Peanut Butter...

I took a rain check on the kiss. Polite of me, I know. Not really. I had permission, even though it was a joke. I understand that. Besides I don't want her feeling things too soon. It's not my time yet. I must still sit back and enjoy where I am at. I must appreciate what I have right now. Still there was no other thing I would have spent 3 hours doing. That was an amazing movie, with an amazing companion. It puts me in this wacky mood. Not a good one, in a fashion. It is a mood that I have oft felt. With her it was never consummated in the emotions that we felt for each other. It was never the right time to do anything more than kiss her or hold her tight. But that is all she ever needed or wanted. Still wants as far as I can tell. With her it was nothing but sweet loving. Not by the standards of the movie of course, but by a naive young lad, it was love. So again have I felt the throes of despair. For again can I not fully appreciate that which I have in my mind. It must remain in the mind. I feel that I now have the strength to do what I have been moaning about for the last three or four nights. That I can put away my differences and do what I want. I have a reason to keep on keeping on. Not that I didn't before mind you, but going 2 months without 'them' is hard. It's like being a nympho and not having sex. It's a delirious ride of pain and anguish and mixed feelings. That was me. I was a nympho without sex. And now I have had a delicious taste of that succulent drug once again. My old needle once again pumps it into my veins. It's mark left by pulsing blood and glorious veins. They burst through my skin, looking all the sexier in this ambient light. That single yellow light tilted away, lengthening the shadows. So many mental pictures. So many possibilities. I revel in these shadows. Ah how I love the darkness. And woe is me I see the light. I have my drugs again, no longer do I have to withstand these pains of withdrawals. By no means am I graced with the ability to shoot up often, for there is no consummation here, there is no possibility yet, just potential. However, just an infrequent moment like that which I experienced just a few short minutes ago, well that is all I need to survive. That is all I need to appreciate this adventure still, to endure it a while longer at least. I will endure it a while longer I guess. For these moments make all the pain go away. Their brief happiness, the fleeting reminder of its existence, is what makes the world go round. Right now my world is spinning quite fast, preparing me to fast once again. I'll wallow in self-pity and pain once again, but it will all be worth it when once again I can get to drink blood under a full moon.