Third Time Might Be The Charm

So I guess I have to spell it out for you people.

The Biography of a Self-Proclaimed God: The True Story
By: Many-an-Historian


Part I: A Day In The Life of EMMET

PROLOGUE

This complete and thorough attempt to document and understand what it is to be a god, what it is to be a separate species of the human race, will be published for those who wish to more entirely understand the creature with which they associate themselves. This documentation will try to move from the deep dormant corners to the mask, which you are all most familiar.

PHASE I

Falling flat,
Trying to escape,
That which is inescapable:
Time.
Fleeting beats of a heart,
Cycles of heavenly bodies,
Splitting of atoms,
All adhere to a simple concept:
Time.
Rising with panting breath,
Lungs heaving, exasperated,
Not enough to go around:
Time.
Tired of running,
Heroic final stand, standing,
By choice to end a threat,
A primitive escape to it:
Time.
Catching up, threat becomes,
Simple reality, yet, a cold laugh,
Beckons it come on still:
Time.
Unable to hide any longer,
Knife ready, held steady,
Heart beat racing in fear,
Brain fighting against:
Time.
Blue ethereal tendrils,
Sprint on, forcing the hand,
Knife drops, falling, caught in:
Time.
Piercing the bluish dark,
Lit by waning moon and
Tendrils of time, gripping
His limp body also caught in:
Time.
Screams of a banshee,
Howls of a werewolf,
Desperation mingled in longing,
Making a rhythm of painful:
Joy.
Not dead, but born anew,
Embraced by its sensual being,
Knowledge learned,
Thirst sated,
By what is beyond:
Time.


PHASE II

So how many of you comprehended that? Not many I see. That is okay. I will make an effort to explain. As narrator of this document it is my duty to do this.

Some will know the story that PHASE I attempted to explain. For those who do not know:
Many a year ago, the exact date eludes even the best historians, at a time when the species known as EMMET was still a child, there came a point where the road before him forked. Befuddlement captured the mind of this child as a rift grew deep in his soul. His heart knew the road it wanted to take, while his mind remained indecisive. Unfortunately for this pre-teen, time was not on his side, with every passing second it was catching up to him, pressuring him into a corner.
Now let me take a moment to explain these two roads that lay before our unsung hero: On the left was the road to glory. Not glory in the sense that one would associate with the EMMET of today, but a glory more in tune with the social degradation around us. Yes, a path leading to the need to be socially accepted, to being cool, to being popular. That inward desire all who aren’t innately cool desire out of their schooling experience. The other path, again historians have trouble pinpointing where this road leads, seeing as EMMET never took this path. True he did not take the left path, but that is the path which his heart most desired him to take. Thank whatever gods you pray to that he did not take that path, that his mind was stronger than his heart. What is known about the second path is that it would not have led to greatness, but to an average life with an average person. All, I think, would agree that that would be a terrible fate for one such as EMMET. Now let us continue with the story at hand.
Inability to follow the path that his heart most desired, a deep curiosity for everything around him and a yearning to learn kept him rooted to the spot. Time caught up with him, he had to make his decision, and under the pressure he collapsed. With time just breadths away from over taking him, he chose to stand where he was for all eternity. He chose to take up arms against himself. There was just enough of a gap between himself and time to get the knife situated. Then, like with what undoes most villainous beings, he hesitated. That was all that was needed for time to wash over him and encase him. In that moment the utmost of cowardly act transcended this reality.
So now you know that he almost killed himself that fateful day. You know that he didn’t. But here is what is left of the story, what is EMMET today.
After many years trapped in PHASE I of his growth, he transcended this mortal plane to reach PHASE II of his growth. He chose to learn all that his parents could not teach him. Each moral attainment was another hatchet that he buried. Please come with me. Down this side road I would like to show you the Graveyard.
Before you, stretching for miles in every direction is a place of death and destruction. Careful where you step, stay to the slate path. This sand is white hot from the intense heat of the sun, which always burns over this horizon. All these unmarked mounds are evils, daemons, and even accomplishments of EMMET. Each signifying his ascension to the level of demi-god.
Now this term requires the briefest of explanations as well. He is not a demi-god, nor trying to attain the rank of god, in the sense of an immortal being using humans as play things. It is the only word with which one can describe his uniqueness and desires.
With that said let us continue. I am sure we will spot him somewhere around here, ah yes, there he is. Often I come here when I desire a word with him and oft do I find him sitting on this rock, staring off into the green pastures beyond. That is the plane where he is headed, the next step in his growth. After he buries this one last daemon. You see that half dug grave there, that is where it will lie for all eternity.
However he is having some unforeseen troubles with this daemon. He is realizing that with this daemon there are other options, so he must sit and wait.
What’s that? Oh why yes, what an excellent question, here let us move on and we will find out.


THE PAST

As our guest noticed EMMET looked different at the Graveyard. That is because we are in a plane where the representation of his mortal body reflects that of his immortal soul. The scars you saw on his back, which is a sad story I am afraid, one that nearly knocked me over in shock. It is for these reasons he is a demi-god, and will one day be a god.
When time over took him he found a new path. He created his own path where no one could follow. That is because it was not a land-based path. In his efforts to escape time he did not realize what would happen if he embraced it. When time overtook him, he finally was able to embrace it, thus was bestowed on him the gift of wings. The one on the left was angelic and of the purest black, the right one was demonic and also a leathery, velvet black color.
After several years of flying over several paths and watching as others struggled down them, EMMET clipped his own wings. The ravishing pain of such an act I cannot imagine. What person would give up the chance to fly? Well I had the opportunity to ask him.
His response you wonder. Well it is because he will be the last to fly away from this plane. He strives to uplift everyone else. He will be the last.
Commendable, cliché, call it what you will. He has sacrificed himself for the sake of friendship and love. He once told me that there is a lyric from a rather crude song that he likes to quote to himself. “Give me something good to die for, so that it’s beautiful to live.”
He has found something good to die for, and now that it is beautiful to live he is going to make the most of it.


THE FUTURE

What a beautiful segue that was. Thank you for the applause. This is a tough topic to address in regards to our star. He has foretold that he will not think of the future. It is the only thing that scares him.
“Fear is the mind killer,” another adage that he repeats to himself often. To avoid fear he does not dwell on that which he fears. For that reason this portion of the documentation is open for personal interpretation and historical speculation.
This historian would like to think that he will become a god, will destroy the harshest of daemons that grips his soul. Love. Yes, now some of you may be confused as to how such an emotion is a daemon, but in the hands of one as strong as he, it is a daemon. He recognizes how ruthless his heart is, how misguided it can be. Such a power is not for him to control, which is why he seeks to bury it deeper than any of his other daemons. The only problem is that he realizes that there are those who could tame such a beast. He has reluctantly offered them the chance to try.
In such a case it will be affording him the opportunity to become a god, and take with him those he cares about. None but him will every set foot into those green pastures, none but him will see the paradise he has so effortlessly created for himself. However, there is the chance that through his grace, through his ceaseless effort we can glimpse it for ourselves.


ANOTHER MYSTERY

Another mystery that has historians stumped is the self-motivation. Where do all the goals come from? Where do all the ideas? From where is the creativity born? The answers to these questions are buried deep in his mind. After years of trying to release them I think it is safe to say that the world will never know. Let us just be content to know such a great man, content to know that what he does is for the benefit of all humanity.


THE MAN BEHIND THE MASK

Now that you have seen the man behind the mask are there any questions? No, well I am sure I did not do that great of a job explaining things. If anyone has any questions down the road, you know how to reach me. Leave a comment, find me online somewhere, or shoot me an email at: kb1hnq@gmail.com. Thank you for reading this exclusive portion of: The Biography of a Self-Proclaimed God: The True Story.


I wrote that at some point towards the end of the summer.

I guess it didn't stick. I guess that I am a manipulative pompous jack ass fuck head. Well I'm sorry I'm a waste of breath and space. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between us. Who knows. Not I. And the way these last few weeks have gone I don't think I care to ever know. What's wrong? Suddenly just because I'm not on the phone with you to all hours anymore, that I don't speak in a soft whisper to you, that you can't flirt with me and still call me friend and have no repercussions that I am now an annoyance, or a bother, or a disappointment.

Well they say you reap what you sow. I think it's true enough. You know what you planted over the summer? Not the end to a friendship, I told you that would never happen. I still believe that. This isn't my fault, but yours. I was not being played like a fiddle, as some would have me believe, but I also wasn't guilty. I was caught up in normal human emotions and you sucked me in. You sucked me dry. Now everyone is leading you on. He is still going back and forth and confusing the shit out of you. You can't talk to me because "I don't want to hear it."

No, I'm not gonna rant about this. Why should I? I've done enough. I've left a simple reminder. That is all. I've tried so many times. I won't give up, but I'm not gonna do this. You want to think such grossly outlandish things about me? Fine. You are welcome to. If you are letting yourself fall into such fallacies, then so be it. You are walking to a place that I will not follow. Enjoy.

More

I filled out an application to Best Buy online after tonight's first post. I figured maybe being proactive will throw some good vibes my way.

Ugghh. Is it bad that when my parents chain me down like this I want to disappear, possibly forever?

:sigh:

G'night amigos.

Brand New

What is new?

Well nothing. Home? Yeah. Vacation? Yeah.

So what. What is home if I can't enjoy it? What is life at 19 if I can't do at least part of the things I want to do? You know, like see Shannon. That would be nice. I can understand worry and all that jazz, but this completely unreasonable.

Here's the low down. I want to visit Shannon this weekend. Granted there are terms and conditions, but that is not a problem. I am a reasonable guy, I respect the wishes of parents, even my own. However, that is not the crux of the story. Here's the interesting part: My mom is dragging her feet. Want to know why? Well I'll list the lame excuses for you: the car can't handle an hour and a half drive, the car has no gas, I have no money, I have no job, the weather might be nasty, there will be traffic... the list goes on. I just want to scream. I want to yell BULL SHIT at the top of my lungs. I try to reason. I understand the no money and job part. I'm working on the job, I know I don't have a lot of money and that I need it for school next semester. But I need gas to get the job. So where is that money coming from. Oh yeah my savings account. It will take less than a tank of gas to see Shannon this weekend. Am I going to be out every day this weekend trying to find a job? NO! a) It's a holiday weekend b) I'm doing it tomorrow c) Why go out every day and waste gas and time? d) I will be able to hit all the places that could possibly hire me tomorrow. There aren't that many. And I am not willing to go too far from home because that starts eating up gas, and remember I need money for college. So what do I say? WTF!

The rest of those excuses are unfounded. How can anyone know what the car can take when I haven't been allowed to drive it more than 30 minutes from home? How can I know if it will handle possibly coming to college with me next semester so I can get a job if I don't use it now when I am closer to home? As for the weather, it's WINTER in NEW ENGLAND, of course the weather is going to be nasty. But just to humor her let's check the weather for the weekend. All I see is a 30% chance of RAIN on Sunday. Rain. No snow, no ice, no mix. It is supposed to be close to 50 degrees. Traffic, well there will always be traffic. And no it does not make the drive any less safe. There are idiots all over the road, I am just as likely to get screwed going down a back street (which by the way is what all the roads in my town are) as I am in traffic. What she doesn't think I can sit and deal with traffic? She doesn't think I can navigate through Providence?

While I'm here I'm gonna rant some more. You know what I am sick and fucking tired of? Being underestimated. I am underestimated by everyone. Now some of it is my own doing. Yeah I play up the weakling, but that is for when I do get into a fight it will be to my advantage. Plus they will never suspect my ruthless nature. But that is besides the point. My mom underestimates me. No this is not worry, which is totally allowed since she's my mom, this is unfounded aggravating bull. I don't mind her telling me to be careful whenever I leave the driveway. I'm glad she cares. But it gets aggravating when I can't go anywhere or do anything because she doesn't think I am capable. She won't let me do it because I've never been in that situation before. How the hell will I get the experience of being in that situation if I am not put into it, or allowed to be put into it. I can't keep going on like this. I am 19. Only I know how much of life I have missed out on because of my parents. No I am not talking about drugs and alcohol and sex. No I don't miss avoiding those in my mid-teen years. Never will I regret the day I finally finished my first bottle of alcohol, or the day I first experienced sex. Those where great moments. They were done in safe environments and with much knowledge thanks to my parents.

No I am talking about the 9 o'clock bed time my senior year of high school so that I couldn't do anything with friends. I'm talking about not being able to do ANYTHING on the internet or computer at home. I'm talking about having my first sleepover at age 18, and no it wasn't even my sleepover. And guess what I had to freaking bend my mom's arm to let me go. She wouldn't even let me drive there. Not that I was complaining because she finally allowed me to go to the darn thing in the first place. Guess what? I HAD FUN!

I feel like so much of my teen years have been devoid of fun and opportunities. How am I to make mistakes and choices under the safe confines of my parent's roof? I couldn't. I was so restricted I couldn't experience jack shit and I couldn't learn or make mistakes. Now don't think I still didn't find a way to cause hell. But still.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I just to see Shannon, my girlfriend. You know? My mom says we can wait until we go back, that we can wait 5 weeks. Well maybe in a marriage people can. But from what I know and have heard and seen most relationships (even marriages) get tense with that sort of thing. I know my mom had to endure it since my dad was in the Navy, but that doesn't mean I am the same way. That doesn't mean my relationships are the same. Maybe she shouldn't assume that her beliefs and experiences are my own. But I'm not gonna complain about that because she is my mom and she is allowed to assume things, even when she is wrong. But she is not longer allowed to shelter me. That right was passed up when she let me go to college, and believe me at that point it was just a 3 days shy of a year overdue. Thanks for reading. I enjoy comments, but reading is just enough.

This Is For All You New People...

Everyone fights. No one quits.

I will not quit. Of course I won't, it's not in my nature. I've just been hearing all this stuff of late. All these people are leaving, or talking about how inadequate they feel. Honestly it's making part of me feel the same, but for the most part it's making me feel like I deserve to be here since I think all these people are full of crap. They just don't understand. It helps with my theory that a major problem with most individuals in society is that they give up way too fast. Now I understand that not everyone is right for CCNE. I mean come on. It's a VERY small school.
But still. Don't give up just because you feel uninspired and isolated. Get out more. I got a compliment last night in fact from an RA. He and I had talked over the summer when he friended me on facebook. I did my normal creepy number and snagged his AIM, so the next time he popped online I chatted with him. He and I chatted here or there, mostly when I had a question about this or that. It was getting close to the end of the summer and my nerves were starting to fray. I was excited about college, yes, but I was also worried that I wouldn't fit in. (Well I guess I shouldn't have worried about that, I fit in perfectly - or as perfectly as one can fit in.)
So anyway, my point is that my RA friend told me that I am not at all what he thought I would be like. He thought, based on our internet conversations, that I would be the reserved type. Instead he sees me out and about and participating in campus activities. Granted not as often as I would like, but there are a number of reasons for that and school work isn't the top one. He noticed how I seem to be an outgoing character, a lot of people did in fact. This is funny because I am not an outgoing person, I am really a HUGE introvert.
I just act outgoing in public as a defense mechanism. That and I am very empathic. Instead of allowing my energy to be sucked away by people I throw it onto them. I am over anxious and hyper. But I also read moods and feelings. I know when someone is down. I try to bring smiles to everyone's faces with my stupid antics.
So yeah. I will make 15 hundred bucks over xmas break and I will come back next semester. I will graduate from CCNE. I mean it. No one quits.

Wander Wondering

For anyone who reads this and keeps track of my facebook you may notice a cycle of status' that I have been going through, including, most recently, "wander wondering." Well I guess I should explain some of these. I've been depressed, probably a mix of stress, insomnia - causing a lack of sleep - , and the season. We all get a bit depressed during the winter, it's unavoidable. Plus the semester is almost over. So you guys know the stress and sleepless nights that that entails. But on top of that it is the fact that I really don't want to go home for 5 weeks. It means I have to yet again rejoin the world. I have to work my ass off in order to come up with the money to come back next semester.
I don't know. On a positive note... well that is for me.

Good Talks and No News

Ugggh. Finals. Stress. Sleepless nights. I guess staying up to all hours of the morning this past weekend wasn't such a good idea. Now I'm behind on sleep, sorta. Well all this adds up to one thing: me not being able to control my depression as I usually do. Everyone gets depressed in some manner during the winter, me included. I just don't show it. Well some of you know about it. But I refuse to talk about it. I refuse to talk about it because it is stupid and doesn't matter. I refuse to talk about it because there is only one person I want to talk about it with. And I talked with her. So it's all good.
No news for those others whom I neglected to talk to. Or shall I say that I did not want to talk to anyone. Seriously. Who knows me better than me? No one. Thank you. Who knows what I am going through? Me and one other person. Sorry amigos on campus, but I don't think that any words you could offer would help. Or you would tell me exactly what I already know, which wouldn't make me do anything any faster, or solve the problem. I know just talking may help, having someone to listen, but I don't want you to listen. I don't think that you would listen with both ears, just one. That hurts. But I'm a realist.
Even you, my best friend. I'm tired of bickering because you still like me and what I talk about hurts you. I know that since I came clean over break things are different for you, but I know you're fooling yourself a little bit here. What I say will still bother you because you have not experienced what you need to for it not to bother you.
Yes you still know me. Yes your "bud" is still here. He never left. But I went to college. You knew what would happen. You said it all freaking summer. I blossomed. Guess what was part of that blossoming. Realizing that some of my views on life and stuff in general were hypocritical at the least. That even though I helped you through this summer, parts of what I said I shouldn't have said because I had no idea. So here I am, actually with an idea now, with some knowledge, and you criticize me. Guess that's what I deserve. And you deserve to know that.
Now, finally: I am okay. Enjoy life.