For Shannon

Yesterday was the recognition dinner. I felt unworthy of being there. I don't do anything special, as seen by my short list of accomplishments towards the community. Rec games. That's it. But others do SGA and Circle K and all this other stuff, vastly earning their reputation and college education. They deserve their loans and scholarships. Me, I'm lazy and undisciplined. I don't deserve jack diddly. Maybe next semester I'll smarten up.
I played a lot of magic and got to chill with Ryan. Twas cool. I haven't done it in a while and we agreed and got along well. He won the beta fish from the dinner and promptly gave it to me. I named it Sammy. I don't know the gender so I picked an ambiguous name. Sammy will live a long time I hope. I've never owned a fish, but I've done some research and I think I have the basics down.
Ry and I also played some soccer at midnight last night. Yeah, I don't recommend it. Eye to foot coordination is necessary to play the game. He did well, but I think that was because the light was behind him. We also watched Sunshine. Interesting movie. Too complicated for me to get in one sitting, I'll have to watch it again at some point.
My mom wasn't that much of a nuisance. She went to bed before Ry and I went to play soccer. We came back and I told him he should get some rest, he didn't argue. And I went and watched some TV and played on my computer. When I came back I went to bed. My mom on my bed, my brother all comfy on the air mattress and sleeping bag. So what did I get? A sleeping bag and the floor. I didn't want to wake either of them, although I probably did anyway.
Oh well, they let me sleep in. Choosing to quietly read and play video games until I decided to wake up at 10:30. It seemed just like the beach house in July. Although less spacious, missing my father, no summer smells, and not as warm. I think I may skip that trip again this year. The beach really isn't my place, and especially not with my parents. I think I'm getting too old for it, lol. Wow. That is a horrible thing to say.
Lets see. Then we went to breakfast. Then they left. Then I played WoW. Then I got a phone call. Then I got off WoW. Then I fell asleep. Then I got off the phone. Then I couldn't sleep anymore (I was quite upset about that too). Then I got a visitor and showed off Sammy. And then the rest of the night was pretty much spent in the TV room. I watched some TV, played some flash games, talked to some people, played some trivia, watched some 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?'







And it is not enough. Not good enough. Emotionless. Powerless. Non-competent being. That is what I am. There was nothing. Has been nothing for a long time. Well... until she passed me in the hall. Said a few words, used 'captain, oh my captain.' Never have those words hit me so hard. I am finally an 'athlete.' I am a leader. I am a coaching leader. Bad... no good... no bad... neither... shades of grey... shades of grey... shades of grey... 250... maybe 215... nah i think its closer to 203... yeah thats it... 203... 203... 203... but not the way the words make me feel... that is definitely 0 or 1 or maybe even 2... but I'm positive it is 0. So beautiful. So precious. And yet the same old same old. I'm going to get myself hurt. Again. I'm gonna hurt others again. Why the fcuk can I not cntrool msylef? Am I dsteenid to esixt tihs way frevoer? I tinhk so. Aawyls flialng for the pretty ones. Haha... pretty is a beautiful word for it. An accurate word to me. But baffling to you, my reader.

Well be happy you got this much. Shannon's request opened up more than I would normally have shared. And maybe through this you'll understand. Just maybe. Maybe you guys will no longer be deer in headlights. Maybe I will no longer be numb... nah that won't ever happen...