K

I've finally found a bit of substance to what makes K so great. What binds her to me in some metaphysical fashion.
The things that are important to me, the style in which I operate-and not just with her, but people in general-is guilty. I am guilty until proven innocent. I am a person who has to be faced with guilt in order to understand, in order to forgive, in order to change. She puts the guilt on me when I need to be faced with it.
All my virtues are vices. For each virtue she shoves forward the vice instead of letting it slide.
Her stubbornness reflects mine.
I can't even begin to combat this. With walls, with sly words, with subtlety. I can't dodge and chase. I can't scatter thoughts and play mental games. I become a thumb sucking baby when faced with guilt. I am not in control when faced with guilt. She takes away my control, and that is what is so important.

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

I guess it is funny how much a simple song can say about something. Our society has always based so much power and meaning in song lyrics. Many of the lyrics take root in our souls and in our minds and in our hearts. Those lyrics are carried with us forever. However, there are also those lyrics which we stumble upon in daily life, those songs that we never looked at twice, but suddenly mean something because of what has happened to us. The random occurrences of everyday life influence our taste in music, and which songs/bands we like at particular times. This must be true with everything, we search and hold onto deep meaning in so much. It's not just the Buddhists who believe in Karma. They put a name to it, they personify it in human interaction. But taking hold of something, finding a song that lifts you up or expands a single noun into lines of poetic rhythm. Not only that but lyrics, weather, attitude, reception, everything can be the entire basis for how a day can be shaped emotionally. Most importantly is perception. The way things are perceived by others. When someone stands up and gets in the way. When something occurs that seems to throw off the balance of the world. These things happen regularly, but do people have the power to handle them. Would it be fair to say that someone who gets depressed by the state of the climate around them is weaker minded than someone who is raped and can no longer face anyone, especially not men? Do they fall under different classifications, or are they the same? Does a chemical imbalance justify it or is the whole issue unquantifiable? I'm not really sure. Just like most things I just want people to try and cope. I want people to embrace their 'issues' and try to work past them. I guess that I've been misconstrued and abusive with my ideas and ideals. I never meant to harm anyone, and I think you all know that. I think part of the blessing/curse of people being incapable of staying mad at me for long is that you all know that I don't have any malicious intent with anything I say or do. I'm just trying to help you guys understand, but maybe instead of giving you the literary deep provocative version of me I should just hand over the spark notes version. This may make me sound like I am mincing words or being a hypocrite, but I am okay with that because all people are hypocrites. I try my hardest not to be, but I will not worry myself to death by trying to attain a level of perfection that is impossible in society.
To J: I received your invitation. I am sorry your letter felt the need to say what it did. I think some of the things you said didn't need to be said. I know that I am always invited. I got that memo, a long time ago. I'm glad it's still open. I'm sorry that I won't be able to attend your party because of too many responsibilities here on campus and not enough gas and no job-yet. As for your letter, well in all honesty that kinda just pissed me off. Yes, you are doing exactly what I am 'telling' you to do. Based on the way I am acting, the words I am saying you are doing what a person in 'normal' society should do. Yet, since when am I a functioning individual in society? Honestly, the fact that I need to explain to you that you are choosing the wrong wishes to respect, or respecting them in the wrong way. I never said leave me alone. I never said disappear. I said give me time. I said give me space. I don't understand how that can be so drastically misinterpreted. I stopped pushing you away to test you a while ago. I came clean over the spring. Since then it has been friendship, but a friendship that you keep trying to turn into something else. Yes you let me close, and I backed away. I backed away to keep this a friendship and nothing more, but you keep wanting to put me back against your heart. It's not that I don't want to be there, but all I am interested in is friendship. I'm not acting like I still care because I do still care. But the problem is J you think that the way I care for you is special. It is only significant and unique in the fact that you are an individual, a person who should be treated as such. I treat everyone the same in that I care for them and listen to them and genuinely want them to feel amazing. That is something you fell in love with I am guessing. I am sorry that it is a love I can't return. Hell I don't even know what love is, how can I return it? I don't know what you want from me, but I haven't gone anywhere. I have changed, I am much less of a naive little boy. However, I am sure you could still find a friend in me if you needed it. I just think the biggest thing will be you accepting that your feelings for me may not be reciprocated.
To S: Some would say I have nothing to apologize for, parts of me even feel that I have nothing to apologize for. However, I will do so. Maybe I have stopped just saying 'Hi' for the hell of it.
I am sorry people don't appreciate me spreading things via the 'public' eye. Yes anyone can stumble upon this website, but honestly who would stay captivated by it? Who would see more than just another anonymous person whining all over the internet? If I stumbled upon a random person's blog that said nothing more than personal things that I was not more deeply privy to I wouldn't stay long. So here is where our problems manifest themselves. But I get my ideas out better on the page rather than in voice. Sure there are other places to do this, but this is what the blog is for. I am putting myself, what is bothering me, my ideas and my thoughts in a secure place. I just make it available for people to read. I can't see how some of the things that I've said here haven't made people feel closer to me. I've explained a lot here, said a lot, but somehow things get skipped over. People like to concentrate on the hurtful things, or get an idea in their head and misconstrue. Perception is a deadly thing and I am playing with it. I guess it is like playing with fire. The old adage says that: "if you play with fire you will get burned." I guess I just can't learn the part about getting burned. Or maybe I just don't care. It could also be that I am so selfish that in the end I will do what is best for me over what is best for other people. Who knows? I don't, most certainly I am still discovering the truest parts of myself in the deepest recesses of my own cavernous mind.
What I don't get is that if I am still on my journey, then how can people expect me to open up to them? I don't want to paint them a false portrait, I don't want to lead them in the wrong direction. So I just force them to hang back, force them to wait until I put something down concretely in my mind. My journey is for me to walk alone, that is why it is mine. There are other journeys which can be made with others and I fully embrace those. Just the deep one, the one that everyone so eagerly wants, is mine and mine alone.
I do put bits and pieces of that journey here, like I have said. And I think it is about time for another sliver of information. Maybe this puzzle piece will fit well together with the other outside pieces that I've established. I do believe that I've given you all the outline to who I am, just all the meaty middle pieces refuse to fit together.
So love. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a better idea than I did even 8 months ago. Well I think I had a very good idea of what it is last fall, but that idea got lost in teenage adventure. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of things that S taught me about the world and myself and people in general, but they didn't necessarily fit into my previously referenced idea of love. They taught me about sexuality and where I fit into it. Which as a part of love is very important. It is a piece of love that I now understand better and appreciate more. It is a new factor into what love is. However, I am not here to discuss my sexuality as it pertains to love, but the less physical aspects of love. The emotional and intellectual aspects of love, those aspects of love that I hold in higher esteem.
Like for instance: what is the emotion of love? Where does it stem from? What are its facets? I don't think love is what they tell you in the fairy tales. I'm not necessarily talking about the chivalric knight on a white stallion type of thing either. I'm talking about the need for someone. I don't think love is something that one can't live without. Like all those stories about a heart dying when a true love dies. Like all those stories where one can't live without the other. I am not saying that one can't miss the one they love. I think that a requirement of love is loving yourself. I think that in loving yourself you learn that you don't need to love another or need another to love you in order to survive. I am not saying that if K broke up with me that I wouldn't be upset and depressed and lost for a while, but in the end I know I would move on. I would reattain this level of thinking that I don't need a relationship to survive. I am not a co-dependent person. I rely on myself. I think love is about giving, but you can't give if you don't rely on yourself.
So would I say that I am in love? No. I still am not totally positive about that definition. Also I think that K and I have a lot to learn about each other yet. But I do know that I am falling faster and harder with each day. And that alone gives me cause to cheer that I may discover what love is yet. I think that the end of the road to love is a journey that two people share.

Doomsday Blog (aka "Nadie")

I sense that I don't really have the energy for this at this point. What is the point? 'Nadie.' What an appropriate word. Nothing in the English language can placate my bleeding cliche. Honestly, where could I go from here? There is no up, and going down is just a painful process.
Still I find cause to smile. Or do I? What does anyone know or understand? Where do I draw the line? I don't draw the line. There is no line to draw. The sands of time are whipped away by winds so fierce even a hurricane can't compete. This struggle that society throws in my face daily, I refuse to accept. Over and over and over again culture tries to strike me into provocation.
The natural progression of my life has come to a halt. An impasse.

Not This Day... This Day We...

So Reach the Beach. Yeah. I did it. I ran fourteen and a half miles. In three legs. With three hours of sleep, in a muggy, sweaty, uncomfortable, cramped van. At least an hour of that was done sitting up in the form of 10 minute cat naps here or there. I survived on peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, and protein bars. I didn't have the funds or means to accurately prepare (food wise) for the race. Next year I'll set aside money for the event, and come prepared with TONS of food and drink.
I learned that Jenn Monroe needs to make some of her homemade hummus and let me try it. We also had plenty of conversations about this and that, time really just flew by. What a miraculous 30 hours.
So where to go from here, right? Nope. Training for next year will commence immediately. Well as soon as I wind down for a few weeks. Give my body some time to rest. It deserves it.
I ran hard and fast (for my level of training) and want to go harder and faster next year. My legs hurt pretty much constantly when I move up and down stairs and sometimes when I walk. It is mostly my quads. Which is tightening up my hams. I know I have shin splints but I only feel that if I go downhill. Which I only have to worry about shit hill. But then again it is all good pain anyway, because my muscles can't let the lactic acid build up and ravish them. My body needs to keep moving and not tighten up. I don't want to lose any muscle mass, and very little of my fitness from this. I need to train for next year, and all the races in between.
My next race is going to be right after Thanksgiving. It is just a 5k, going back to my old XC roots. It will be so nostalgic running on that golf course. But in order to feel adequately prepared for that I need to put some more base miles underneath me and start some speed workouts and some thresholds. That means I need to find a track nearby.
This is going to be so much fun. Except I need someone to run with for most of this. Maybe J will be interested in training with me. Maybe he won't do the hard workouts, especially if he's not racing, but maybe he'll come and time me or help me keep motivated and on pace.
Yeah. Also I am the President of the RHC. We are now entering week 4 of school and I still don't have a job. However, I've become actively involved in almost every other facet of campus life. 6 classes, leadership organization, intermural sport, workshops, OL (this still applies believe me), and now what? I need a job. I have K and a social life. I love to lounge around and have fun. But I got so much hw to do too.
It is said that it is hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. I want to apologize if I forget that I am trying. I've never had this much on my plate. I'm usually the type that stands by and watches change, reaping the benefits, not the one trying to enduce it.

Innovative

I guess there isn't much to say. Things seem to come across the most when things are in such predicaments. I am in a relationship and suddenly feelings that were never expressed so strongly come out. Or maybe it was my choice of words the other day.
S you need someone who can give to you everything you need. D is a great guy. He is smart and funny and attractive and smokes. He is into similar things as you, he has been around for so long. However that might be the downfall, you are relying on that too much. He is rather self-absorbed at times, that is why you find it difficult to get things into his head. It's not as much of a problem except that you need lots of attention.
I know your feelings for me. However, I think it could be just as strong for a person who is like me in that they will give you whatever you want or need at anytime. There are a few of us out there, fighting up hill against the stereotypes of society. Just the wild whims of social pressure tend to blow us off course and make us more difficult to find. But nothing worth having ever comes easily. Don't settle. That is a very wise piece of advice that I got from C.
I'm not settling. I'm moving on. I know what we had. I know what we didn't. I know effort could have been put forth in some areas, but it just didn't happen that way. I do not regret any of my decisions. At the time they seemed right, and time has only reinforced that. You need someone with my virtues but none of my faults. You deserve someone with my virtues and none of my faults.
J... well all I have to say to you is that you've become too paranoid. If you really wanted in you wouldn't have taken 'back off' as an excuse. You would have adapted and continued. But you let me box you up and trap you in my world of games and deceit. Now you don't know what to say. You let it happen. I directed you away and you just fell in line. You struggled a bit, but gave up too easily. Submitted mentally too easily. Possibly another sign of our lack of compatibility. Dune was just the first step, and you just fell a bit short. Intuition and comprehension are two different beasts. Anyway... I digress.
K, I'm sorry I offended your religion. I can be an ignorant bastard sometimes. I try to be objective and neutral, but sometimes generalizations slip out. Dancing on eggshells is no fun. I like swinging my hips with you.
And T just talked out in his sleep. I want to document this. He said something about rubbing lamps.
But back to you K, we just need to do WORK instead of 'relax' all the time. That would help immensely. We can't change our beliefs or the obstacles in our way immediately. Until then, butterfly kisses and huggles. We just both can't afford to not do well this semester. So to beddy bye with me. Promise.

"Life The Universe and Everything"... 1 yr. later...

It seems its been quite a while since the last time I updated this. I am sure that not many people follow it anymore, at least not as religiously as they used to. But things have been said and done and complicated, and then I dropped off the blogger scene for a while. Honestly I can't really blame myself, things were getting too dramatic and I needed to take a step back. Life wasn't going my way, but now it's time to say a few things. Maybe the people who used to read this will find this someday and learn something.
I am in a relationship. That is right ladies and gentlemen I am no longer on the market, as the saying goes. I am taken and loving it and not interested in changing my mind anytime soon. Okay so I'm not married. Okay so it's only been, what, I don't know, something less than a week. Whatever, I don't care. A relationship is a relationship. This one is more intense than any other one I have ever been in. It's way beyond all those high school 'flings.' And it's something different than what S and I had.
Her name is K. She is a Pisces and while I don't know if that is good or bad yet, I don't care. She is amazing and that's all I am concerned with.
I have to apologize to J. I'm not sure if you are still under the illusion that there will ever be an us, but there won't. I don't know if you still believe that your little ultimatum is on, but it's not. It never was. Actually it turned me away more than it made me feel better. So much like a lot of things you have done since the end of last summer. I was truly and completely honest when I said what I said last Thanksgiving. And even though it was under the pretenses of being in a relationship with S, I was still honest and truthful. It was the same with Spring break too. I'm done. You've proven that you can't be my friend while I am in a relationship with another girl. That has made me skeptical as to whether you can be my friend while I am single. Yes the roles have reversed and how ironic is it that they have reversed so perfectly. It went from you not having any interest in little old naive me. To something semi-mutual. To me not having any interest in little old naive you. Yes you are the one shaking in your boots, while I am as solid as stone. The thing that you need to understand is that I don't treat you specially different than others, okay well that's a bad way to put it. However, there is no good way to put it. I treat you like an adult, an individual, a free thinking member of society. That's what makes me so different from everyone else, but that is how I treat everyone. Just because I am so kind and caring doesn't mean I'm interested in you, I had to learn that lesson the hard way, and it seems you do too. I tried to teach you how to be independent that summer, seemingly so long ago. I'm not so sure if my lessons were learned anymore. So I am 'distant' now to save you pain. I've made you go cold turkey so that things will be easier in the end. The sooner you can desensitize yourself to your feelings for me the sooner you can possibly have your 'bud' back. I know you like letting me know everything that's going on in your head, but being informed of how much you miss me when you drive through or near CT would be best served in your own head, not mine as well. This paranoid existence is how we must live in order for you to survive.
I have to apologize to S. I can't be there for you like you need me. I haven't been able to since January. It's just not who I am. It took four months, but I believe it would have been a lie after that if we had stayed together. It would also be a lie if we ever got back together. When I do something it is final, and while my intentions may not have been completely concise and clear and organized, my subconscious knew what it was doing. I also acknowledge that my methodology was a little immature. I take full responsibility for everything. Everything since that day. All the crying and pain. I know I caused it. I know I could stop it. I just need to be selfish. I lashed out, which was completely immoral of me, however I still needed to be selfish and it seemed that that was the only way that my subconscious knew how. I don't think anything positive will come from us being close. You have your world, I have mine. I have gained morals and barriers and responsibility. I will help you as best that I can, but my words will have to suffice. A hug or two maybe. I am not changing, I am just distancing myself. You just can't be close with someone like me. It's hard to let people in and let them see and understand. I defend myself too strongly. My walls shoot up too easily. I've already built up blockers and mechanisms against you tearing down my kingdom. That is just the way it works.

I just have so much on my plate. I came to this school content to never be overly active in campus life, and more than satisfied to talk with the one person from home I still cared about. I came to school with this underlying thought of sticking it to my parents by getting involved in drugs, alcohol, and loose sex. I just wanted to spite everything they taught me and all the morals they tried so hard to instill in me. I wanted to fight the power for a change. I wanted to be the stereotypical child to run rampant after being locked in a cage their whole life then set free. I guess my subconscious listened. I still haven't done drugs, I still refuse to smoke, even think I'm allergic on some level. I have tried a few types of alcohol, but refuse to drink but with one person. She's the only person I trust enough. I also lost my virginity, thereby hurting someone who I used to care a lot more about. So much has happened. So much did happen. And all that was in 3 months, one semester. One very long 13 week span as I entered collegiate life.
I mean it could've and probably would've been worse had I gone to a party school, but something happened here at Chester. Someone once said I had outgrown my cocoon and became a beautiful butterfly eager to spread my wings. I used to agree.
After that long semester I had time to think, time to settle, time to adjust myself to life. I grew. I took all that I had learned during the fall and grew up. I wasn't a butterfly yet, I was still in my cocoon, I was still naive. There was just so much to learn in such a short period. My brain needed time to soak it all in and analyze it. I realized that I wanted something intellectual from a significant other. I realized that I didn't want to distinguish between male and female when searching for that significant other. I even decided to stop searching all together. I felt that it was unnecessary. I didn't need someone else, and no one else needed me. Bachelorhood is an excellent existence. I still rather enjoy the idea of it sometimes. Things are a lot simpler, and not because I can be flirty and flashy with anyone, I am still that way. However, I figured that if the right person was going to come along they were gonna do while my back was turned. That is how the sayings went, and since nothing else was working, it was time to listen to the sayings.
I won't lie and say that it wasn't hard sometimes. I won't lie and say that I was happy all the time. I won't lie and say that the world saw my true emotions and feelings. I don't think anyone did. I kept everything important to myself, unwilling to share anything with anyone. I was tired of drama and accusations and blame. I was tired of burdening myself with all the woes of society.
I am done.
Now I spend all summer having to live in the real world, finding out that it isn't half bad. I don't prefer it, but it is tolerable to a point. I still have all my dreams and know that I will live them out, however in the mean time I can survive in this world. There is ample sustenance and pleasure in being lonely. I don't know exactly what it is, but I did not spend all summer wallowing in self-pity, or crying myself to sleep from depression. In fact I did the opposite. I hung out with people, laughing over good times. Okay by people I mean C. However it was fun. She is amazing, a true friend. She simplifies things rather than complicates them.
I got back to school and one of the first things someone said to me was that I had grown up. I thought I was an adult, how could I grow up? But it seems that I was just a young little freshman last year after all. Now I am starting an ultimate frisbee club, actively involved in workshopping, running for President of a leadership committee on campus. I have 6 classes and a girlfriend. I need a job. I just don't think I will have the down time necessary to get all my old 'stuff' done. And yet I can't help but feel, despite all the pulling and tangling, that I won't be bored this semester. Aside from the fact that my room is a complete and utter mess, still, I think that things will settle down soon.
Maybe my heart will stop racing at some point in all of this. I don't know. I'm thinking of K as I write this as well. I'm thinking how completely she blind sided me. I am thinking on whether or not I want to tell her story and make it real by putting it on the 'page' or keep it in my head, keep it all to myself. It's as nonchalantly uncanny as a dream or fairy tale, but more real than any pinch or pin prick. I am definitely awake, I have determined that, this good of a fantasy would have ended a long time ago.
I met her while being a good OL. I shook her hand, heard her name, and let it go. She is shy and withdrawn. I noticed that from the get go. I had my list of young freshman girls who caught my eye, the outgoing loud obnoxious type who were societially appealing to me. The ones who were exactly what any stereotypical male member of society would enjoy and be 'in to.' Of course it was a short list, because despite the fact that I was looking at them in every stereotypical way, I still have morals and preferences. Not to mention the fact that this is a small school, although out of the like 60 new freshman this semester like 10 are guys. Great odds, no?
So K was just someone who I wanted to become friends with, someone that would need to be broken out. Like not allowed to be reclusive. Not to mention she is a commuter, therefore she needs to be 'picked' on even more about coming to campus activities and getting involved in campus life. I, being an OL, felt that it was my job to try and do this. At least to the best of my abilities and her comfort level.
Now there is a story that goes with this. It is her story, but that story is for her to tell and for me to keep for myself. I hold it close to myself as I sleep. It allows me to shut my eyes and head off into dream land when she is not there for me to snuggle with and keep warm.
The rest of my story goes as follows: One night, at 9 o'clock because of the guest freeze, we leave the dorms. She had hinted at wanting to hang out in some fashion outside the dorms because she didn't want to go home quite yet. I was inclined to agree, again I wanted to get to know her, become a friend. God this is sounding so scarily perfect. Upon reflection I did everything 'right.' Everything by the book. I didn't go all out, all flirty and overbearing. I wanted to be her friend. What did I end up with? The strongest relationship I have ever felt.
So we went up to Dal. I figured we'd shoot some pool, talk a little. At first we were all alone, I was asking some questions, personal and philosophical, and she was answering. Then T and K came and kinda ruined the personal atmosphere. I mean K and I weren't rude, we shot a round with them. We were sociable and such. I mean come on I'm always sociable. Besides T is my roommie so there is no reason for me not to be all giddy and hyper and full of sexual inuendos around him.
But after that one round of pool K and I left. We went on a walk. We talked. There was just something. Some connection on an intellectual level. More than J and I ever had. Stronger than S and I ever had. It's just the truth.
That is what has been going on. That is how things are happening. Honestly there is nothing more I can cram into this thing. Nothing more I can say, on anything. I've poured onto this page vagueness and revelations in such towering proportions that you should all just enjoy it. No need to get bitter over the truth, no need to get pissy over the future. Just live one day at a time. No day but today. Trust those sayings, for some odd reason they are always right...

When Someone You Are Close To Needs A Hand

Just being there to hear them talk about their problems is all it takes. Being at your phone when they make that desperate call. If only I had a car. I would be at her house in an instant. I would spend the day with her. She doesn't need my advice. I give what I can. I know she holds my advice above all others. But I know what to say. I know what she will disregard and what she needs to hear. It's the truth. I know what I would be thinking in her shoes. It always seems to be that way. Especially for her. I am there for her and care for her. She can call me at any hour, at any place, for any reason. She can wake me up at any point in the night. I will always be there to listen and help her. And I am glad that she knows it, even though she will apologize every time. I am glad that I am closest to her out of anyone. I am glad that she is the only one who knows me as well as I know myself. I am glad that I know her. I guess I'd have to thank my parents for that. Regardless of how they feel about her, I still have to thank them for taking the course that they did, making the life decisions that they did, when they made them.

New

I just created a new site with iweb. I guess I could give it to you guys, but if you want it you're gonna have to come and get it.

Each of you get a sentence... S, J, B, M... in that order...

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none

I must say, this another song that came up that explains a lot of my emotions right now.
The goal of anyone who calls me friend should be to know/figure out what my pride is, what my promise is, what my lies are, and what truths are so difficult that they get in the way. If you can name all of those correctly, then you can say you know me. I only know of one person who can do this. And the only reason they can, is... well that is my secret, and hers. The rest of you can keep plugging away at my walls, but for every inch you think you gain, I add ten, for every seemingly correct turn in the labyrinth, I reset the playing field. There are no advantages, there are no favorites, just those who know how to succeed. Getting jealous over the way I talk, the way I live, the way I am, isn't going to help. Contorting what I say to fit your personality, will only get you pushed away. Embracing who you are, will get you my love. Trying to become a better person through trial and error will get you my respect.

Lots and lots of think...

Yes think. There has been but one thought occupying my mind these last 24-48 hours. No you don't get to know what it is. I had a long, beautiful, weight lifting conversation with my old friend last night. :sigh: It felt so good to talk to her. I remembered why I talk to her, why I consider her above all else my closest friend, because she is. I tell her everything, without hesitation, right down to the maybe not so good things I almost did this past weekend. I just blurt it all out and say my piece. And she listens, and then I do the same for her. And she knows me and I know her. She helps me and I help her. She keeps me on the straight and narrow, and I try to be a shoulder for her. And I think the reason we are so close is because we are so independent, normally we don't open up much to people, we rely on ourselves and we pride ourselves on being there for our friends, but to each other we are like peas in a pod. It is so great. I talked to her 'til I was parched in the mouth and I had worn down the rug another millimeter from all my pacing. (Yes I always pace when I am on the phone, I can't help it.)
Now tonight we're gonna hang out 'til whenever I feel like leaving, and catch up and chillax and all that. It's so great. I think I need to stop saying that sentence, it's getting redundant.
But in other news. I have a couple songs I want to refer to. I think it would be a waste of time and space if I put the lyrics up, so I'll name the songs and if you feel like looking up the lyrics (although I am sure all of you will know the songs) you can. "Every Breath You Take" by The Police and "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick.
I refer to those songs because in the last 24-48 hours I have realized something. In talking with my old friend, in talking to myself (boy I haven't done that in a long time) I think I have come to the conclusion that I love you. It hits me every time we talk, my heart sinks and rises like the tide because I love you. But it is okay, because the best love in the world is the forbidden ones, just like this. And truth be told I think you know it, but you just don't realize exactly how much...

101

Wow, I just realized how lame that 100th post was.
I guess I was distracted or something. Well I am lame so...

But here is the real deal.

So yes, I did talk with an old friend. We're gonna hook up at some point so we can catch up on things, and then we'll hang out periodically during the summer. It will be great.
And the reason why is that of all the people from HS, she is the one I'd hate to lose touch with. She can't really be called my best friend because we frequently fall out of touch for brief periods of time, but we are really close. If she weren't gay I swear we'd prolly marry each other. We know each other well and we are very similar on pretty much ever level. Its great. It will be great to hang out with her and talk with her. Whenever I am down she brings me up. For some reason when she enters my life anew it is always towards the end of a long period of strife and depression, but things only look up afterwards. And this time is no different. Today was even a good day at work. My boss bought everyone lunch because she challenged us we went beyond the challenge. That's what she gets for telling us we're slow and weak. And the container was pretty neat and orderly and there were no messes and there was no aggravation and stress. Today was amazing for a Monday. Hopefully this bodes well for the week. For the rest of the summer, if I may be so bold to say. haha.

100th post

And boy do I have news for you...

Last night was a bad night. I was depressed. I'll admit it.
But today was a good day.
I watched anime, I feel better. It's good.
And I talked to Chels. We have a lot of catching up to do, but it will be great. I'm glad that we're gonna start talking again, and this time I won't stop talking to her.

Taking a leaf from S' book

"I'm not sure of anyone, anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking for everything but sure I could use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone and I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my cue and I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from the corner of my eye
Never really mastered disinterest

I can't see how
The way that you leave me alone makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things that seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here when I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk but we're not fighting
You hold on to your secrets
And I'm not privy to what is on your mind
But I can't help but feel tired
So tired, so tired, so tired

So tired"

I love my iTunes. It is built off the playlists of other people. 90% of the music I got from friends or family, it is referred music that I either like or I don't like. I mean this is how most people get their music sure, but for me it is fun because I'll forget a song is in my favorites playlist, and then it will come up and it will capture the exact mood I am in. For example, the one quoted above. Thank you Shannon for introducing me to this amazing band.

The Sound of Silence

Minutes later and I still can't say much.
You yell at me when I close off and don't open up.
But when I do I get myself into trouble.
I am a nuclear bomb.
I tell you to stay behind the lead shielding.
You don't listen.
Nothing happens at first, so I let it slide.
But prolonged exposure is deadly.
No side effects until its too late.
No one believes me.
No one understands until I blow up.
By then it's too late.
I recompress.
Wounds heal.
Anger subsides.
Pain vanishes.
The death toll continues to rise.
And still they think that I deserve saving.
And still they think I can be helped.
There is only one way to deal with nuclear energy.
Stay back and await its eventual decay.
I am too unstable and no one understands.

For S

There used to be a time when I could sleep on my own. Just me and my pillow. But that began to become painful and I would wake up sore. So I got that lil gray bean pillow. That used to suffice. And then I started sharing a bed with someone, with you. And now the lil gray pillow doesn't work anymore. I had to upgrade to something bigger. I wonder if it will continue like this. I just find it funny. And I thought I'd let you know.

Dear J

You listen to The Fray much? I'm sure you do, it is right up your ally. So I got a task for you: look up the lyrics to 'How to Save a Life.' You may find much there. In a Emmet, read between the lines but not too much, sort of way. It's there. All of it. You, me, your insecurities, and your ability to grasp the situation. So I'm gonna enlighten you. You say that all of this makes you doubt that I care anymore. I don't know how many times I've heard that escape your lips, too many to count to be sure, but has it ever been true? So why lose faith now? Oh because I'm doing something different. I'm saving your life again (metaphorically speaking of course), and you can't realize it 'til after the fact. You are trying to save my life, trying to pin down what you know, but it's not working. I don't need saving. And it's not because I'm safe, or anything, it is because I don't want to be saved and I don't deserve to be saved. And if you even say one word against why I do or don't deserve, I'll slap you (that goes for all of you). I deserve to be saved for all the same reasons as each other human being, however, I don't deserve to be saved because I don't want to be saved, because my own guilt says I don't deserve to be saved. And no one knows me well enough to say anything against that. You may have some idea, you may have the rough facts, you may know this and that, but truth is, you don't live my life, you don't know what goes on in my head, you don't know what I lived for and through. So spare me your saving grace. Save it for someone who deserves it.
So meanwhile you are destroying our friendship. Of course I am letting you. But that is because I am yet again giving you another lesson about life, I am yet again trying to instill in you something that I thought I already got across to you. Ha, don't think I'm gonna spill the beans on what it is, you're not that lucky.
You assume way too much, you take things way too seriously, and yet again I am gonna say this, but you take offense to way too much. Life sucks, life is gonna hurt, get over it. Honestly it is the ones you are close to who hurt you the most because a) you don't expect it and b) because they are the closest and know the most and can most easily do it. So when this or that doesn't turn out like you thought and it ruins all your plans, get over it and move on because that is what living for the moment is all about. Take it in stride, and dare I say grow a fucking set.
Case one: Yes I broke up with S. Yes I did the whole Dune thing with you. Yes I said there could be an us. But I never said when. You assumed right away. You made an ass out of yourself and me. You took offense when I told you it wasn't now. Hey that's what you get for assuming. You are the fucking queen of being unsure about this person and that person and needing space and time to move on and all those freaking 'what-ifs' where you had to break up with one boyfriend to explore possibilities with another dude. Gawd you're worse than a freaking guy. So when I turn around and need time you throw a fit and get all upset. Great, thanks. I may hold myself above everyone else and say I am a god (but that is because I think everyone is a god), but I still have 'human' needs and desires and motives and passions and mistakes. Okay thanks for the credit on being Mr. Perfect, Mr. Always Right, but uhhhhh face reality, please. I thought I was the one who needs to be in a mental institution for living too much in a fantasy world.
Case two: I tell you like it is. I start being brutally honest because the world is brutally honest. I tell you that you're not gonna be able to talk to me every night. You throw a hissy fit. Well golly gosh darn. I'm sorry but the world doesn't stop turning for you. Yes I would drop anything and everything for anyone, but not when all it is is to talk about our days. The 'Hey how was your day?' "Fine. How was yours?" routine annoys the hell out of me. I don't care how important it is to talk in a long distance relationship, get over it. It's not like I was trying to avoid you. But oh wait, that is what you thought I was doing.
Case three: Every single time that I don't return a call or answer, I am ignoring you. I am sorry I have an outside life and may be busy. I am sorry that I don't always have my phone on my or on or my ringer on. I'm sorry I don't check every five seconds to see if Jessica Johansen has called me.
Case four (the most recent to be sure): I am told that I was supposed to have done something that I never said I would do. And that is where I was blamed for not caring.
The problem is that I do care. The problem is that you don't trust me, this proves it. The problem is that you assume too much. The problem is that you are too set in your ways to see things differently. The problem is that you take me for granted. That is why I locked you down. That is why I have 'changed.' That is why I have disproved every notion of myself that you believe in. You believe in it too strongly. Learn to expect and accept change. Learn to expect and accept the ways of the world. Learn to expect and accpet things to not be at all how you want them to be. Then, and only then, will you be able to start learning who I am once again.


For the rest of you, I'm sorry I had to do another long one that doesn't involve you. I just take it personally when someone accuses me of not caring. I take it personally that they have the balls to say that after so many years of friendship and giving everything and taking nothing. She'll say she didn't really believe it, but that she didn't understand. Well maybe she'll learn not to assume when she doesn't understand, maybe she'll learn to train her mind to ignore what it thinks up in the petty blindness of the light. I may make a shadow walker out of her yet.
But it's the weekend. So I'm gonna enjoy the time off from work. I'm gonna sleep well and I'm gonna stay up late and all that jazz. :-D <---- That's my I'm pumped face.

Mrs. Timid-Pants

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That is right. That is how peeved I am. That is how annoyed I am. So much that words escape me at the moment. I mean that isn't a rare thing, but it seldom happens and is often far apart.
I mean COME ON! Seriously. The only way you know how to communicate with me is through facebook? Oh wait that's right, you don't think I'd answer you if you IMed me. You don't know if I will get a message you leave me there. You'd rather be ignored on facebook than on aim because you know at least on facebook I'm bound to at least read it.
You were the one afraid of our friendship changing. Guess what, it has. And wait, it's your fault too. Wow, imagine that. Okay, yes I closed up. Yes I don't always want to talk. People still seem to get around that, but not you. You take personal offense. That gets me peeved, and you all in a huff. It doesn't end well. Simple solution? Stop. If you say hi, and I don't seem very open to a deep and thorough chat, well leave it at that and try another day. How hard is that?
Welcome to living with me. Welcome to who I am. Welcome to the moth. You always knew I'd grow up. You just didn't suspect how. I told you. I told you it would be big. You just took that to mean even more amazing. Sorry, no such luck. How about less amazing? I am a grouchy, annoying, jackass of a prick. Get used to it. See why I saved you the pain and anguish of dating me? If you couldn't get over not talking every night, well that was light stuff compared to how I really am. In person I may sound inviting and caring, but that is just my voice. How else do you think I engender trust so well, my drop dead gorgeous looks? My voice and tone is naturally inviting and comforting. Sorry I didn't see you. I was tired. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I missed everyone from Chester. I missed the freedom. I missed the activities. I missed the fun. More fun than I've ever experienced in my life. But it was all gone. I dreaded this house, because I remembered the first 19 years of my life, I remembered Xmas break. Things were supposed to change, I was supposed to get all this freedom and new rules, and it didn't happen. So even when my mom promises to let me visit people on the weekends this summer, I'm not holding my breath. She'll probably tell me to talk to my dad because of mileage and wear and tear on the car and he'll say no because he doesn't want me to go, and because of mileage and wear and tear on the car. Or my mom will say the weather is supposed to be bad, or that the car can't take the trip. I've heard all these excuses before. I'm starting to refuse to hope or dream while in this house because the only thing that happens is I get crushed. My hopes and dreams get dashed on the jagged rocks at the bottom of a large waterfall. My dad still doesn't approve of my college choice. My mom tries to be supportive but has to remain in the strict confines of my father and the cautious life she chooses to lead.
Okay so no I didn't see you. No I didn't feel like leaving the house. Even though I hate being inside it. I was depressed and not in the mood to be 'cheered' up. It wouldn't have worked. It may have looked like it, because I am good at faking it, good at putting on a smile even when I'm not really happy, but I really wouldn't have enjoyed myself. I was too far gone. I am too far gone.
I couldn't even bring myself to pack in a 'normal' fashion. Wanna know how I packed? I had 4 hours before I had to be out of my dorm room. I had yet to touch a single thing. I spent 2 and a half hours frantically trying to figure things out. I jammed things here or there without thinking. I haphazardly threw things in boxes and by the end there was hardly empty space on my floor because everything was so spread out. Chris was confined to his bed, where he sat and laughed at my stressed out pacing.
So when I got everything packed in the room, I breathed. But only once. Once in, once out. I wasn't done yet. I had to somehow get all this into my car. It seemed so much smaller when it was all in its neat little home in the room. Maybe if I had packed better, smarter it would have fit better. Hell if I had packed it into my car a bit less spastically maybe it would have been better. But I did not. I grabbed a yellow bin, loaded it up with whatever, and put it in the car. I knew where the fridge was gonna go, and where the boxes were gonna go, and the giant hamper I refused to pack up. But I forgot about the guitar, and the huge white box. I don't even know how I got the white box to school in the first place. How did I manage to move into college with all my belongs, everything I thought I needed in the trunk of my mom's car, which is smaller than mine by the way. I mean jeeze.
Okay that was a long digression. I had all that. 3 hours of packing. 30 minutes trying to find and RA, who were supposed to be around and available, to check me out. If I didn't leave soon I was gonna hit traffic in Worcester. As it were I didn't say goodbye to Shannon. Now what is worse, not saying goodbye to a friend you won't see 'til later this summer (if you can ply permission out of your parents because you know it is like pulling teeth for anyone other than you because only you live 5 minutes down the road, oh and you don't smoke, or drink, oh and you didn't take their son's virginity), or not stopping by and saying hi to someone you haven't seen in months. I think Shannon wins. It is more likely I will see you later this summer than her. A) You won't disappear and you will keep trying. B) You can swing by my house just as easily as I can swing by yours. C) You live five minutes down the road (have I mentioned that enough times yet?).
Now let's see. 2 hour drive. Oh right, you drive 5 hours, sorry. But wait, how many of your hours is bumper to bumper traffic? Last I checked you don't go through Worcester. Yes I said I tried to leave early enough to miss it, and in truth I did arrive just shy of the worst of it. However, I did lose 20-30 minutes in Worcester. Yet, this does not bring me to the biggest reason why I didn't want to leave home and see anyone, or do anything.
So before I left for college there was an invisible cage, and I was but a small weakling inside it. There were boundaries and I knew where they were. I would often move about inside this cage and yearn to be on the outside. Then I went to college. You used the metaphor of a caterpillar in a cocoon. Sure. I hatched. I became a different person, a person more true to my inner nature. I became who I was meant to be.
Now I am back home. The cage was extended a bit at the end of last summer. You remember that. However, now the boundaries are the same as then, but I am bigger. I am too big for the cage. It confines me but I have grown too big that it is stifling. I knew it was coming, so I was depressed. I wanted to leave even less. It's like leaving a family and knowing deep down that you won't see some of them again. Not everyone is returning. Things aren't going to be exactly the same. Times were so great that I want them to be that way forever. It was the perfect escape from reality, while at the same time being part of it. I loved it. I want it back. But no, the semester is over. I can't have it back. It is slowly becoming less and less tangible as it pervades my memories and seeps into oblivion. Soon all that will be left are vague images attached to random feelings. That is depressing enough. I mean come on.
So I had 5 days to relax, to settle in, to try and get used to a new bed in an old room. It's not my room, it's not my bed. I've had trouble sleeping. I've had trouble getting used to the household. I've had trouble not being able to walk down a hall and find someone to hang out with. There are crap for videogames, crap for entertainment, crap for people to hang out with. Don't get me started on that stupid 'non-existent, eh?' crap. You kidding me? Where are you? Thank you. Not five minutes down the road. Okay, so non-existent was a good word for it then? Yes it was. Thank you. Remember that part about taking personal offense for everything? Don't. The things I do aren't personal. For every inch of selflessness that I play up, I am ten times more selfish. Why do you think I push so hard? For every time I try not to hurt someone, someone gets hurt worse. That's how the world is. Happiness is a goblet that is being passed around, when someone is happy, someone else isn't. While trying to save someone, someone else gets hurt. It's how it works. I want to save everyone, but I can't do it all at once, that is impossible.
While saving you, I got hurt. While saving me, you got hurt. We're even. I have changed none. I grew up yes, I realized deeper parts of me yes, that alters what you know about me yes, but you are the one jeopardizing your own relationship with me.
Whatever. Honestly this up and down crap is starting to tire me out. It's beyond a headache every now and then when you whine and complain about hurting yourself and blaming it on me. Now it's tiring and draining. I waste more effort ranting about how pissed off all this makes me feel, than I put into anything else on here anymore. That is sad. I could have been doing something semi-productive.
Don't worry not your fault. You can't help but be concerned, I get it. But it seems that you are always doing it 'wrong.' I'm sure that is frustrating. But be consistent, be logical, and above all else don't take things personally, especially when they are going to get you more frustrated or upset because it is not worth it and it definitely wasn't meant as you took it. It produces you being timid for a few days, then timidly approaching me in your 'I swear I'm innocent and hurt,' way (which isn't always true by the way), and then in the end I rant on and on and on and on and on and on.


God I must sound like a broken record to the rest of you. Sorry. Although there are some other tidbits in there for you guys to savor on. And this wasn't a complete waste, because she'll be upset because I ranted here and not in a return facebook message. She hates it when I put private things on public display. Hahaha. Oh well. Just proves I am conscious of every action I take, even my negative ones. Woops, did I say that I make negative impacts on people's lives? Yes I did, because it has been known to happen. Only Maryann is perfect... ;-)

Stupid Me

So... ummmmmm... I guess I'm a little psychotic.
This is the line up:

Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (192 pgs)
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass - Lewis Carroll (239 pgs)
The Canterbury Tales (A Selection) - Geoffrey Chaucer (395 pgs)
The Last of the Mohicans - James Feniore Cooper (415 pgs)
The Black Rose - Thomas B. Costain (403 pgs)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey (340 pgs)
A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (352 pgs)
The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (1462 pgs)
The Power of Intention - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (256 pgs)
Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison (568 pgs)
The Neverending Story - Michael Ende (396 pgs)
Mythology - Edith Hamilton (315 pgs)
The Art of War - Niccoló Machiavelli (212 pgs)
The Prince - Niccoló Machiavelli (72 pgs)
Moby-Dick, or the Whale - Herman Melville (604 pgs)
Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (309 pgs)
The Things They Carried - Tim O'Brien (246 pgs)
Animal Farm - George Orwell (139 pgs)
The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck M.D. (311 pgs)
The Jungle - Upton Sinclair (422 pgs)
The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (501 pgs)
Uncle Tom's Cabin - Harriet Beecher Stowe (548 pgs)
Walden - Henry David Thoreau (265 pgs)
The Mysterious Stranger and Other Stories - Mark Twain (121 pgs)
The Color Purple - Alice Walker (251 pgs)
Treasury of Aesop's Fables (138 pgs)
The Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri (552 pgs)
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin (367 pgs)
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë (523 pgs)
Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë (401 pgs)
Plays of Anton Chekhov (274 pgs)
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe (355 pgs)
David Copperfield - Charles Dickens (803 pgs)
The Sound and the Fury - William Faulkner (339 pgs)
The Return of the Native - Thomas Hardy (418 pgs)
The Odyssey - Homer (502 pgs)
The Works of Victor Hugo (Les Miserables - 502 pgs & The Hunchback of Notre Dame - 424 pgs)
The Plays of Henrik Ibsen (403 pgs)
The Portrait of a Lady - Henry James (566 pgs)
Ulysses - James Joyce (750 pgs)
The Magic Mountain - Thomas Mann (712 pgs)
Selected Stories by Guy De Maupassant (364 pgs)
Paradise Lost - John Milton (338 pgs)
The Red and The Black - Stendhal (496 pgs)
Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift (337 pgs)
Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (678 pgs)
Fathers and Sons - Ivan Turgenev (247 pgs)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (410 pgs)
Candide - Voltaire (154 pgs)
Faust - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (415 pgs)
Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman (536 pgs)

That is my summer reading list. 50 books I want to read. 21338 pages total.
In other news I start work on Monday. 7 AM, bright and early. I work 'til 3:30 PM. Then I go for a run. Then I cook dinner. Then I relax and read. Then I go to bed. Then I do it again. The weekends will be relaxing and running and reading and visiting and buying. :sigh: I have a calendar and I am x-ing off the days. 13 weeks. 13 weeks and then I am free. 13 weeks and then I am back home. 13 weeks and then we start the school stuff all over again. I'm already giddy with glee. I'm already sweating with nerves. I can't wait.

Trapped

You know those stereotypical shots of mimes trying to escape from an invisible box. Yeah that is me. This place is a cage, it is a box, it is a trap. I used to feel comfortable here. I didn't care that I fell out of touch with people, I barely had friends as it was, I was used to occupying myself with the TV and movies and in some cases the Internet - but I don't really find the Internet very entertaining. So I'm back here. Back the same ol' same ol'. But I don't want to lose touch. I'm too big for this cage. It used to be that I knew where the boundaries were and there was enough room for me to get around and manage myself. However, now I am too big for the cage. The boundaries have grown yes, but they are still much too small for the individual I have grown into. The forms of entertainment this place offers is minimal. The people close by that I can see are non-existant. I am gonna travel a lot this summer, I promise to visit all you guys. Shannon, Bri, Jen, relatives. All of you. But still I am here and it is hell. I unpack and I get depressed. I try to organize but I get disheartened. I mean it's lovely to see my mom and brother and I guess my dad - as long as he is civil. I guess I just need to transition. I need to get back into the rhythm of this house. Maybe I'll get over the fact that I just don't want to be here... at all.

Looking forward...

I have a job.
The car is working.
I'll be making some good money.
I will be able to save the vast majority of it.
I will be able to get a new phone. *crosses fingers* With unlimited texting. *crosses fingers*
I can buy books and movies and cds and star trek. *cheers*
I can buy those cool rings I want.
I can get my Irish flag and more posters.
I can get curtains so Chris and I have some privacy.
I can look into a TV and DVD/VHS player. *looks dreamily*
I can look into a Wii. *drools*
Well whatever happens I will have money. Money is always good. I may be just talking up the big talk, but either way things look great.

What now!!!!!!!?!?????????

Is there anything else that could possibly make me feel worse about my life? No this isn't bad. No there is not need to worry. Yes I am stressed, just like everyone else. Yay proof that I am human. What a relief, no? I am fine. Yet, at the same time this time of year does wonders on my spirit and soul. And by wonders I mean destroys. And by destroys I mean obliterates. It only gets me down for a little while. So don't worry, I mean it. I'll be my chipper old self in lets say a week or two.

Dream

Again I had a strange dream. This one I have mixed feelings about. I have mixed feelings because it was a good strange, but also a bad strange, and also a creepy weird strange.

Heroes

masquerading as demons of night and day. Rising up within under veil of truce, white flag fluttering to the sounds of the dusk. Burning brightly into the silence of full darkness. A piercing noise floods the air, wailing at the highest pitch. A deep bass, the reason, the constant, the steady beat of the heart. Off set with the crying soprano of a fragile voice. That voice speaks in tongues, casting its spell. The speaker weaves the words, the sounds, into a powerful dance. Entranced under the pale blue light of a full moon snaking its light through the hazy canopy.

Isn't life abstract? Isn't it so complicated and full of suffocating words that you can't comprehend it all? I am drowned.

I have a dream

Well actually I had a dream. So to top off that *points downward* I went to bed sorta early cuz I was tired. Well let me tell you, that was probably the best decision of my life. haha. I slept swimmingly. Literally. lol. My dream was fabulous, I am awake and I want nothing more than to go back to it. But I am so well rested that I don't think I could go back to sleep. Ahhhhhh. Oh what a dream, Oh what a night. I think it is still too fresh, too perfect, too palpable to share the details on here. But let's just say it was the perfect ending to a busy, but refreshing, weekend.

For Shannon

Yesterday was the recognition dinner. I felt unworthy of being there. I don't do anything special, as seen by my short list of accomplishments towards the community. Rec games. That's it. But others do SGA and Circle K and all this other stuff, vastly earning their reputation and college education. They deserve their loans and scholarships. Me, I'm lazy and undisciplined. I don't deserve jack diddly. Maybe next semester I'll smarten up.
I played a lot of magic and got to chill with Ryan. Twas cool. I haven't done it in a while and we agreed and got along well. He won the beta fish from the dinner and promptly gave it to me. I named it Sammy. I don't know the gender so I picked an ambiguous name. Sammy will live a long time I hope. I've never owned a fish, but I've done some research and I think I have the basics down.
Ry and I also played some soccer at midnight last night. Yeah, I don't recommend it. Eye to foot coordination is necessary to play the game. He did well, but I think that was because the light was behind him. We also watched Sunshine. Interesting movie. Too complicated for me to get in one sitting, I'll have to watch it again at some point.
My mom wasn't that much of a nuisance. She went to bed before Ry and I went to play soccer. We came back and I told him he should get some rest, he didn't argue. And I went and watched some TV and played on my computer. When I came back I went to bed. My mom on my bed, my brother all comfy on the air mattress and sleeping bag. So what did I get? A sleeping bag and the floor. I didn't want to wake either of them, although I probably did anyway.
Oh well, they let me sleep in. Choosing to quietly read and play video games until I decided to wake up at 10:30. It seemed just like the beach house in July. Although less spacious, missing my father, no summer smells, and not as warm. I think I may skip that trip again this year. The beach really isn't my place, and especially not with my parents. I think I'm getting too old for it, lol. Wow. That is a horrible thing to say.
Lets see. Then we went to breakfast. Then they left. Then I played WoW. Then I got a phone call. Then I got off WoW. Then I fell asleep. Then I got off the phone. Then I couldn't sleep anymore (I was quite upset about that too). Then I got a visitor and showed off Sammy. And then the rest of the night was pretty much spent in the TV room. I watched some TV, played some flash games, talked to some people, played some trivia, watched some 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?'







And it is not enough. Not good enough. Emotionless. Powerless. Non-competent being. That is what I am. There was nothing. Has been nothing for a long time. Well... until she passed me in the hall. Said a few words, used 'captain, oh my captain.' Never have those words hit me so hard. I am finally an 'athlete.' I am a leader. I am a coaching leader. Bad... no good... no bad... neither... shades of grey... shades of grey... shades of grey... 250... maybe 215... nah i think its closer to 203... yeah thats it... 203... 203... 203... but not the way the words make me feel... that is definitely 0 or 1 or maybe even 2... but I'm positive it is 0. So beautiful. So precious. And yet the same old same old. I'm going to get myself hurt. Again. I'm gonna hurt others again. Why the fcuk can I not cntrool msylef? Am I dsteenid to esixt tihs way frevoer? I tinhk so. Aawyls flialng for the pretty ones. Haha... pretty is a beautiful word for it. An accurate word to me. But baffling to you, my reader.

Well be happy you got this much. Shannon's request opened up more than I would normally have shared. And maybe through this you'll understand. Just maybe. Maybe you guys will no longer be deer in headlights. Maybe I will no longer be numb... nah that won't ever happen...

le sigh

tonight was a good night... today a good day... but will i think so in the morning when i arise from a fitful sleep? will i think so upon reflection and hindsight and thought and cares? will it matter? does it matter?

would ya look at that

that's pretty good... when and where and why did i write it lol... i can't even remember the emotions i was feeling... all i see are the words and what they mean in the clever order i have put them in... could this be how you guys on the outside feel?... nah... that is much much worse... haha

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hmmmm...

it seems you have me at a disadvantage...
it seems you have caught me unawares...
it seems you have not been honest...
it seems you have gotten the best of me... yet again...

and on the 7th day God was tired so he took the day and rested his weariness away. and on the 8th day God realized that mankind, above all other animals, would exhibit free will and emotion beyond the primal instincts set down in their basic genetic code. and so with this God tortured his little guinea pigs with the constant battles they set for themselves.

to be, or not to be, let's just wipe it all away and start fresh. let it be here and now that we leave this world behind and finally become what God destined us to be. instead of pessimism or optimism or any -ism, let us strive for being. forsake every strand of society to rebuild from the ground up.

Sequel

I'd rather spend my time in useless misery, collecting dust on the shelf, than be called upon in this manner... at least two people have got the right idea... i hope...

>:-O

God freaking dammit people its SPRING. WTF is wrong with the world.

this is all wrong

seriously it is...

You know what kicks ass...

Invader Zim kicks ass... really its all Gir, but the show in itself is pretty badass...
Juno also came out yesterday... I might buy that....

Note to self...

addition to dream home... some manner of recording my thoughts while in the shower... oh how much that would help me. i should invest in a waterproof recording device. genius.

not a good idea

that movie had some deep and profound effect.
hence why i seldom watch it.
i got so wrapped up in amazing hot chick nude that i forgot about all the other stuff...
i thought love was supposed to be happy.
oh well.
yet another one of my... lol... almost did it again... im so used to spilling everything here... and now i can't.
its odd, the death of one era and from the ashes the birth of a new one. its gonna be oh so much fun for you guys. still trying to get into my head. good luck.
yes shannon i may still wear my personality on my sleeve, but you'll have to figure out which one it is.
yes jess you do/did know a lot, but you are merely testing the walls of this new cage i have trapped you under, soon the realization of how little you know will come to bear. doubt will fill your mind and with it i will have succeeded.
who is emmet? haha no one knows because he is his own best kept secret. knowing the past does not help you any longer. the past has become the present. and no one is finding out the present. and if you can't put two and two together, then you don't have four. and if you don't have four then you don't even have half of what is required to begin to broach the depth of maze i have locked myself in...

ESotSM

that's a good movie. reminded me a lot about... nvm we wont go there. have to remember not to open up anymore...
don't wanna get hurt again... sink too close...

"So you guys are astronauts... on a Star Trek?"

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...
I am like a twelve year old girl who gets to see Justin Timberlake live in concert.
I am like peeing my pants for star trek, and it is still a lil under a year until it comes out.
I am over the casting mistakes. In my opinion, even if the story line goes back in time, all the original cast needs to be there from the start. Not just Leonard Nemoy. However, Spock does rock socks. And there are a couple cool castings, as in I can see these actors doing an okay job based on the types of roles they have previously played. But still. Nothing beats Shatner, Nemoy, Doohan, Kelly, Takei, Nicholes, etc... They are star trek, they are the originals.
I hope this movie ushers in a new era of star trek. Let's not stop with XI folks, keep them coming. They should do movies about Voyager?! Although by that time not many people were in to the series, and the series wasn't that good. God DS9 sucked, so anything that had to follow DS9 isn't going to get a good rep. DS9 was like a giant soap opera in space. *puke* Oh well. Voyager isn't that bad. Enterprise was cool and I think it went before its time. 4 seasons was too brief. So I spent an hour last night on the official star trek website (yeah I'm a nerd), and working on a new background for my computer. Haha, I love Photoshop sometimes.
Star Trek: the Orginal Series (3 Seasons)
Star Trek: TNG (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: DS9 (7 Seasons)
Star Trek: Voyager (7 Seasons)
Enterprise (4 Seasons)
Yeah all those ^^ I am buying. I have all the movies, now time to work on all the TV DVDs. My mom is going to love this.



PS I had an amazing thought occur to me last night. I think I am going to write a dissertation on why Star Trek is amazing. I can't believe how many people poo poo it aside. :P (No I'm not going to force you to watch it, but I will ask why you prefer not to watch it - and what you do prefer to watch instead - so that I can argue that despite that Star Trek is a series of literary merit, which deserves the attention of any who aspire to learn and grow through mediums of literary merit.)

i was doing so well...

it's been a long time since i cried myself to sleep last...
but tonight looks chipper... maybe i wont sleep... just cry... idk... we'll see...

i guess

i need to get something off my chest... but she never says what she needs to in order for me to say it...
almost like she doesn't care to know...
should i just say it? type it out and get it over with? give her all the real reasons, all the reasons that will hurt more, but make more sense?

well folks... here's a toast to falling...

Your drug

is a heart breaker,
but my love is a life taker...

I wish it wasn't so... but it is.

Wind whistling through the thickets of old oaks under the deep blue radiance of a full moon has knocked my balance askew. I have slipped, fallen, and cut myself on the thorny defenses of these succulent plants. Nourished by pale moonlight, seeking the sullen shade of the oak, while reaching for that starry sky.

Oh what a night.
Oh what a life.
Oh what a hellish fiend I've become.
I am undone.
Flayed alive by instinct, by desire.

It's shear beauty is overwhelming... overwhelmingly simple...

Life is for the simpleton and life is hell... no wonder they have all gone... leaving me in this ghost town of reason...

not the response i was looking for...

but in other news
my grandfather had successful surgery today.
got out in 7 hours
should be in the hospital all day tomorrow
then goes home friday...

Things

They look up.

Taking her hand. Remembering that feeling; inspired anew. This wonderous feeling I have not felt in so long. It returns again. Desire, passion, romance. All intertwined in one, glorious body. Captivated by the glowing aura of her presence.
She is mine, and I hers. Satisfaction comes from that. I will not illusion myself into falsehoods, for it is too early to tell, but five minutes into this new relationship, and I already feel eternity pressing its weight down on me. Eternity would be nice. Maybe after a while "us" could become "eternity." Eternally one, as in the wholesome feeling now coursing through my veins.
Oh how I missed this feeling. I do not want it ever to vanish again. I will take flight with it if it be a fleeting thing, if it be akin to happiness. I refuse to share it, it is mine and it alone can consume and console me.

Life can be so fucking funny sometimes...

it's so hilarious when you can be having a pretty damn good weekend and it all changes in on 48 minute phone call.
when you're sitting there and your stomach drops again and you feel tears welling inside.
when it is compounded by more dire news.
WTF
:sigh:
i need star trek... time for a long kirk and picard marathon... somehow when those two make with saving the universe everything that is wrong becomes petty and ignorable... *holds up glass in toast* here's to drowning one's sorrow in cherry coke and womanizing space cowboys...

What does she see in me?

What do I see in myself?

I see different things at different times. It's nice to see what others think about you, even in a public atmosphere. Just imagine had we actually been dating... :- /. Yeah that woulda been cool. Or different. Maybe she wouldn't have forgotten our song...

The second side of the coin...

And then it falls on passion's killing floor that everything is okay. All is abated. Happiness swells. What you expect to find is there. What do you expect to find? A swelling of the heart as it tries to burst through your chest, a hollow pit in your gut, burning in your ears, mind a racing? Could you control such emotions, dancing with nervous jitters? Ha. Been there, done that. Still I would choose the evil. Because the happiest moments came from the total opposite. And still I find myself overwhelmed with jealousy, joyous jealousy. When one is happy, the next closest person is upset. It is how life goes, trading a finite amount of joy from one person to the next. Sharing it equally among friends and family.

... Hybrid Rainbows & Imperfect Times

Of all the things I've said and done, I have nothing left. I am undone, flayed alive, burned at the stake. My words sink in, fresh wounds to scar my permanently. They are markers of time, of things said, of things meant, of harm done, of good rendered. Always seeking redemption for past sins. Past lives catching up with me. A good heart, always after the wrong things. Entering into agreements only to be stricken down. I strike myself down. No not a martyr, not a suicide, not death. Resurrection in...

Ba dum chhhhh

So I'm done being miserable... but that's just leaving me more miserable. So the facade must go up and I must hide behind a fake smile once again. Yay. So much of me wants to just hole up inside a dark hole and not come out... not for the reasons you are thinking... for other reasons... but I can't. I can't just ignore you people, you guys are too amazing... so idk what I'm gonna do.

And so it goes... Que Sera Sera

He has cancer and I can't just ignore it anymore. I can't shrug it off and make it be a normal thing. I can't disillusion myself to the fact that it can't happen to me, to my family. Now it has. Now it is real. Now I hate it with even more fiery passion. Now I believe even less in God. If no amount of prayers helped me before, then why would they help me now? So what is it that I believe then? Is he doomed to die from this awful disease, because we all know I lack faith in modern medicine as well. He has had a good long life, but is it worth prolonging for just a little more time? I want him to be a great-grandfather. I want him to see my kids some day. I want him to be taken by a peaceful sleep of age, not a festering virus that will consume not only his body but all the resources our family can scrounge together. Does this mean I am so naive when I talk about not finding care for my own life in such a situation? How can I say those things, then react this way? All I can justify it with is that everyone else is more important than me. But is that in itself a facade too? This is stupid...

PS

I didn't post a creative arts selection for last week. :(
And this week's one is due... today. So... ummmmmm... how bout this?

“Icarus”

I hope you are not abject to my feelings of foreboding as I fly ever closer to the sun of despair. Burning through my wings, melting my heart, I stumble over your fumbling footfalls. Fearing you will trip over my words, I stutter into my shelter. My comfort zone where I glide into oblivion, a place where only I can exist. That shadow, the darkness, the utter black pitch of nothing is home. I’d welcome you in, but I regret to inform you that I have not prepared for your arrival. The old saying goes that you will come when least expected. So here you are, not when expected, but not unwelcome. Let us just sit here, fighting against the event horizon, little guppies swimming up stream. We will never make it alone, but together the sun can not burn us both. I will reach into your safety and fill my empty. Euphoria, even in pain so extreme it bespeaks, threatens death. It whispers into the heart, into the soul. It teases so effortlessly, corrupting, enticing so perfectly we are helpless against its charms. So we follow. Leaving my place, leaving comfort, to fly close to the sun. It has tricked us. Now I must save you, for thy happiness is thine own. But it is like Odysseus returning home, finding his house plagued by suitors. I enter, a stranger to my own heart, strangers prodding it. Crimson clichés drizzle down their demeaning deceptions. They don’t even bother to hide anymore, just conquering. Alexander the Great moving in on the edge of the world. This is the edge of my world. Upside down and inverted, sitting on the magnifier. Here it is, a black and white. Worth a thousand words. Kept safe over centuries. Meaning scratched off from the rough hue of many fingers, all brushing up to get their copy. All I want to do is sit here, joined at your hip. But they told us to fly into the sun. So here I am saving you, making you last longer than I. Giving you the opportunity to grace the world with your beauty. Hidden behind a glass frame, admired by all. And mostly by me. In my memory you will stay. I have enough pictures. I melt them all beneath the sun, capturing them in memory, placing them next to yours. Finding peace here in my black hole sun.

It's been a while...

It's been a while... mostly because I actually want to post something intelligent, and partly because I want to be secretive for a while. I'm gonna start dealing w/ my shit on my own again. There are just too many people to trust, too many people interested, too many people who care... it spreads me so thin. I can't do that.

So updates:
I got a collective 5 hours of sleep over 3 days this past weekend. What a blast.
Work still sucks. But ranting about it helped. Thank you.
And finally, I have mixed emotions about life, we can just leave it at that.

There are flowers

afi seems to say it best right now.
guess chris is rubbing off on me.
the hair.
the cloths.
the music.
the attitude.
and still i find that i'm escaping somehow.
more than him.
different than him.
and still i float down this stream alone.
quiet pressing in on all sides.
there is only so much pressure a body can take.
i shut my eyes to wish it away.
but that remedy no longer works.

almost

i almost went a night w/o hanging all over her... holy crap... idk how it was possible... its getting better... but sometimes i still feel horrible about it... amen to being messed up...

they make me feel better...

holding them close... whether they are crying or just want to squeeze in my arms for a while... whether i can offer them my ear and support in the hopes that it makes them feel better... or that i am the first to know something...
thanks guys... it really makes me feel like i can do some good in the world...

...

So I can't text because I have come to the limits of pushing my dad on the subject.
So I have broken the barrier and started talking about furthering my independence from them.
We'll see what their input is. But if all goes well, by the end of the semester I should have a new phone with a new plan, which allows me to text all the time. Le sigh... the cost of doing business... society... what a fucking pain in the ass...

Little Moments...

well i guess i was wrong... fuckin' a. someone take off my head before i become a monster.

informational purposes only

i am attached like she is... but she isnt.
i see her like she is... but she isnt.
i get close like she is... but she isnt.
i notice her like she is... but she isnt.
i touch her like she is... but she isnt.
i think... and still she isnt... thoughts are just not enough.
and through it all i still care... because she isnt.

because i want her to be... but she isnt.
because patience is a virtue... so she still isnt.
because i can wait... so that some day she might.
because i am human... but friendship is stronger.

the form is a lil messed up cuz blogger sucks... but that's okay.

Another good night...

for writing of course. I started a new short story last night, I just wrote this brilliant poem tonight. I thought about sharing it here, but I don't think it's ready quite yet to be distributed. I think it needs to settle for a while first, digest. Then I'll think about it. Maybe it will come up here later, part of the weekly creative arts installment. But I just thought I'd mention that my writing has been picking up recently. I don't quite know why, but I'm not gonna complain.

Peanut Butter...

I took a rain check on the kiss. Polite of me, I know. Not really. I had permission, even though it was a joke. I understand that. Besides I don't want her feeling things too soon. It's not my time yet. I must still sit back and enjoy where I am at. I must appreciate what I have right now. Still there was no other thing I would have spent 3 hours doing. That was an amazing movie, with an amazing companion. It puts me in this wacky mood. Not a good one, in a fashion. It is a mood that I have oft felt. With her it was never consummated in the emotions that we felt for each other. It was never the right time to do anything more than kiss her or hold her tight. But that is all she ever needed or wanted. Still wants as far as I can tell. With her it was nothing but sweet loving. Not by the standards of the movie of course, but by a naive young lad, it was love. So again have I felt the throes of despair. For again can I not fully appreciate that which I have in my mind. It must remain in the mind. I feel that I now have the strength to do what I have been moaning about for the last three or four nights. That I can put away my differences and do what I want. I have a reason to keep on keeping on. Not that I didn't before mind you, but going 2 months without 'them' is hard. It's like being a nympho and not having sex. It's a delirious ride of pain and anguish and mixed feelings. That was me. I was a nympho without sex. And now I have had a delicious taste of that succulent drug once again. My old needle once again pumps it into my veins. It's mark left by pulsing blood and glorious veins. They burst through my skin, looking all the sexier in this ambient light. That single yellow light tilted away, lengthening the shadows. So many mental pictures. So many possibilities. I revel in these shadows. Ah how I love the darkness. And woe is me I see the light. I have my drugs again, no longer do I have to withstand these pains of withdrawals. By no means am I graced with the ability to shoot up often, for there is no consummation here, there is no possibility yet, just potential. However, just an infrequent moment like that which I experienced just a few short minutes ago, well that is all I need to survive. That is all I need to appreciate this adventure still, to endure it a while longer at least. I will endure it a while longer I guess. For these moments make all the pain go away. Their brief happiness, the fleeting reminder of its existence, is what makes the world go round. Right now my world is spinning quite fast, preparing me to fast once again. I'll wallow in self-pity and pain once again, but it will all be worth it when once again I can get to drink blood under a full moon.

"Noticed"

In my defense I would like to say that it was an accident. There is no way I could have known she was going to be there at that particular time. I was just messing around and then this had to happen. I mean come on she said she didn’t believe me.
Justice is cruel. Things just happen that way. They latch onto fallacies and half-truths, unaware that if they had patience then things would be better in the end. Instead the world aims for depreciation. And I am here to clean up the mess.
“I have to be here,” the sound is strange to me, even though it is mine.
“Why bother? One person can’t change the world,” a sonorous melody reached my ears this time.
“Why do you always sneak up on me?”
Scantly illuminated by starlight the ground lost its green sheen, instead appeared to be silver streaked blue. Funny how different things seem at different times of day.
“I can’t help it. Did I scare you?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
I rose from the dew laden ground, rubbing the cold moisture from my body. Tracing my usual path back to the city, I yearned for a companion. Someone to share this cruel world with. With the help of a partner things could be so much easier.
“You’re wrong. You’re better off with me,” the melody returned, echoing in my head.
“But. I can save more people when I don’t have to do it alone.”
“Others will just get in your way.”
“I guess you’re right.”
That voice was sweet nectar sometimes. It knew exactly how to solve my problems.
I make it back to my domicile before my alarm clock jumps to life. Warm in my room I settle under the blankets, ready to catch a few breaths of sleep.
“I hate that alarm. Why do you use such a droning sound?” the voice returned, muffled by my blaring alarm clock.
“To annoy the hell out of you. Now go back to sleep,” I reply nonchalantly. Six o’clock on the dot.
I felt the voice disappear, fade into sleep. Feeling my back straighten I knew the weight was gone. But as soon as one weight vanishes, another comes to take its place. As I dressed I felt my muscles complain, every movement was lethargic and took more effort than was worth.
But school was important; to me at least. I think.
Downstairs my dad was leafing through yesterday’s paper in his chair at the dining room table. A steaming mug of coffee was loosely gripped in his left hand. He was dressed for work, but I found it funny that he didn’t have to be in for another three hours and could walk the two miles to the office in not much more than thirty minutes.
“G’morning dad,” I said.
All I got in response was a grunt. Not like I ever got more than that. But it’s not about that.
“Did you leave any coffee?” I asked as I headed to the kitchen.
Before I got any sort of reply I noticed the empty pitcher in the sink and the empty can of coffee on the counter.
“You don’t need that stuff,” finally came my dad’s reply.
“That’s not what you said last year. You said that I don’t need the sleeping pills. I should just drink lots of caffeine,” I argued.
“Those pills were a drain on my income. And a waste,” he muttered.
“And coffee isn’t?” I responded.
“Some things are worse than others,” he said before taking a large gulp from his mug.
He is right.
I went to the fridge to find something else to help wake me up. Nothing. As usual. Oh well.
“Dad can I have five bucks for breakfast?” I asked, coming back into the dinning room to gather my things for school.
“No.”
That was simple enough. “Why not?” I feel like asking even though I know what the answer will be.
“Because I don’t want to give you any money.” Then as an after thought, “Shouldn’t you be heading off to school? I pay taxes to get you out of my hair. So run along.”
“I’m going I’m going.” It’s true, I am. There isn’t much to do anyway.
I think about last night, the cool hard pavement swiftly passing beneath my feet. Well it seemed like a normal night, possibly. I mean Cleo was there. Not much more to say than that. I’m glad he can get out and express himself in a harmless environment though.
Sometimes there isn’t any fighting those feelings you get. You know the ones deep inside your head. I don’t even realize they are there anymore. Cleo takes care of them. He sneaks up on me and lets loose his anger, disappears for a time, then comes back.
“Hey Sebastian,” blonde hair, blue eyed Susie came up to me with a jolly appearance. Frankly those pearly whites annoyed me a little sometimes. But she was my best friend, my only friend.
“Hi Susie,” I replied. There was an edge to my voice that I could not identify with. Cleo was probably having a restless sleep. Sometimes he would insert his hate into my daily activities. I dealt with the puzzled looks or the spiteful reactions. Maybe that’s why only Susie was my friend; she was always jolly and happy, nothing I said or did ever upset her.
“Did you sleep last night?” she asked innocently. She knew about what the insomnia, but not Cleo. No one did. He preferred it that way.
“A few minutes.”
“Oh.” Still that smile fought on. I detected some concern in her eyes, but by now she had to be used to it. I kept walking towards homeroom as she started to lag behind. She may have been heading to her locker, or just puzzled at how to continue the conversation. Sometimes it was like that. The conversation would drag, or we would be silent altogether.
Sometime later that day Susie approached me again.
“Hey,” she said. I had never gotten the shy vibe from her before, but this time she reeked of it.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I was just wondering—” she trailed off. She kept her head down when she wasn’t speaking and would not look me in the eye when she was.
“Wondering what?” I shut my locker and turned towards her fully. Again contempt welled up in my chest, but concern won out. Cleo was just jealous that I cared about Susie.
“I was wondering if you’d like to come to my house after school?” a sigh escaped her lips after she got it out.
I needed to get some homework done, but it felt wrong when I thought about saying no. How could I not? She was my best friend. “Sure,” I responded.
I didn’t think that smile could get any wider. “Will you walk home with me?” her eyes glowed. Well it seemed that way, but the light blue just got lost in the white reflection of the light in the ceiling. It was from having to look up at me. I am by no means tall, just an average five foot eight inches, but Susie wasn’t more than five one.
“Yeah. Of course. Shall I meet you at your locker?”
“Okay.”
I stared off after her as she almost glided down the hall to her next class. Her pink skirt flowed about her knees in rhythm with the fluid motion of her legs. Beautiful legs I must say. I couldn’t see much of them, she had stockings that came up just below her knee. Only a small glimpse of olive toned skin escaped in the movement of the skirt.
A couple “popular” girls walked by. I couldn’t make out what they said to Susie, but they snickered afterwards, along with several jocks nearby. I didn’t worry. Susie made some sort of polite reply and skipped on. I could hear her saying “Thank you” or something of the like, even though it wasn’t a compliment she had been given. She was so kind.
At the tolling of the final bell I hadn’t as much homework as I expected. Good thing too. I would have felt guilty if I couldn’t spend hours pouring over Calculus problems or Nuclear Physics equations. Taking time to study integrals and splitting atoms were Cleo and I’s favorite past time. He may get upset, but I would just let him out early or something.
I met Susie at her locker like we planned. That smile hadn’t faded at all and we started to walk to her house in silence. For some reason there wasn’t much to say. I stole glances at her as we walked, noticing her lithe form or the curve of her chin and neck. Sometimes she would look at me and smile, then when we both looked away I would catch the smile fade in my peripheral vision. It would still be there, but it lost some of its luster.
“You know what I just realized,” I said at last.
“What?” she replied.
“That I have no idea where you live.”
“Heehee. I know.”
“Where is your house?”
“You’ll see.”
I shrugged. A mystery. I like it.
“There it is,” she said at last. Nestled with a bunch of other plain, white shingled, run down houses was Susie’s. We walked up an uneven stone pathway and up to the front door.
It was open. Susie swung it inward, but remained standing out of the way so I could enter before her.
“Ladies first,” I politely replied to her sweeping hand gesture. She smiled in response and entered her house. I followed suit and stopped while she closed the door behind me. It was a nice home. Plush carpet, two floors, and well furnished; it was nothing like what the outside hinted at.
“You home Susie,” a deep voice called from one of the rooms of the house.
“Yes dad,” Susie replied.
The big man came out of what appeared to be the dinning room on the left. A remote in one hand and a half empty beer bottle in the other.
“Who’s this?” he asked.
“Sebastian. He’s a friend from school,” Susie said. I felt awkward with my messenger bag weighing down my left shoulder.
“Hi sir,” I said.
“Is that what you kids are calling it these days,” was his reply.
Susie grabbed my hand pulled me towards the stairs, “I’ll show you my room. Later dad.”
“Keep that door open Susie, you understand me,” he called to our backs.
“I will dad,” she replied. At the top of the stairs she dragged me to the left and into a small room. Pink walls, pink sheets, pink comforter, pink pillow case, pink everything. Girls and their pink. I have nothing against pink; just so much isn’t good for anyone’s eyes.
“This is my room.”
“It’s pink,” I state flatly.
“You don’t like it?”
“Do you like it?”
“Yes.”
“Then I like it. So why did you want me to come over? Help with homework?”
She didn’t reply right away, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.” I was puzzled to say the least.
“Why can’t you sleep?”
“I have insomnia.”
“Well then why aren’t you taking any medication?”
“My dad doesn’t want to pay for it.”
“I could help you sleep.”
“How?”
“I know some natural remedies.”
Truly intriguing. It would be nice to sleep again. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It wouldn’t be good for me. I should go.” I turn to leave, resolved, uncomfortable. Homework was important.
“Wait.”
It was too late. I was out the door.
Home alone again.
“It’s about time,” Cleo returned. He sounded upset. That was to be expected with how late I was.
After dinner I headed back up to the mountain. Clouds obscured the moon and its silver glow. However, I had been up there so many times that I could find my way on the darkest nights.
Maybe Susie is the one who could help me save people. There is so much to accomplish and so little time. Her kindness would be a great asset.
“Don’t kid yourself,” Cleo was skeptical.
“Why not? She is nice. You can’t deny that,” I replied.
Like me, she didn’t care about social status. Such things are below people like us. Society taints everything it touches. There is so much pain and sorrow. No one is solving a damn thing. All there are is perception after perception. Pointing the finger at someone else to edge out of the blame. Everyone is to blame.
“Even the innocent child that just popped out of its mother,” Cleo agreed.
“No. It’s innocent,” I argued. “You’re missing the point.”
“Who’s missing the point?” Susie’s voice rang out from behind me.
I didn’t turn around. I could feel anger well within me. Cleo didn’t like visitors when he was expressing himself. I was just a helpless bystander.
“Sebastian?” Susie persisted, coming to stand right behind me.
Cleo just lashed out like he was used to. He couldn’t help it. This was his time. She interrupted it. He dealt with her appropriately in his mind. Some things are worse than others. My dad was right.
I couldn’t do a thing. Cleo had complete control. I wouldn’t have harmed Susie. I liked Susie. She was my best friend, my only friend.

* * * * * *

So what do you think? I think it's a pretty weird story. I wrote it for my intro to fiction class last semester. It was the second story I wrote for that class. So it is actually thrown together over the course of two weeks. I liked it was it was coming out, but it still needs some editing. However, right now I don't really like it enough to edit it, so I'll put it up here.
Next week I'll put up another one. Enjoy.