Monday, April 28, 2008
I have a dream
Well actually I had a dream. So to top off that *points downward* I went to bed sorta early cuz I was tired. Well let me tell you, that was probably the best decision of my life. haha. I slept swimmingly. Literally. lol. My dream was fabulous, I am awake and I want nothing more than to go back to it. But I am so well rested that I don't think I could go back to sleep. Ahhhhhh. Oh what a dream, Oh what a night. I think it is still too fresh, too perfect, too palpable to share the details on here. But let's just say it was the perfect ending to a busy, but refreshing, weekend.
For Shannon
Yesterday was the recognition dinner. I felt unworthy of being there. I don't do anything special, as seen by my short list of accomplishments towards the community. Rec games. That's it. But others do SGA and Circle K and all this other stuff, vastly earning their reputation and college education. They deserve their loans and scholarships. Me, I'm lazy and undisciplined. I don't deserve jack diddly. Maybe next semester I'll smarten up.
I played a lot of magic and got to chill with Ryan. Twas cool. I haven't done it in a while and we agreed and got along well. He won the beta fish from the dinner and promptly gave it to me. I named it Sammy. I don't know the gender so I picked an ambiguous name. Sammy will live a long time I hope. I've never owned a fish, but I've done some research and I think I have the basics down.
Ry and I also played some soccer at midnight last night. Yeah, I don't recommend it. Eye to foot coordination is necessary to play the game. He did well, but I think that was because the light was behind him. We also watched Sunshine. Interesting movie. Too complicated for me to get in one sitting, I'll have to watch it again at some point.
My mom wasn't that much of a nuisance. She went to bed before Ry and I went to play soccer. We came back and I told him he should get some rest, he didn't argue. And I went and watched some TV and played on my computer. When I came back I went to bed. My mom on my bed, my brother all comfy on the air mattress and sleeping bag. So what did I get? A sleeping bag and the floor. I didn't want to wake either of them, although I probably did anyway.
Oh well, they let me sleep in. Choosing to quietly read and play video games until I decided to wake up at 10:30. It seemed just like the beach house in July. Although less spacious, missing my father, no summer smells, and not as warm. I think I may skip that trip again this year. The beach really isn't my place, and especially not with my parents. I think I'm getting too old for it, lol. Wow. That is a horrible thing to say.
Lets see. Then we went to breakfast. Then they left. Then I played WoW. Then I got a phone call. Then I got off WoW. Then I fell asleep. Then I got off the phone. Then I couldn't sleep anymore (I was quite upset about that too). Then I got a visitor and showed off Sammy. And then the rest of the night was pretty much spent in the TV room. I watched some TV, played some flash games, talked to some people, played some trivia, watched some 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?'
And it is not enough. Not good enough. Emotionless. Powerless. Non-competent being. That is what I am. There was nothing. Has been nothing for a long time. Well... until she passed me in the hall. Said a few words, used 'captain, oh my captain.' Never have those words hit me so hard. I am finally an 'athlete.' I am a leader. I am a coaching leader. Bad... no good... no bad... neither... shades of grey... shades of grey... shades of grey... 250... maybe 215... nah i think its closer to 203... yeah thats it... 203... 203... 203... but not the way the words make me feel... that is definitely 0 or 1 or maybe even 2... but I'm positive it is 0. So beautiful. So precious. And yet the same old same old. I'm going to get myself hurt. Again. I'm gonna hurt others again. Why the fcuk can I not cntrool msylef? Am I dsteenid to esixt tihs way frevoer? I tinhk so. Aawyls flialng for the pretty ones. Haha... pretty is a beautiful word for it. An accurate word to me. But baffling to you, my reader.
Well be happy you got this much. Shannon's request opened up more than I would normally have shared. And maybe through this you'll understand. Just maybe. Maybe you guys will no longer be deer in headlights. Maybe I will no longer be numb... nah that won't ever happen...
I played a lot of magic and got to chill with Ryan. Twas cool. I haven't done it in a while and we agreed and got along well. He won the beta fish from the dinner and promptly gave it to me. I named it Sammy. I don't know the gender so I picked an ambiguous name. Sammy will live a long time I hope. I've never owned a fish, but I've done some research and I think I have the basics down.
Ry and I also played some soccer at midnight last night. Yeah, I don't recommend it. Eye to foot coordination is necessary to play the game. He did well, but I think that was because the light was behind him. We also watched Sunshine. Interesting movie. Too complicated for me to get in one sitting, I'll have to watch it again at some point.
My mom wasn't that much of a nuisance. She went to bed before Ry and I went to play soccer. We came back and I told him he should get some rest, he didn't argue. And I went and watched some TV and played on my computer. When I came back I went to bed. My mom on my bed, my brother all comfy on the air mattress and sleeping bag. So what did I get? A sleeping bag and the floor. I didn't want to wake either of them, although I probably did anyway.
Oh well, they let me sleep in. Choosing to quietly read and play video games until I decided to wake up at 10:30. It seemed just like the beach house in July. Although less spacious, missing my father, no summer smells, and not as warm. I think I may skip that trip again this year. The beach really isn't my place, and especially not with my parents. I think I'm getting too old for it, lol. Wow. That is a horrible thing to say.
Lets see. Then we went to breakfast. Then they left. Then I played WoW. Then I got a phone call. Then I got off WoW. Then I fell asleep. Then I got off the phone. Then I couldn't sleep anymore (I was quite upset about that too). Then I got a visitor and showed off Sammy. And then the rest of the night was pretty much spent in the TV room. I watched some TV, played some flash games, talked to some people, played some trivia, watched some 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?'
And it is not enough. Not good enough. Emotionless. Powerless. Non-competent being. That is what I am. There was nothing. Has been nothing for a long time. Well... until she passed me in the hall. Said a few words, used 'captain, oh my captain.' Never have those words hit me so hard. I am finally an 'athlete.' I am a leader. I am a coaching leader. Bad... no good... no bad... neither... shades of grey... shades of grey... shades of grey... 250... maybe 215... nah i think its closer to 203... yeah thats it... 203... 203... 203... but not the way the words make me feel... that is definitely 0 or 1 or maybe even 2... but I'm positive it is 0. So beautiful. So precious. And yet the same old same old. I'm going to get myself hurt. Again. I'm gonna hurt others again. Why the fcuk can I not cntrool msylef? Am I dsteenid to esixt tihs way frevoer? I tinhk so. Aawyls flialng for the pretty ones. Haha... pretty is a beautiful word for it. An accurate word to me. But baffling to you, my reader.
Well be happy you got this much. Shannon's request opened up more than I would normally have shared. And maybe through this you'll understand. Just maybe. Maybe you guys will no longer be deer in headlights. Maybe I will no longer be numb... nah that won't ever happen...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
le sigh
tonight was a good night... today a good day... but will i think so in the morning when i arise from a fitful sleep? will i think so upon reflection and hindsight and thought and cares? will it matter? does it matter?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
would ya look at that
that's pretty good... when and where and why did i write it lol... i can't even remember the emotions i was feeling... all i see are the words and what they mean in the clever order i have put them in... could this be how you guys on the outside feel?... nah... that is much much worse... haha
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Tuesday, April 22, 2008
hmmmm...
it seems you have me at a disadvantage...
it seems you have caught me unawares...
it seems you have not been honest...
it seems you have gotten the best of me... yet again...
and on the 7th day God was tired so he took the day and rested his weariness away. and on the 8th day God realized that mankind, above all other animals, would exhibit free will and emotion beyond the primal instincts set down in their basic genetic code. and so with this God tortured his little guinea pigs with the constant battles they set for themselves.
to be, or not to be, let's just wipe it all away and start fresh. let it be here and now that we leave this world behind and finally become what God destined us to be. instead of pessimism or optimism or any -ism, let us strive for being. forsake every strand of society to rebuild from the ground up.
it seems you have caught me unawares...
it seems you have not been honest...
it seems you have gotten the best of me... yet again...
and on the 7th day God was tired so he took the day and rested his weariness away. and on the 8th day God realized that mankind, above all other animals, would exhibit free will and emotion beyond the primal instincts set down in their basic genetic code. and so with this God tortured his little guinea pigs with the constant battles they set for themselves.
to be, or not to be, let's just wipe it all away and start fresh. let it be here and now that we leave this world behind and finally become what God destined us to be. instead of pessimism or optimism or any -ism, let us strive for being. forsake every strand of society to rebuild from the ground up.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Sequel
I'd rather spend my time in useless misery, collecting dust on the shelf, than be called upon in this manner... at least two people have got the right idea... i hope...
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
You know what kicks ass...
Invader Zim kicks ass... really its all Gir, but the show in itself is pretty badass...
Juno also came out yesterday... I might buy that....
Juno also came out yesterday... I might buy that....
Monday, April 14, 2008
Note to self...
addition to dream home... some manner of recording my thoughts while in the shower... oh how much that would help me. i should invest in a waterproof recording device. genius.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
not a good idea
that movie had some deep and profound effect.
hence why i seldom watch it.
i got so wrapped up in amazing hot chick nude that i forgot about all the other stuff...
i thought love was supposed to be happy.
oh well.
yet another one of my... lol... almost did it again... im so used to spilling everything here... and now i can't.
its odd, the death of one era and from the ashes the birth of a new one. its gonna be oh so much fun for you guys. still trying to get into my head. good luck.
yes shannon i may still wear my personality on my sleeve, but you'll have to figure out which one it is.
yes jess you do/did know a lot, but you are merely testing the walls of this new cage i have trapped you under, soon the realization of how little you know will come to bear. doubt will fill your mind and with it i will have succeeded.
who is emmet? haha no one knows because he is his own best kept secret. knowing the past does not help you any longer. the past has become the present. and no one is finding out the present. and if you can't put two and two together, then you don't have four. and if you don't have four then you don't even have half of what is required to begin to broach the depth of maze i have locked myself in...
hence why i seldom watch it.
i got so wrapped up in amazing hot chick nude that i forgot about all the other stuff...
i thought love was supposed to be happy.
oh well.
yet another one of my... lol... almost did it again... im so used to spilling everything here... and now i can't.
its odd, the death of one era and from the ashes the birth of a new one. its gonna be oh so much fun for you guys. still trying to get into my head. good luck.
yes shannon i may still wear my personality on my sleeve, but you'll have to figure out which one it is.
yes jess you do/did know a lot, but you are merely testing the walls of this new cage i have trapped you under, soon the realization of how little you know will come to bear. doubt will fill your mind and with it i will have succeeded.
who is emmet? haha no one knows because he is his own best kept secret. knowing the past does not help you any longer. the past has become the present. and no one is finding out the present. and if you can't put two and two together, then you don't have four. and if you don't have four then you don't even have half of what is required to begin to broach the depth of maze i have locked myself in...
Saturday, April 12, 2008
ESotSM
that's a good movie. reminded me a lot about... nvm we wont go there. have to remember not to open up anymore...
don't wanna get hurt again... sink too close...
don't wanna get hurt again... sink too close...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"So you guys are astronauts... on a Star Trek?"
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...
I am like a twelve year old girl who gets to see Justin Timberlake live in concert.
I am like peeing my pants for star trek, and it is still a lil under a year until it comes out.
I am over the casting mistakes. In my opinion, even if the story line goes back in time, all the original cast needs to be there from the start. Not just Leonard Nemoy. However, Spock does rock socks. And there are a couple cool castings, as in I can see these actors doing an okay job based on the types of roles they have previously played. But still. Nothing beats Shatner, Nemoy, Doohan, Kelly, Takei, Nicholes, etc... They are star trek, they are the originals.
I hope this movie ushers in a new era of star trek. Let's not stop with XI folks, keep them coming. They should do movies about Voyager?! Although by that time not many people were in to the series, and the series wasn't that good. God DS9 sucked, so anything that had to follow DS9 isn't going to get a good rep. DS9 was like a giant soap opera in space. *puke* Oh well. Voyager isn't that bad. Enterprise was cool and I think it went before its time. 4 seasons was too brief. So I spent an hour last night on the official star trek website (yeah I'm a nerd), and working on a new background for my computer. Haha, I love Photoshop sometimes.
Star Trek: the Orginal Series (3 Seasons)
Star Trek: TNG (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: DS9 (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: Voyager (7 Seasons)
Enterprise (4 Seasons)
Yeah all those ^^ I am buying. I have all the movies, now time to work on all the TV DVDs. My mom is going to love this.
PS I had an amazing thought occur to me last night. I think I am going to write a dissertation on why Star Trek is amazing. I can't believe how many people poo poo it aside. :P (No I'm not going to force you to watch it, but I will ask why you prefer not to watch it - and what you do prefer to watch instead - so that I can argue that despite that Star Trek is a series of literary merit, which deserves the attention of any who aspire to learn and grow through mediums of literary merit.)
I am like a twelve year old girl who gets to see Justin Timberlake live in concert.
I am like peeing my pants for star trek, and it is still a lil under a year until it comes out.
I am over the casting mistakes. In my opinion, even if the story line goes back in time, all the original cast needs to be there from the start. Not just Leonard Nemoy. However, Spock does rock socks. And there are a couple cool castings, as in I can see these actors doing an okay job based on the types of roles they have previously played. But still. Nothing beats Shatner, Nemoy, Doohan, Kelly, Takei, Nicholes, etc... They are star trek, they are the originals.
I hope this movie ushers in a new era of star trek. Let's not stop with XI folks, keep them coming. They should do movies about Voyager?! Although by that time not many people were in to the series, and the series wasn't that good. God DS9 sucked, so anything that had to follow DS9 isn't going to get a good rep. DS9 was like a giant soap opera in space. *puke* Oh well. Voyager isn't that bad. Enterprise was cool and I think it went before its time. 4 seasons was too brief. So I spent an hour last night on the official star trek website (yeah I'm a nerd), and working on a new background for my computer. Haha, I love Photoshop sometimes.
Star Trek: the Orginal Series (3 Seasons)
Star Trek: TNG (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: DS9 (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: Voyager (7 Seasons)
Enterprise (4 Seasons)
Yeah all those ^^ I am buying. I have all the movies, now time to work on all the TV DVDs. My mom is going to love this.
PS I had an amazing thought occur to me last night. I think I am going to write a dissertation on why Star Trek is amazing. I can't believe how many people poo poo it aside. :P (No I'm not going to force you to watch it, but I will ask why you prefer not to watch it - and what you do prefer to watch instead - so that I can argue that despite that Star Trek is a series of literary merit, which deserves the attention of any who aspire to learn and grow through mediums of literary merit.)
Monday, April 7, 2008
i was doing so well...
it's been a long time since i cried myself to sleep last...
but tonight looks chipper... maybe i wont sleep... just cry... idk... we'll see...
but tonight looks chipper... maybe i wont sleep... just cry... idk... we'll see...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
i guess
i need to get something off my chest... but she never says what she needs to in order for me to say it...
almost like she doesn't care to know...
should i just say it? type it out and get it over with? give her all the real reasons, all the reasons that will hurt more, but make more sense?
well folks... here's a toast to falling...
almost like she doesn't care to know...
should i just say it? type it out and get it over with? give her all the real reasons, all the reasons that will hurt more, but make more sense?
well folks... here's a toast to falling...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Your drug
is a heart breaker,
but my love is a life taker...
I wish it wasn't so... but it is.
Wind whistling through the thickets of old oaks under the deep blue radiance of a full moon has knocked my balance askew. I have slipped, fallen, and cut myself on the thorny defenses of these succulent plants. Nourished by pale moonlight, seeking the sullen shade of the oak, while reaching for that starry sky.
Oh what a night.
Oh what a life.
Oh what a hellish fiend I've become.
I am undone.
Flayed alive by instinct, by desire.
It's shear beauty is overwhelming... overwhelmingly simple...
Life is for the simpleton and life is hell... no wonder they have all gone... leaving me in this ghost town of reason...
but my love is a life taker...
I wish it wasn't so... but it is.
Wind whistling through the thickets of old oaks under the deep blue radiance of a full moon has knocked my balance askew. I have slipped, fallen, and cut myself on the thorny defenses of these succulent plants. Nourished by pale moonlight, seeking the sullen shade of the oak, while reaching for that starry sky.
Oh what a night.
Oh what a life.
Oh what a hellish fiend I've become.
I am undone.
Flayed alive by instinct, by desire.
It's shear beauty is overwhelming... overwhelmingly simple...
Life is for the simpleton and life is hell... no wonder they have all gone... leaving me in this ghost town of reason...
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
not the response i was looking for...
but in other news
my grandfather had successful surgery today.
got out in 7 hours
should be in the hospital all day tomorrow
then goes home friday...
my grandfather had successful surgery today.
got out in 7 hours
should be in the hospital all day tomorrow
then goes home friday...
Things
They look up.
Taking her hand. Remembering that feeling; inspired anew. This wonderous feeling I have not felt in so long. It returns again. Desire, passion, romance. All intertwined in one, glorious body. Captivated by the glowing aura of her presence.
She is mine, and I hers. Satisfaction comes from that. I will not illusion myself into falsehoods, for it is too early to tell, but five minutes into this new relationship, and I already feel eternity pressing its weight down on me. Eternity would be nice. Maybe after a while "us" could become "eternity." Eternally one, as in the wholesome feeling now coursing through my veins.
Oh how I missed this feeling. I do not want it ever to vanish again. I will take flight with it if it be a fleeting thing, if it be akin to happiness. I refuse to share it, it is mine and it alone can consume and console me.
Taking her hand. Remembering that feeling; inspired anew. This wonderous feeling I have not felt in so long. It returns again. Desire, passion, romance. All intertwined in one, glorious body. Captivated by the glowing aura of her presence.
She is mine, and I hers. Satisfaction comes from that. I will not illusion myself into falsehoods, for it is too early to tell, but five minutes into this new relationship, and I already feel eternity pressing its weight down on me. Eternity would be nice. Maybe after a while "us" could become "eternity." Eternally one, as in the wholesome feeling now coursing through my veins.
Oh how I missed this feeling. I do not want it ever to vanish again. I will take flight with it if it be a fleeting thing, if it be akin to happiness. I refuse to share it, it is mine and it alone can consume and console me.
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