Each of you get a sentence... S, J, B, M... in that order...

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

I must say, this another song that came up that explains a lot of my emotions right now.
The goal of anyone who calls me friend should be to know/figure out what my pride is, what my promise is, what my lies are, and what truths are so difficult that they get in the way. If you can name all of those correctly, then you can say you know me. I only know of one person who can do this. And the only reason they can, is... well that is my secret, and hers. The rest of you can keep plugging away at my walls, but for every inch you think you gain, I add ten, for every seemingly correct turn in the labyrinth, I reset the playing field. There are no advantages, there are no favorites, just those who know how to succeed. Getting jealous over the way I talk, the way I live, the way I am, isn't going to help. Contorting what I say to fit your personality, will only get you pushed away. Embracing who you are, will get you my love. Trying to become a better person through trial and error will get you my respect.

Lots and lots of think...

Yes think. There has been but one thought occupying my mind these last 24-48 hours. No you don't get to know what it is. I had a long, beautiful, weight lifting conversation with my old friend last night. :sigh: It felt so good to talk to her. I remembered why I talk to her, why I consider her above all else my closest friend, because she is. I tell her everything, without hesitation, right down to the maybe not so good things I almost did this past weekend. I just blurt it all out and say my piece. And she listens, and then I do the same for her. And she knows me and I know her. She helps me and I help her. She keeps me on the straight and narrow, and I try to be a shoulder for her. And I think the reason we are so close is because we are so independent, normally we don't open up much to people, we rely on ourselves and we pride ourselves on being there for our friends, but to each other we are like peas in a pod. It is so great. I talked to her 'til I was parched in the mouth and I had worn down the rug another millimeter from all my pacing. (Yes I always pace when I am on the phone, I can't help it.)
Now tonight we're gonna hang out 'til whenever I feel like leaving, and catch up and chillax and all that. It's so great. I think I need to stop saying that sentence, it's getting redundant.
But in other news. I have a couple songs I want to refer to. I think it would be a waste of time and space if I put the lyrics up, so I'll name the songs and if you feel like looking up the lyrics (although I am sure all of you will know the songs) you can. "Every Breath You Take" by The Police and "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick.
I refer to those songs because in the last 24-48 hours I have realized something. In talking with my old friend, in talking to myself (boy I haven't done that in a long time) I think I have come to the conclusion that I love you. It hits me every time we talk, my heart sinks and rises like the tide because I love you. But it is okay, because the best love in the world is the forbidden ones, just like this. And truth be told I think you know it, but you just don't realize exactly how much...

101

Wow, I just realized how lame that 100th post was.
I guess I was distracted or something. Well I am lame so...

But here is the real deal.

So yes, I did talk with an old friend. We're gonna hook up at some point so we can catch up on things, and then we'll hang out periodically during the summer. It will be great.
And the reason why is that of all the people from HS, she is the one I'd hate to lose touch with. She can't really be called my best friend because we frequently fall out of touch for brief periods of time, but we are really close. If she weren't gay I swear we'd prolly marry each other. We know each other well and we are very similar on pretty much ever level. Its great. It will be great to hang out with her and talk with her. Whenever I am down she brings me up. For some reason when she enters my life anew it is always towards the end of a long period of strife and depression, but things only look up afterwards. And this time is no different. Today was even a good day at work. My boss bought everyone lunch because she challenged us we went beyond the challenge. That's what she gets for telling us we're slow and weak. And the container was pretty neat and orderly and there were no messes and there was no aggravation and stress. Today was amazing for a Monday. Hopefully this bodes well for the week. For the rest of the summer, if I may be so bold to say. haha.

100th post

And boy do I have news for you...

Last night was a bad night. I was depressed. I'll admit it.
But today was a good day.
I watched anime, I feel better. It's good.
And I talked to Chels. We have a lot of catching up to do, but it will be great. I'm glad that we're gonna start talking again, and this time I won't stop talking to her.