality, while at the same time being part of it. I loved it. I want it back. But no, the semester is over. I can't have it back. It is slowly becoming less and less tangible as it pervades my memories and seeps into oblivion. Soon all that will be left are vague images attached to random feelings. That is depressing enough. I mean come on.
So I had 5 days to relax, to settle in, to try and get used to a new bed in an old room. It's not my room, it's not my bed. I've had trouble sleeping. I've had trouble getting used to the household. I've had trouble not being able to walk down a hall and find someone to hang out with. There are crap for videogames, crap for entertainment, crap for people to hang out with. Don't get me started on that stupid 'non-existent, eh?' crap. You kidding me? Where are you? Thank you. Not five minutes down the road. Okay, so non-existent was a good word for it then? Yes it was. Thank you. Remember that part about taking personal offense for everything? Don't. The things I do aren't personal. For every inch of selflessness that I play up, I am ten times more selfish. Why do you think I push so hard? For every time I try not to hurt someone, someone gets hurt worse. That's how the world is. Happiness is a goblet that is being passed around, when someone is happy, someone else isn't. While trying to save someone, someone else gets hurt. It's how it works. I want to save everyone, but I can't do it all at once, that is impossible.
While saving you, I got hurt. While saving me, you got hurt. We're even. I have changed none. I grew up yes, I realized deeper parts of me yes, that alters what you know about me yes, but you are the one jeopardizing your own relationship with me.
Whatever. Honestly this up and down crap is starting to tire me out. It's beyond a headache every now and then when you whine and complain about hurting yourself and blaming it on me. Now it's tiring and draining. I waste more effort ranting about how pissed off all this makes me feel, than I put into anything else on here anymore. That is sad. I could have been doing something semi-productive.
Don't worry not your fault. You can't help but be concerned, I get it. But it seems that you are always doing it 'wrong.' I'm sure that is frustrating. But be consistent, be logical, and above all else don't take things personally, especially when they are going to get you more frustrated or upset because it is not worth it and it definitely wasn't meant as you took it. It produces you being timid for a few days, then timidly approaching me in your 'I swear I'm innocent and hurt,' way (which isn't always true by the way), and then in the end I rant on and on and on and on and on and on.


God I must sound like a broken record to the rest of you. Sorry. Although there are some other tidbits in there for you guys to savor on. And this wasn't a complete waste, because she'll be upset because I ranted here and not in a return facebook message. She hates it when I put private things on public display. Hahaha. Oh well. Just proves I am conscious of every action I take, even my negative ones. Woops, did I say that I make negative impacts on people's lives? Yes I did, because it has been known to happen. Only Maryann is perfect... ;-)

Stupid Me

So... ummmmmm... I guess I'm a little psychotic.
This is the line up:

Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (192 pgs)
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass - Lewis Carroll (239 pgs)
The Canterbury Tales (A Selection) - Geoffrey Chaucer (395 pgs)
The Last of the Mohicans - James Feniore Cooper (415 pgs)
The Black Rose - Thomas B. Costain (403 pgs)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey (340 pgs)
A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (352 pgs)
The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (1462 pgs)
The Power of Intention - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (256 pgs)
Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison (568 pgs)
The Neverending Story - Michael Ende (396 pgs)
Mythology - Edith Hamilton (315 pgs)
The Art of War - Niccoló Machiavelli (212 pgs)
The Prince - Niccoló Machiavelli (72 pgs)
Moby-Dick, or the Whale - Herman Melville (604 pgs)
Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (309 pgs)
The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien (246 pgs)
Animal Farm - George Orwell (139 pgs)
The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck M.D. (311 pgs)
The Jungle - Upton Sinclair (422 pgs)
The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (501 pgs)
Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe (548 pgs)
Walden - Henry David Thoreau (265 pgs)
The Mysterious Stranger and Other Stories - Mark Twain (121 pgs)
The Color Purple - Alice Walker (251 pgs)
Treasury of Aesop's Fables (138 pgs)
The Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri (552 pgs)
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin (367 pgs)
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë (523 pgs)
Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë (401 pgs)
Plays of Anton Chekhov (274 pgs)
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe (355 pgs)
David Copperfield - Charles Dickens (803 pgs)
The Sound and the Fury - William Faulkner (339 pgs)
The Return of the Native - Thomas Hardy (418 pgs)
The Odyssey - Homer (502 pgs)
The Works of Victor Hugo (Les Miserables - 502 pgs & The Hunchback of Notre Dame - 424 pgs)
The Plays of Henrik Ibsen (403 pgs)
The Portrait of a Lady - Henry James (566 pgs)
Ulysses - James Joyce (750 pgs)
The Magic Mountain - Thomas Mann (712 pgs)
Selected Stories by Guy De Maupassant (364 pgs)
Paradise Lost - John Milton (338 pgs)
The Red and The Black - Stendhal (496 pgs)
Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift (337 pgs)
Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (678 pgs)
Fathers and Sons - Ivan Turgenev (247 pgs)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (410 pgs)
Candide - Voltaire (154 pgs)
Faust - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (415 pgs)
Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman (536 pgs)

That is my summer reading list. 50 books I want to read. 21338 pages total.
In other news I start work on Monday. 7 AM, bright and early. I work 'til 3:30 PM. Then I go for a run. Then I cook dinner. Then I relax and read. Then I go to bed. Then I do it again. The weekends will be relaxing and running and reading and visiting and buying. :sigh: I have a calendar and I am x-ing off the days. 13 weeks. 13 weeks and then I am free. 13 weeks and then I am back home. 13 weeks and then we start the school stuff all over again. I'm already giddy with glee. I'm already sweating with nerves. I can't wait.

Trapped

You know those stereotypical shots of mimes trying to escape from an invisible box. Yeah that is me. This place is a cage, it is a box, it is a trap. I used to feel comfortable here. I didn't care that I fell out of touch with people, I barely had friends as it was, I was used to occupying myself with the TV and movies and in some cases the Internet - but I don't really find the Internet very entertaining. So I'm back here. Back the same ol' same ol'. But I don't want to lose touch. I'm too big for this cage. It used to be that I knew where the boundaries were and there was enough room for me to get around and manage myself. However, now I am too big for the cage. The boundaries have grown yes, but they are still much too small for the individual I have grown into. The forms of entertainment this place offers is minimal. The people close by that I can see are non-existant. I am gonna travel a lot this summer, I promise to visit all you guys. Shannon, Bri, Jen, relatives. All of you. But still I am here and it is hell. I unpack and I get depressed. I try to organize but I get disheartened. I mean it's lovely to see my mom and brother and I guess my dad - as long as he is civil. I guess I just need to transition. I need to get back into the rhythm of this house. Maybe I'll get over the fact that I just don't want to be here... at all.

Looking forward...

I have a job.
The car is working.
I'll be making some good money.
I will be able to save the vast majority of it.
I will be able to get a new phone. *crosses fingers* With unlimited texting. *crosses fingers*
I can buy books and movies and cds and star trek. *cheers*
I can buy those cool rings I want.
I can get my Irish flag and more posters.
I can get curtains so Chris and I have some privacy.
I can look into a TV and DVD/VHS player. *looks dreamily*
I can look into a Wii. *drools*
Well whatever happens I will have money. Money is always good. I may be just talking up the big talk, but either way things look great.

What now!!!!!!!?!?????????

Is there anything else that could possibly make me feel worse about my life? No this isn't bad. No there is not need to worry. Yes I am stressed, just like everyone else. Yay proof that I am human. What a relief, no? I am fine. Yet, at the same time this time of year does wonders on my spirit and soul. And by wonders I mean destroys. And by destroys I mean obliterates. It only gets me down for a little while. So don't worry, I mean it. I'll be my chipper old self in lets say a week or two.

Dream

Again I had a strange dream. This one I have mixed feelings about. I have mixed feelings because it was a good strange, but also a bad strange, and also a creepy weird strange.

Heroes

masquerading as demons of night and day. Rising up within under veil of truce, white flag fluttering to the sounds of the dusk. Burning brightly into the silence of full darkness. A piercing noise floods the air, wailing at the highest pitch. A deep bass, the reason, the constant, the steady beat of the heart. Off set with the crying soprano of a fragile voice. That voice speaks in tongues, casting its spell. The speaker weaves the words, the sounds, into a powerful dance. Entranced under the pale blue light of a full moon snaking its light through the hazy canopy.

Isn't life abstract? Isn't it so complicated and full of suffocating words that you can't comprehend it all? I am drowned.