I don't want to be alone...

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't even know what I am doing. Dying my hair, that is a conscious choice and it is a good one. Dressing in drag, that is a conscious choice and it won't be a big thing, but I'm just gonna rid myself of my inhibitions every once in a while. But this other thing. The "in-your-end-o" shit that I am pulling, is me getting too comfortable. It's not good, I can't get comfortable with a surrounding. There needs to be drama, there needs to be a necessity for me to be serious and stable. Otherwise I am like I am now, fucking off the walls and crazy. I am taking some of this too far. I know some people don't mind, but I need to stop before it gets out of control. I am out of control. Jeeze I'm fucking basically down her fucking pants for fucking christ's sake. She has a gf. What the fuck is wrong with me. I know her being a vulnerable virgin is very appetizing, but that's not me. And I'm sorry to her. Not to mention all these perverted jokes. She's right, I can't got freaking 5 minutes without making one. I'm not serious. I mean there is no need for me to be serious. Everyone is starting to get jolly again. There is no drama. There are no problems. Well I mean I am having my own. But I don't know how to feel about that. It's just driving me up a wall. I'll give her props for hanging on tooth and nail as I unconsciously push her away harder and harder, but some people need to learn to quit for a while. She just needs to quit while she's ahead. For some reason she has scared me off and I can't figure out why. It doesn't help that she is blowing it out of proportion and making me think about it. Bad idea. I don't solve problems right away. I need to think on them in my own time. And I don't want her to disappear cuz she'll do that and will be hurt. I don't want to hurt her, but idk I need to be able to solve whatever it is that she is finding unappealing about me in my own time. I can't sit down and say this and this is bothering me and needs to change or be worked on. It's so much more simple than that. But because it is simple it takes time and real thought. I can't devote real thought to much of anything these days. I have other things I need to do. I don't have a mindless job, I actually have to pay attention. I have classes. I have homework. Thinking time is minimal. And right now so many people are happy I don't want to think because that will just make me sad. And if I am sad, then they aren't happy. I can't do that. So I am going to be happy. I am not gonna think. But still I don't want to be alone. And I like her, and want to get to know her. She's pretty cool. So many people are, but still I don't want to be alone. For some reason over the past few days I am really missing the company of last semester. Not as much the person, but just a body. Preferably a body with emotional attachment. And cuz of that I've been doing some weird things and been over the top and I am sorry. God am I sorry. Stupid religion. Sorry for bringing it into this. Idk right now. She's gonna read this and I'm gonna hear from her. And since she is pretty much the only one who reads this regularly, which is a good and a bad thing, it's just gonna create problems. So while I'm ahead I am gonna go and leave this as all she wrote and let what trouble wants to come my way come my way. I'll deal with it. And in the end I will be happy because I won't let myself be any other way. I know it's a facade and it's wrong, but they don't need to see me upset. I'm upset over stupid itty bitty things. So J are ya happy. I put all the emotions of the last week down. They are unorganized. They are random. They are strung together in semi-coherence. How do you like that? Is that what you want? Well I can't do this. It's stupid. It's showing emotion. It is proving that stupid little petty things enter my brain. But you don't and shouldn't need me to say it for you to know it's there. You should trust that I can deal with this shit on my own. Because of that I am a stronger person. I will be there for you, just when you expect me to react in a way that I am not prepared for, makes me want to walk away. You have a sorta clingy attachment that leaves one uncomfortable and wanting to pry you off. Sorry for the cold hard truth, but there it is. You wanted everything and anything. So there it is. And you know in like 20 minutes when I come back to read this I may regret it because it isn't what I really mean, or how I really want to word it. But you want the raw shit. I hate the raw shit. I am a dreamer, a creater, an artist. I mold this raw shit and make it into what I really want to express. But that didn't seem to be good enough for you. And now you are getting burned because of it. I'm sorry, I can be an ass when I need to be. I can be selfish when I want to. It sucks I know. But its good that most can not be mad at me for long. And if you needed to convince yourself that you wanted to be with me, that all those lil distractions were nothing. Then I don't want a relationship. Your lil 'what if' game is a giant load of bull shit that I don't want to tolerate. So I'm saving myself trouble and not tolerating it. If you had other guys who peaked your interest in the slightest, then don't force yourself to ignore them and pin them down as something else. It forces the relationship and it forces you. I'm sorry you can't find anyone to hang out with when you go out, that is rather sad. Maybe if you had gone out a bit more freshman year you would know a bunch more people. Maybe not. Who knows. I don't know the type of people at Caz. All I know are the people here. And all I know are people who will come and force you to leave and not be anti-social, homework or no homework. I need you to understand that I live a different life here. There is a different atmosphere and it is not conducive to anything that needs constant or consistent attention. The butterfly has left the cocoon remember. I am not so much a different person, as much as I am out of my shell. I am free and flying and flapping my wings. You can't pin me down to time or place or anything. Sorry, that's just not how I work at all. If that is what you need, then a distance relationship will not work, as a matter of fact no relationship will work. I told you I realized some mistakes about last semester, like spending a lot of every waking minute with her. It doesn't work that way. I'm never doing it again. A) I missed out on hanging out with a whole bunch of people. B) I missed some awesome events and inside jokes. And C) Now that I know this, I'm not gonna let myself do it, or let anyone get that way about me. I am a free spirit and if you can't deal with being alone for a few days, then coming together in a awesome spurt, then sorry no dice. Even if I got a gf on campus, I would try to be as active as I could outside of hanging with her. I would keep the hanging all over and with each other to a bare minimum. If you can deal with being on the back burner, along with everything else, except whatever I am doing at the current second, then it could work. Relationships are about trust. Right now that is all they are for me. Trust. Yeah it's just like really close friends. But oh well, if that's not good enough for you, then speak up. The difference? It is in what you like so much about hearing my voice. That power I wield so effortlessly. Almost by accident even. Yeah that, that is what makes it different. Yeah you won't hear it all the time. Oh well. Those things don't define a relationship remember. So if they define yours then we are not at the right/ same page to date. Sorry for making you think you need to wait. I'll try to be more clear about some things, but you know I work in vague subtleties. So figure 'em out. Figure me out.