my shell...

where have you gone. i want you back. i just talked with anna, she came and visited chris and i just to chat and say hi. she's a cool ra. but yeah i did a lot of talking and bragging, well not so much bragging, but i did a lot of talking. it got a weight off my chest. just talking about silly ol' stuff that don't matter much. you know my past and stuff. a lil about who i am. complaining about my normal things. yes that's the bragging lame part. talking about how much my dad sucks and such. uggggh i go on and on and on. i need to staple my mouth shut. need to stop talking. ive forgotten how to listen. well i still listen. but i need to shut up. i need to stop. i need my shell back. i need to hide and not be seen. i need to sneak up on people. i need to vanish into the shadows and still be there. i need to stop being so open. i dont care if i wear my insecurities on my chest for all to read. i dont care if people can read me. i dont care what people think of me. (actually i really do, but not in the way most would imagine, and i try my damnedest not to care what people think because it is only my opinion that matters) i think that is why i am acting the way i am. i am finally embracing the whole idea that i am me and im gonna do what i want when i want to. im gonna be who i want to be. do the stuff that makes me happy. i guess that has really opened me up. so its a good thing? idk maybe its cuz im still uncomfortable with it. its hard to be a stranger to yourself sometimes because you've changed so much. jess used to talk about being in a cocoon all those years of high school, well if that was true then i have definitely hatched a moth. now i am flying and showing off and being me. i am a new me. i want the old me back sometimes. the old me wouldn't really do these things. well i did on occasion, but that was me getting really comfortable and then screwing up. if i let my guard down ill screw up. i dont want that. i cant let my guard down. its falling, crumbling, and i need to put it back up. idc what ppl see as long as i feel that i am in control, that i am still hiding things from people. it doesn't count that the way i act all day is partly a show to please others. it doesn't count that i write these blogs and let out a lot of emotions that i normally wouldn't be able to let out. i think i need to stop writing these for a while and do them in my head again. that is what i used to do. it served me well. it worked. if i go back to that will i return to the way i was? will i be quiet and shy and timid again? will people like that me? idk ne more. sometimes i go to bed telling myself to try it, and it never ends up working. two nights in a row. two nights. fucking a. i told myself id stop. but no. the door has been opened. bleh. maybe im still stretched too thin. maybe im stretched in the wrong places. trying to be friends with everyone doesn't really work. having so many different groups that work independently of each other that you feel obligated to hang out with doesn't work so much. so i contradict myself even now, i try to do things for myself only, but i feel obligated to hang out with certain people. i should just hang out with the people i want to hang out with. maybe then i wont be failing two classes. and then i wont be so depressed. i wont be as stupid. i wont be stretched so thin. it doesn't help that work really might not have been a good idea. at least not the job i got into. it's got weird hours, lots of travel, and is very stressful. one freaking screw up and im out of the job. uggggghhh i hate the real world. and they wonder why people die so young or get so depressed or so stressed out and do all this other crap. ill admit some of it is their own faults, but for some it is also because society is freaking L-A-M-E! sometimes i just wanna say fuck this shit and move on to the next adventure. ahhhh to die would be a great adventure. bloody brilliant.