Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

I guess it is funny how much a simple song can say about something. Our society has always based so much power and meaning in song lyrics. Many of the lyrics take root in our souls and in our minds and in our hearts. Those lyrics are carried with us forever. However, there are also those lyrics which we stumble upon in daily life, those songs that we never looked at twice, but suddenly mean something because of what has happened to us. The random occurrences of everyday life influence our taste in music, and which songs/bands we like at particular times. This must be true with everything, we search and hold onto deep meaning in so much. It's not just the Buddhists who believe in Karma. They put a name to it, they personify it in human interaction. But taking hold of something, finding a song that lifts you up or expands a single noun into lines of poetic rhythm. Not only that but lyrics, weather, attitude, reception, everything can be the entire basis for how a day can be shaped emotionally. Most importantly is perception. The way things are perceived by others. When someone stands up and gets in the way. When something occurs that seems to throw off the balance of the world. These things happen regularly, but do people have the power to handle them. Would it be fair to say that someone who gets depressed by the state of the climate around them is weaker minded than someone who is raped and can no longer face anyone, especially not men? Do they fall under different classifications, or are they the same? Does a chemical imbalance justify it or is the whole issue unquantifiable? I'm not really sure. Just like most things I just want people to try and cope. I want people to embrace their 'issues' and try to work past them. I guess that I've been misconstrued and abusive with my ideas and ideals. I never meant to harm anyone, and I think you all know that. I think part of the blessing/curse of people being incapable of staying mad at me for long is that you all know that I don't have any malicious intent with anything I say or do. I'm just trying to help you guys understand, but maybe instead of giving you the literary deep provocative version of me I should just hand over the spark notes version. This may make me sound like I am mincing words or being a hypocrite, but I am okay with that because all people are hypocrites. I try my hardest not to be, but I will not worry myself to death by trying to attain a level of perfection that is impossible in society.
To J: I received your invitation. I am sorry your letter felt the need to say what it did. I think some of the things you said didn't need to be said. I know that I am always invited. I got that memo, a long time ago. I'm glad it's still open. I'm sorry that I won't be able to attend your party because of too many responsibilities here on campus and not enough gas and no job-yet. As for your letter, well in all honesty that kinda just pissed me off. Yes, you are doing exactly what I am 'telling' you to do. Based on the way I am acting, the words I am saying you are doing what a person in 'normal' society should do. Yet, since when am I a functioning individual in society? Honestly, the fact that I need to explain to you that you are choosing the wrong wishes to respect, or respecting them in the wrong way. I never said leave me alone. I never said disappear. I said give me time. I said give me space. I don't understand how that can be so drastically misinterpreted. I stopped pushing you away to test you a while ago. I came clean over the spring. Since then it has been friendship, but a friendship that you keep trying to turn into something else. Yes you let me close, and I backed away. I backed away to keep this a friendship and nothing more, but you keep wanting to put me back against your heart. It's not that I don't want to be there, but all I am interested in is friendship. I'm not acting like I still care because I do still care. But the problem is J you think that the way I care for you is special. It is only significant and unique in the fact that you are an individual, a person who should be treated as such. I treat everyone the same in that I care for them and listen to them and genuinely want them to feel amazing. That is something you fell in love with I am guessing. I am sorry that it is a love I can't return. Hell I don't even know what love is, how can I return it? I don't know what you want from me, but I haven't gone anywhere. I have changed, I am much less of a naive little boy. However, I am sure you could still find a friend in me if you needed it. I just think the biggest thing will be you accepting that your feelings for me may not be reciprocated.
To S: Some would say I have nothing to apologize for, parts of me even feel that I have nothing to apologize for. However, I will do so. Maybe I have stopped just saying 'Hi' for the hell of it.
I am sorry people don't appreciate me spreading things via the 'public' eye. Yes anyone can stumble upon this website, but honestly who would stay captivated by it? Who would see more than just another anonymous person whining all over the internet? If I stumbled upon a random person's blog that said nothing more than personal things that I was not more deeply privy to I wouldn't stay long. So here is where our problems manifest themselves. But I get my ideas out better on the page rather than in voice. Sure there are other places to do this, but this is what the blog is for. I am putting myself, what is bothering me, my ideas and my thoughts in a secure place. I just make it available for people to read. I can't see how some of the things that I've said here haven't made people feel closer to me. I've explained a lot here, said a lot, but somehow things get skipped over. People like to concentrate on the hurtful things, or get an idea in their head and misconstrue. Perception is a deadly thing and I am playing with it. I guess it is like playing with fire. The old adage says that: "if you play with fire you will get burned." I guess I just can't learn the part about getting burned. Or maybe I just don't care. It could also be that I am so selfish that in the end I will do what is best for me over what is best for other people. Who knows? I don't, most certainly I am still discovering the truest parts of myself in the deepest recesses of my own cavernous mind.
What I don't get is that if I am still on my journey, then how can people expect me to open up to them? I don't want to paint them a false portrait, I don't want to lead them in the wrong direction. So I just force them to hang back, force them to wait until I put something down concretely in my mind. My journey is for me to walk alone, that is why it is mine. There are other journeys which can be made with others and I fully embrace those. Just the deep one, the one that everyone so eagerly wants, is mine and mine alone.
I do put bits and pieces of that journey here, like I have said. And I think it is about time for another sliver of information. Maybe this puzzle piece will fit well together with the other outside pieces that I've established. I do believe that I've given you all the outline to who I am, just all the meaty middle pieces refuse to fit together.
So love. I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a better idea than I did even 8 months ago. Well I think I had a very good idea of what it is last fall, but that idea got lost in teenage adventure. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of things that S taught me about the world and myself and people in general, but they didn't necessarily fit into my previously referenced idea of love. They taught me about sexuality and where I fit into it. Which as a part of love is very important. It is a piece of love that I now understand better and appreciate more. It is a new factor into what love is. However, I am not here to discuss my sexuality as it pertains to love, but the less physical aspects of love. The emotional and intellectual aspects of love, those aspects of love that I hold in higher esteem.
Like for instance: what is the emotion of love? Where does it stem from? What are its facets? I don't think love is what they tell you in the fairy tales. I'm not necessarily talking about the chivalric knight on a white stallion type of thing either. I'm talking about the need for someone. I don't think love is something that one can't live without. Like all those stories about a heart dying when a true love dies. Like all those stories where one can't live without the other. I am not saying that one can't miss the one they love. I think that a requirement of love is loving yourself. I think that in loving yourself you learn that you don't need to love another or need another to love you in order to survive. I am not saying that if K broke up with me that I wouldn't be upset and depressed and lost for a while, but in the end I know I would move on. I would reattain this level of thinking that I don't need a relationship to survive. I am not a co-dependent person. I rely on myself. I think love is about giving, but you can't give if you don't rely on yourself.
So would I say that I am in love? No. I still am not totally positive about that definition. Also I think that K and I have a lot to learn about each other yet. But I do know that I am falling faster and harder with each day. And that alone gives me cause to cheer that I may discover what love is yet. I think that the end of the road to love is a journey that two people share.

Doomsday Blog (aka "Nadie")

I sense that I don't really have the energy for this at this point. What is the point? 'Nadie.' What an appropriate word. Nothing in the English language can placate my bleeding cliche. Honestly, where could I go from here? There is no up, and going down is just a painful process.
Still I find cause to smile. Or do I? What does anyone know or understand? Where do I draw the line? I don't draw the line. There is no line to draw. The sands of time are whipped away by winds so fierce even a hurricane can't compete. This struggle that society throws in my face daily, I refuse to accept. Over and over and over again culture tries to strike me into provocation.
The natural progression of my life has come to a halt. An impasse.

Not This Day... This Day We...

So Reach the Beach. Yeah. I did it. I ran fourteen and a half miles. In three legs. With three hours of sleep, in a muggy, sweaty, uncomfortable, cramped van. At least an hour of that was done sitting up in the form of 10 minute cat naps here or there. I survived on peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, and protein bars. I didn't have the funds or means to accurately prepare (food wise) for the race. Next year I'll set aside money for the event, and come prepared with TONS of food and drink.
I learned that Jenn Monroe needs to make some of her homemade hummus and let me try it. We also had plenty of conversations about this and that, time really just flew by. What a miraculous 30 hours.
So where to go from here, right? Nope. Training for next year will commence immediately. Well as soon as I wind down for a few weeks. Give my body some time to rest. It deserves it.
I ran hard and fast (for my level of training) and want to go harder and faster next year. My legs hurt pretty much constantly when I move up and down stairs and sometimes when I walk. It is mostly my quads. Which is tightening up my hams. I know I have shin splints but I only feel that if I go downhill. Which I only have to worry about shit hill. But then again it is all good pain anyway, because my muscles can't let the lactic acid build up and ravish them. My body needs to keep moving and not tighten up. I don't want to lose any muscle mass, and very little of my fitness from this. I need to train for next year, and all the races in between.
My next race is going to be right after Thanksgiving. It is just a 5k, going back to my old XC roots. It will be so nostalgic running on that golf course. But in order to feel adequately prepared for that I need to put some more base miles underneath me and start some speed workouts and some thresholds. That means I need to find a track nearby.
This is going to be so much fun. Except I need someone to run with for most of this. Maybe J will be interested in training with me. Maybe he won't do the hard workouts, especially if he's not racing, but maybe he'll come and time me or help me keep motivated and on pace.
Yeah. Also I am the President of the RHC. We are now entering week 4 of school and I still don't have a job. However, I've become actively involved in almost every other facet of campus life. 6 classes, leadership organization, intermural sport, workshops, OL (this still applies believe me), and now what? I need a job. I have K and a social life. I love to lounge around and have fun. But I got so much hw to do too.
It is said that it is hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. I want to apologize if I forget that I am trying. I've never had this much on my plate. I'm usually the type that stands by and watches change, reaping the benefits, not the one trying to enduce it.

Innovative

I guess there isn't much to say. Things seem to come across the most when things are in such predicaments. I am in a relationship and suddenly feelings that were never expressed so strongly come out. Or maybe it was my choice of words the other day.
S you need someone who can give to you everything you need. D is a great guy. He is smart and funny and attractive and smokes. He is into similar things as you, he has been around for so long. However that might be the downfall, you are relying on that too much. He is rather self-absorbed at times, that is why you find it difficult to get things into his head. It's not as much of a problem except that you need lots of attention.
I know your feelings for me. However, I think it could be just as strong for a person who is like me in that they will give you whatever you want or need at anytime. There are a few of us out there, fighting up hill against the stereotypes of society. Just the wild whims of social pressure tend to blow us off course and make us more difficult to find. But nothing worth having ever comes easily. Don't settle. That is a very wise piece of advice that I got from C.
I'm not settling. I'm moving on. I know what we had. I know what we didn't. I know effort could have been put forth in some areas, but it just didn't happen that way. I do not regret any of my decisions. At the time they seemed right, and time has only reinforced that. You need someone with my virtues but none of my faults. You deserve someone with my virtues and none of my faults.
J... well all I have to say to you is that you've become too paranoid. If you really wanted in you wouldn't have taken 'back off' as an excuse. You would have adapted and continued. But you let me box you up and trap you in my world of games and deceit. Now you don't know what to say. You let it happen. I directed you away and you just fell in line. You struggled a bit, but gave up too easily. Submitted mentally too easily. Possibly another sign of our lack of compatibility. Dune was just the first step, and you just fell a bit short. Intuition and comprehension are two different beasts. Anyway... I digress.
K, I'm sorry I offended your religion. I can be an ignorant bastard sometimes. I try to be objective and neutral, but sometimes generalizations slip out. Dancing on eggshells is no fun. I like swinging my hips with you.
And T just talked out in his sleep. I want to document this. He said something about rubbing lamps.
But back to you K, we just need to do WORK instead of 'relax' all the time. That would help immensely. We can't change our beliefs or the obstacles in our way immediately. Until then, butterfly kisses and huggles. We just both can't afford to not do well this semester. So to beddy bye with me. Promise.

"Life The Universe and Everything"... 1 yr. later...

It seems its been quite a while since the last time I updated this. I am sure that not many people follow it anymore, at least not as religiously as they used to. But things have been said and done and complicated, and then I dropped off the blogger scene for a while. Honestly I can't really blame myself, things were getting too dramatic and I needed to take a step back. Life wasn't going my way, but now it's time to say a few things. Maybe the people who used to read this will find this someday and learn something.
I am in a relationship. That is right ladies and gentlemen I am no longer on the market, as the saying goes. I am taken and loving it and not interested in changing my mind anytime soon. Okay so I'm not married. Okay so it's only been, what, I don't know, something less than a week. Whatever, I don't care. A relationship is a relationship. This one is more intense than any other one I have ever been in. It's way beyond all those high school 'flings.' And it's something different than what S and I had.
Her name is K. She is a Pisces and while I don't know if that is good or bad yet, I don't care. She is amazing and that's all I am concerned with.
I have to apologize to J. I'm not sure if you are still under the illusion that there will ever be an us, but there won't. I don't know if you still believe that your little ultimatum is on, but it's not. It never was. Actually it turned me away more than it made me feel better. So much like a lot of things you have done since the end of last summer. I was truly and completely honest when I said what I said last Thanksgiving. And even though it was under the pretenses of being in a relationship with S, I was still honest and truthful. It was the same with Spring break too. I'm done. You've proven that you can't be my friend while I am in a relationship with another girl. That has made me skeptical as to whether you can be my friend while I am single. Yes the roles have reversed and how ironic is it that they have reversed so perfectly. It went from you not having any interest in little old naive me. To something semi-mutual. To me not having any interest in little old naive you. Yes you are the one shaking in your boots, while I am as solid as stone. The thing that you need to understand is that I don't treat you specially different than others, okay well that's a bad way to put it. However, there is no good way to put it. I treat you like an adult, an individual, a free thinking member of society. That's what makes me so different from everyone else, but that is how I treat everyone. Just because I am so kind and caring doesn't mean I'm interested in you, I had to learn that lesson the hard way, and it seems you do too. I tried to teach you how to be independent that summer, seemingly so long ago. I'm not so sure if my lessons were learned anymore. So I am 'distant' now to save you pain. I've made you go cold turkey so that things will be easier in the end. The sooner you can desensitize yourself to your feelings for me the sooner you can possibly have your 'bud' back. I know you like letting me know everything that's going on in your head, but being informed of how much you miss me when you drive through or near CT would be best served in your own head, not mine as well. This paranoid existence is how we must live in order for you to survive.
I have to apologize to S. I can't be there for you like you need me. I haven't been able to since January. It's just not who I am. It took four months, but I believe it would have been a lie after that if we had stayed together. It would also be a lie if we ever got back together. When I do something it is final, and while my intentions may not have been completely concise and clear and organized, my subconscious knew what it was doing. I also acknowledge that my methodology was a little immature. I take full responsibility for everything. Everything since that day. All the crying and pain. I know I caused it. I know I could stop it. I just need to be selfish. I lashed out, which was completely immoral of me, however I still needed to be selfish and it seemed that that was the only way that my subconscious knew how. I don't think anything positive will come from us being close. You have your world, I have mine. I have gained morals and barriers and responsibility. I will help you as best that I can, but my words will have to suffice. A hug or two maybe. I am not changing, I am just distancing myself. You just can't be close with someone like me. It's hard to let people in and let them see and understand. I defend myself too strongly. My walls shoot up too easily. I've already built up blockers and mechanisms against you tearing down my kingdom. That is just the way it works.

I just have so much on my plate. I came to this school content to never be overly active in campus life, and more than satisfied to talk with the one person from home I still cared about. I came to school with this underlying thought of sticking it to my parents by getting involved in drugs, alcohol, and loose sex. I just wanted to spite everything they taught me and all the morals they tried so hard to instill in me. I wanted to fight the power for a change. I wanted to be the stereotypical child to run rampant after being locked in a cage their whole life then set free. I guess my subconscious listened. I still haven't done drugs, I still refuse to smoke, even think I'm allergic on some level. I have tried a few types of alcohol, but refuse to drink but with one person. She's the only person I trust enough. I also lost my virginity, thereby hurting someone who I used to care a lot more about. So much has happened. So much did happen. And all that was in 3 months, one semester. One very long 13 week span as I entered collegiate life.
I mean it could've and probably would've been worse had I gone to a party school, but something happened here at Chester. Someone once said I had outgrown my cocoon and became a beautiful butterfly eager to spread my wings. I used to agree.
After that long semester I had time to think, time to settle, time to adjust myself to life. I grew. I took all that I had learned during the fall and grew up. I wasn't a butterfly yet, I was still in my cocoon, I was still naive. There was just so much to learn in such a short period. My brain needed time to soak it all in and analyze it. I realized that I wanted something intellectual from a significant other. I realized that I didn't want to distinguish between male and female when searching for that significant other. I even decided to stop searching all together. I felt that it was unnecessary. I didn't need someone else, and no one else needed me. Bachelorhood is an excellent existence. I still rather enjoy the idea of it sometimes. Things are a lot simpler, and not because I can be flirty and flashy with anyone, I am still that way. However, I figured that if the right person was going to come along they were gonna do while my back was turned. That is how the sayings went, and since nothing else was working, it was time to listen to the sayings.
I won't lie and say that it wasn't hard sometimes. I won't lie and say that I was happy all the time. I won't lie and say that the world saw my true emotions and feelings. I don't think anyone did. I kept everything important to myself, unwilling to share anything with anyone. I was tired of drama and accusations and blame. I was tired of burdening myself with all the woes of society.
I am done.
Now I spend all summer having to live in the real world, finding out that it isn't half bad. I don't prefer it, but it is tolerable to a point. I still have all my dreams and know that I will live them out, however in the mean time I can survive in this world. There is ample sustenance and pleasure in being lonely. I don't know exactly what it is, but I did not spend all summer wallowing in self-pity, or crying myself to sleep from depression. In fact I did the opposite. I hung out with people, laughing over good times. Okay by people I mean C. However it was fun. She is amazing, a true friend. She simplifies things rather than complicates them.
I got back to school and one of the first things someone said to me was that I had grown up. I thought I was an adult, how could I grow up? But it seems that I was just a young little freshman last year after all. Now I am starting an ultimate frisbee club, actively involved in workshopping, running for President of a leadership committee on campus. I have 6 classes and a girlfriend. I need a job. I just don't think I will have the down time necessary to get all my old 'stuff' done. And yet I can't help but feel, despite all the pulling and tangling, that I won't be bored this semester. Aside from the fact that my room is a complete and utter mess, still, I think that things will settle down soon.
Maybe my heart will stop racing at some point in all of this. I don't know. I'm thinking of K as I write this as well. I'm thinking how completely she blind sided me. I am thinking on whether or not I want to tell her story and make it real by putting it on the 'page' or keep it in my head, keep it all to myself. It's as nonchalantly uncanny as a dream or fairy tale, but more real than any pinch or pin prick. I am definitely awake, I have determined that, this good of a fantasy would have ended a long time ago.
I met her while being a good OL. I shook her hand, heard her name, and let it go. She is shy and withdrawn. I noticed that from the get go. I had my list of young freshman girls who caught my eye, the outgoing loud obnoxious type who were societially appealing to me. The ones who were exactly what any stereotypical male member of society would enjoy and be 'in to.' Of course it was a short list, because despite the fact that I was looking at them in every stereotypical way, I still have morals and preferences. Not to mention the fact that this is a small school, although out of the like 60 new freshman this semester like 10 are guys. Great odds, no?
So K was just someone who I wanted to become friends with, someone that would need to be broken out. Like not allowed to be reclusive. Not to mention she is a commuter, therefore she needs to be 'picked' on even more about coming to campus activities and getting involved in campus life. I, being an OL, felt that it was my job to try and do this. At least to the best of my abilities and her comfort level.
Now there is a story that goes with this. It is her story, but that story is for her to tell and for me to keep for myself. I hold it close to myself as I sleep. It allows me to shut my eyes and head off into dream land when she is not there for me to snuggle with and keep warm.
The rest of my story goes as follows: One night, at 9 o'clock because of the guest freeze, we leave the dorms. She had hinted at wanting to hang out in some fashion outside the dorms because she didn't want to go home quite yet. I was inclined to agree, again I wanted to get to know her, become a friend. God this is sounding so scarily perfect. Upon reflection I did everything 'right.' Everything by the book. I didn't go all out, all flirty and overbearing. I wanted to be her friend. What did I end up with? The strongest relationship I have ever felt.
So we went up to Dal. I figured we'd shoot some pool, talk a little. At first we were all alone, I was asking some questions, personal and philosophical, and she was answering. Then T and K came and kinda ruined the personal atmosphere. I mean K and I weren't rude, we shot a round with them. We were sociable and such. I mean come on I'm always sociable. Besides T is my roommie so there is no reason for me not to be all giddy and hyper and full of sexual inuendos around him.
But after that one round of pool K and I left. We went on a walk. We talked. There was just something. Some connection on an intellectual level. More than J and I ever had. Stronger than S and I ever had. It's just the truth.
That is what has been going on. That is how things are happening. Honestly there is nothing more I can cram into this thing. Nothing more I can say, on anything. I've poured onto this page vagueness and revelations in such towering proportions that you should all just enjoy it. No need to get bitter over the truth, no need to get pissy over the future. Just live one day at a time. No day but today. Trust those sayings, for some odd reason they are always right...