Dear J

You listen to The Fray much? I'm sure you do, it is right up your ally. So I got a task for you: look up the lyrics to 'How to Save a Life.' You may find much there. In a Emmet, read between the lines but not too much, sort of way. It's there. All of it. You, me, your insecurities, and your ability to grasp the situation. So I'm gonna enlighten you. You say that all of this makes you doubt that I care anymore. I don't know how many times I've heard that escape your lips, too many to count to be sure, but has it ever been true? So why lose faith now? Oh because I'm doing something different. I'm saving your life again (metaphorically speaking of course), and you can't realize it 'til after the fact. You are trying to save my life, trying to pin down what you know, but it's not working. I don't need saving. And it's not because I'm safe, or anything, it is because I don't want to be saved and I don't deserve to be saved. And if you even say one word against why I do or don't deserve, I'll slap you (that goes for all of you). I deserve to be saved for all the same reasons as each other human being, however, I don't deserve to be saved because I don't want to be saved, because my own guilt says I don't deserve to be saved. And no one knows me well enough to say anything against that. You may have some idea, you may have the rough facts, you may know this and that, but truth is, you don't live my life, you don't know what goes on in my head, you don't know what I lived for and through. So spare me your saving grace. Save it for someone who deserves it.
So meanwhile you are destroying our friendship. Of course I am letting you. But that is because I am yet again giving you another lesson about life, I am yet again trying to instill in you something that I thought I already got across to you. Ha, don't think I'm gonna spill the beans on what it is, you're not that lucky.
You assume way too much, you take things way too seriously, and yet again I am gonna say this, but you take offense to way too much. Life sucks, life is gonna hurt, get over it. Honestly it is the ones you are close to who hurt you the most because a) you don't expect it and b) because they are the closest and know the most and can most easily do it. So when this or that doesn't turn out like you thought and it ruins all your plans, get over it and move on because that is what living for the moment is all about. Take it in stride, and dare I say grow a fucking set.
Case one: Yes I broke up with S. Yes I did the whole Dune thing with you. Yes I said there could be an us. But I never said when. You assumed right away. You made an ass out of yourself and me. You took offense when I told you it wasn't now. Hey that's what you get for assuming. You are the fucking queen of being unsure about this person and that person and needing space and time to move on and all those freaking 'what-ifs' where you had to break up with one boyfriend to explore possibilities with another dude. Gawd you're worse than a freaking guy. So when I turn around and need time you throw a fit and get all upset. Great, thanks. I may hold myself above everyone else and say I am a god (but that is because I think everyone is a god), but I still have 'human' needs and desires and motives and passions and mistakes. Okay thanks for the credit on being Mr. Perfect, Mr. Always Right, but uhhhhh face reality, please. I thought I was the one who needs to be in a mental institution for living too much in a fantasy world.
Case two: I tell you like it is. I start being brutally honest because the world is brutally honest. I tell you that you're not gonna be able to talk to me every night. You throw a hissy fit. Well golly gosh darn. I'm sorry but the world doesn't stop turning for you. Yes I would drop anything and everything for anyone, but not when all it is is to talk about our days. The 'Hey how was your day?' "Fine. How was yours?" routine annoys the hell out of me. I don't care how important it is to talk in a long distance relationship, get over it. It's not like I was trying to avoid you. But oh wait, that is what you thought I was doing.
Case three: Every single time that I don't return a call or answer, I am ignoring you. I am sorry I have an outside life and may be busy. I am sorry that I don't always have my phone on my or on or my ringer on. I'm sorry I don't check every five seconds to see if Jessica Johansen has called me.
Case four (the most recent to be sure): I am told that I was supposed to have done something that I never said I would do. And that is where I was blamed for not caring.
The problem is that I do care. The problem is that you don't trust me, this proves it. The problem is that you assume too much. The problem is that you are too set in your ways to see things differently. The problem is that you take me for granted. That is why I locked you down. That is why I have 'changed.' That is why I have disproved every notion of myself that you believe in. You believe in it too strongly. Learn to expect and accept change. Learn to expect and accept the ways of the world. Learn to expect and accpet things to not be at all how you want them to be. Then, and only then, will you be able to start learning who I am once again.


For the rest of you, I'm sorry I had to do another long one that doesn't involve you. I just take it personally when someone accuses me of not caring. I take it personally that they have the balls to say that after so many years of friendship and giving everything and taking nothing. She'll say she didn't really believe it, but that she didn't understand. Well maybe she'll learn not to assume when she doesn't understand, maybe she'll learn to train her mind to ignore what it thinks up in the petty blindness of the light. I may make a shadow walker out of her yet.
But it's the weekend. So I'm gonna enjoy the time off from work. I'm gonna sleep well and I'm gonna stay up late and all that jazz. :-D <---- That's my I'm pumped face.