February Begins

And now it is February. Is it bad that I still count the days, that I still remember the date, still think about it coming up in 11 days?

I've had a lot to think about since Feb 1st. A lot has come to bear. My eyes are opened wider, and now I can't feel anything but guilt.

Again I didn't make my intentions clear. Someone misunderstood me and now they are hurt because of it. I feel that it is my fault. My fault for not specifying that I needed time to move on, and that just because I was saying it doesn't mean it was totally true. My fault for not saying that I am single and will remain so, and that part of the reason I decided not to ask her out through phone was because I wanted to be single. A heart doesn't change over night, she knows that. And I don't mean to make her feel bad and upset, but I just can't be in a relationship right now.

All she needs to know in order to understand why, is "what if?" She understands that. It's easy to move on when you are under the impression the person you are trying to move on from hates you and doesn't want to talk to you. It is completely different when that isn't true. I would rather be her friend, of course, but that makes things more difficult.

All I need is time, and things not to be stupid because mistakes were made and I was unclear.

But I am clear now. I am single. I know where I stand with my emotions. I know where both of them stand with theirs. "What if?" isn't and issue. And at the same time, I need time. I don't want space, I don't mean alone time, I just mean time. I mean I need to be able to be there for her as a friend in whatever capacity that encompasses, I need her to be healthy again and not be depressed and sad. I want to see her smile again. So until then, my heart, body, and soul remains unconditionally with another. He will take good care of it for now.