Mrs. Timid-Pants

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That is right. That is how peeved I am. That is how annoyed I am. So much that words escape me at the moment. I mean that isn't a rare thing, but it seldom happens and is often far apart.
I mean COME ON! Seriously. The only way you know how to communicate with me is through facebook? Oh wait that's right, you don't think I'd answer you if you IMed me. You don't know if I will get a message you leave me there. You'd rather be ignored on facebook than on aim because you know at least on facebook I'm bound to at least read it.
You were the one afraid of our friendship changing. Guess what, it has. And wait, it's your fault too. Wow, imagine that. Okay, yes I closed up. Yes I don't always want to talk. People still seem to get around that, but not you. You take personal offense. That gets me peeved, and you all in a huff. It doesn't end well. Simple solution? Stop. If you say hi, and I don't seem very open to a deep and thorough chat, well leave it at that and try another day. How hard is that?
Welcome to living with me. Welcome to who I am. Welcome to the moth. You always knew I'd grow up. You just didn't suspect how. I told you. I told you it would be big. You just took that to mean even more amazing. Sorry, no such luck. How about less amazing? I am a grouchy, annoying, jackass of a prick. Get used to it. See why I saved you the pain and anguish of dating me? If you couldn't get over not talking every night, well that was light stuff compared to how I really am. In person I may sound inviting and caring, but that is just my voice. How else do you think I engender trust so well, my drop dead gorgeous looks? My voice and tone is naturally inviting and comforting. Sorry I didn't see you. I was tired. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I missed everyone from Chester. I missed the freedom. I missed the activities. I missed the fun. More fun than I've ever experienced in my life. But it was all gone. I dreaded this house, because I remembered the first 19 years of my life, I remembered Xmas break. Things were supposed to change, I was supposed to get all this freedom and new rules, and it didn't happen. So even when my mom promises to let me visit people on the weekends this summer, I'm not holding my breath. She'll probably tell me to talk to my dad because of mileage and wear and tear on the car and he'll say no because he doesn't want me to go, and because of mileage and wear and tear on the car. Or my mom will say the weather is supposed to be bad, or that the car can't take the trip. I've heard all these excuses before. I'm starting to refuse to hope or dream while in this house because the only thing that happens is I get crushed. My hopes and dreams get dashed on the jagged rocks at the bottom of a large waterfall. My dad still doesn't approve of my college choice. My mom tries to be supportive but has to remain in the strict confines of my father and the cautious life she chooses to lead.
Okay so no I didn't see you. No I didn't feel like leaving the house. Even though I hate being inside it. I was depressed and not in the mood to be 'cheered' up. It wouldn't have worked. It may have looked like it, because I am good at faking it, good at putting on a smile even when I'm not really happy, but I really wouldn't have enjoyed myself. I was too far gone. I am too far gone.
I couldn't even bring myself to pack in a 'normal' fashion. Wanna know how I packed? I had 4 hours before I had to be out of my dorm room. I had yet to touch a single thing. I spent 2 and a half hours frantically trying to figure things out. I jammed things here or there without thinking. I haphazardly threw things in boxes and by the end there was hardly empty space on my floor because everything was so spread out. Chris was confined to his bed, where he sat and laughed at my stressed out pacing.
So when I got everything packed in the room, I breathed. But only once. Once in, once out. I wasn't done yet. I had to somehow get all this into my car. It seemed so much smaller when it was all in its neat little home in the room. Maybe if I had packed better, smarter it would have fit better. Hell if I had packed it into my car a bit less spastically maybe it would have been better. But I did not. I grabbed a yellow bin, loaded it up with whatever, and put it in the car. I knew where the fridge was gonna go, and where the boxes were gonna go, and the giant hamper I refused to pack up. But I forgot about the guitar, and the huge white box. I don't even know how I got the white box to school in the first place. How did I manage to move into college with all my belongs, everything I thought I needed in the trunk of my mom's car, which is smaller than mine by the way. I mean jeeze.
Okay that was a long digression. I had all that. 3 hours of packing. 30 minutes trying to find and RA, who were supposed to be around and available, to check me out. If I didn't leave soon I was gonna hit traffic in Worcester. As it were I didn't say goodbye to Shannon. Now what is worse, not saying goodbye to a friend you won't see 'til later this summer (if you can ply permission out of your parents because you know it is like pulling teeth for anyone other than you because only you live 5 minutes down the road, oh and you don't smoke, or drink, oh and you didn't take their son's virginity), or not stopping by and saying hi to someone you haven't seen in months. I think Shannon wins. It is more likely I will see you later this summer than her. A) You won't disappear and you will keep trying. B) You can swing by my house just as easily as I can swing by yours. C) You live five minutes down the road (have I mentioned that enough times yet?).
Now let's see. 2 hour drive. Oh right, you drive 5 hours, sorry. But wait, how many of your hours is bumper to bumper traffic? Last I checked you don't go through Worcester. Yes I said I tried to leave early enough to miss it, and in truth I did arrive just shy of the worst of it. However, I did lose 20-30 minutes in Worcester. Yet, this does not bring me to the biggest reason why I didn't want to leave home and see anyone, or do anything.
So before I left for college there was an invisible cage, and I was but a small weakling inside it. There were boundaries and I knew where they were. I would often move about inside this cage and yearn to be on the outside. Then I went to college. You used the metaphor of a caterpillar in a cocoon. Sure. I hatched. I became a different person, a person more true to my inner nature. I became who I was meant to be.
Now I am back home. The cage was extended a bit at the end of last summer. You remember that. However, now the boundaries are the same as then, but I am bigger. I am too big for the cage. It confines me but I have grown too big that it is stifling. I knew it was coming, so I was depressed. I wanted to leave even less. It's like leaving a family and knowing deep down that you won't see some of them again. Not everyone is returning. Things aren't going to be exactly the same. Times were so great that I want them to be that way forever. It was the perfect escape from reality, while at the same time being part of it. I loved it. I want it back. But no, the semester is over. I can't have it back. It is slowly becoming less and less tangible as it pervades my memories and seeps into oblivion. Soon all that will be left are vague images attached to random feelings. That is depressing enough. I mean come on.
So I had 5 days to relax, to settle in, to try and get used to a new bed in an old room. It's not my room, it's not my bed. I've had trouble sleeping. I've had trouble getting used to the household. I've had trouble not being able to walk down a hall and find someone to hang out with. There are crap for videogames, crap for entertainment, crap for people to hang out with. Don't get me started on that stupid 'non-existent, eh?' crap. You kidding me? Where are you? Thank you. Not five minutes down the road. Okay, so non-existent was a good word for it then? Yes it was. Thank you. Remember that part about taking personal offense for everything? Don't. The things I do aren't personal. For every inch of selflessness that I play up, I am ten times more selfish. Why do you think I push so hard? For every time I try not to hurt someone, someone gets hurt worse. That's how the world is. Happiness is a goblet that is being passed around, when someone is happy, someone else isn't. While trying to save someone, someone else gets hurt. It's how it works. I want to save everyone, but I can't do it all at once, that is impossible.
While saving you, I got hurt. While saving me, you got hurt. We're even. I have changed none. I grew up yes, I realized deeper parts of me yes, that alters what you know about me yes, but you are the one jeopardizing your own relationship with me.
Whatever. Honestly this up and down crap is starting to tire me out. It's beyond a headache every now and then when you whine and complain about hurting yourself and blaming it on me. Now it's tiring and draining. I waste more effort ranting about how pissed off all this makes me feel, than I put into anything else on here anymore. That is sad. I could have been doing something semi-productive.
Don't worry not your fault. You can't help but be concerned, I get it. But it seems that you are always doing it 'wrong.' I'm sure that is frustrating. But be consistent, be logical, and above all else don't take things personally, especially when they are going to get you more frustrated or upset because it is not worth it and it definitely wasn't meant as you took it. It produces you being timid for a few days, then timidly approaching me in your 'I swear I'm innocent and hurt,' way (which isn't always true by the way), and then in the end I rant on and on and on and on and on and on.


God I must sound like a broken record to the rest of you. Sorry. Although there are some other tidbits in there for you guys to savor on. And this wasn't a complete waste, because she'll be upset because I ranted here and not in a return facebook message. She hates it when I put private things on public display. Hahaha. Oh well. Just proves I am conscious of every action I take, even my negative ones. Woops, did I say that I make negative impacts on people's lives? Yes I did, because it has been known to happen. Only Maryann is perfect... ;-)