"Life The Universe and Everything"... 1 yr. later...

It seems its been quite a while since the last time I updated this. I am sure that not many people follow it anymore, at least not as religiously as they used to. But things have been said and done and complicated, and then I dropped off the blogger scene for a while. Honestly I can't really blame myself, things were getting too dramatic and I needed to take a step back. Life wasn't going my way, but now it's time to say a few things. Maybe the people who used to read this will find this someday and learn something.
I am in a relationship. That is right ladies and gentlemen I am no longer on the market, as the saying goes. I am taken and loving it and not interested in changing my mind anytime soon. Okay so I'm not married. Okay so it's only been, what, I don't know, something less than a week. Whatever, I don't care. A relationship is a relationship. This one is more intense than any other one I have ever been in. It's way beyond all those high school 'flings.' And it's something different than what S and I had.
Her name is K. She is a Pisces and while I don't know if that is good or bad yet, I don't care. She is amazing and that's all I am concerned with.
I have to apologize to J. I'm not sure if you are still under the illusion that there will ever be an us, but there won't. I don't know if you still believe that your little ultimatum is on, but it's not. It never was. Actually it turned me away more than it made me feel better. So much like a lot of things you have done since the end of last summer. I was truly and completely honest when I said what I said last Thanksgiving. And even though it was under the pretenses of being in a relationship with S, I was still honest and truthful. It was the same with Spring break too. I'm done. You've proven that you can't be my friend while I am in a relationship with another girl. That has made me skeptical as to whether you can be my friend while I am single. Yes the roles have reversed and how ironic is it that they have reversed so perfectly. It went from you not having any interest in little old naive me. To something semi-mutual. To me not having any interest in little old naive you. Yes you are the one shaking in your boots, while I am as solid as stone. The thing that you need to understand is that I don't treat you specially different than others, okay well that's a bad way to put it. However, there is no good way to put it. I treat you like an adult, an individual, a free thinking member of society. That's what makes me so different from everyone else, but that is how I treat everyone. Just because I am so kind and caring doesn't mean I'm interested in you, I had to learn that lesson the hard way, and it seems you do too. I tried to teach you how to be independent that summer, seemingly so long ago. I'm not so sure if my lessons were learned anymore. So I am 'distant' now to save you pain. I've made you go cold turkey so that things will be easier in the end. The sooner you can desensitize yourself to your feelings for me the sooner you can possibly have your 'bud' back. I know you like letting me know everything that's going on in your head, but being informed of how much you miss me when you drive through or near CT would be best served in your own head, not mine as well. This paranoid existence is how we must live in order for you to survive.
I have to apologize to S. I can't be there for you like you need me. I haven't been able to since January. It's just not who I am. It took four months, but I believe it would have been a lie after that if we had stayed together. It would also be a lie if we ever got back together. When I do something it is final, and while my intentions may not have been completely concise and clear and organized, my subconscious knew what it was doing. I also acknowledge that my methodology was a little immature. I take full responsibility for everything. Everything since that day. All the crying and pain. I know I caused it. I know I could stop it. I just need to be selfish. I lashed out, which was completely immoral of me, however I still needed to be selfish and it seemed that that was the only way that my subconscious knew how. I don't think anything positive will come from us being close. You have your world, I have mine. I have gained morals and barriers and responsibility. I will help you as best that I can, but my words will have to suffice. A hug or two maybe. I am not changing, I am just distancing myself. You just can't be close with someone like me. It's hard to let people in and let them see and understand. I defend myself too strongly. My walls shoot up too easily. I've already built up blockers and mechanisms against you tearing down my kingdom. That is just the way it works.

I just have so much on my plate. I came to this school content to never be overly active in campus life, and more than satisfied to talk with the one person from home I still cared about. I came to school with this underlying thought of sticking it to my parents by getting involved in drugs, alcohol, and loose sex. I just wanted to spite everything they taught me and all the morals they tried so hard to instill in me. I wanted to fight the power for a change. I wanted to be the stereotypical child to run rampant after being locked in a cage their whole life then set free. I guess my subconscious listened. I still haven't done drugs, I still refuse to smoke, even think I'm allergic on some level. I have tried a few types of alcohol, but refuse to drink but with one person. She's the only person I trust enough. I also lost my virginity, thereby hurting someone who I used to care a lot more about. So much has happened. So much did happen. And all that was in 3 months, one semester. One very long 13 week span as I entered collegiate life.
I mean it could've and probably would've been worse had I gone to a party school, but something happened here at Chester. Someone once said I had outgrown my cocoon and became a beautiful butterfly eager to spread my wings. I used to agree.
After that long semester I had time to think, time to settle, time to adjust myself to life. I grew. I took all that I had learned during the fall and grew up. I wasn't a butterfly yet, I was still in my cocoon, I was still naive. There was just so much to learn in such a short period. My brain needed time to soak it all in and analyze it. I realized that I wanted something intellectual from a significant other. I realized that I didn't want to distinguish between male and female when searching for that significant other. I even decided to stop searching all together. I felt that it was unnecessary. I didn't need someone else, and no one else needed me. Bachelorhood is an excellent existence. I still rather enjoy the idea of it sometimes. Things are a lot simpler, and not because I can be flirty and flashy with anyone, I am still that way. However, I figured that if the right person was going to come along they were gonna do while my back was turned. That is how the sayings went, and since nothing else was working, it was time to listen to the sayings.
I won't lie and say that it wasn't hard sometimes. I won't lie and say that I was happy all the time. I won't lie and say that the world saw my true emotions and feelings. I don't think anyone did. I kept everything important to myself, unwilling to share anything with anyone. I was tired of drama and accusations and blame. I was tired of burdening myself with all the woes of society.
I am done.
Now I spend all summer having to live in the real world, finding out that it isn't half bad. I don't prefer it, but it is tolerable to a point. I still have all my dreams and know that I will live them out, however in the mean time I can survive in this world. There is ample sustenance and pleasure in being lonely. I don't know exactly what it is, but I did not spend all summer wallowing in self-pity, or crying myself to sleep from depression. In fact I did the opposite. I hung out with people, laughing over good times. Okay by people I mean C. However it was fun. She is amazing, a true friend. She simplifies things rather than complicates them.
I got back to school and one of the first things someone said to me was that I had grown up. I thought I was an adult, how could I grow up? But it seems that I was just a young little freshman last year after all. Now I am starting an ultimate frisbee club, actively involved in workshopping, running for President of a leadership committee on campus. I have 6 classes and a girlfriend. I need a job. I just don't think I will have the down time necessary to get all my old 'stuff' done. And yet I can't help but feel, despite all the pulling and tangling, that I won't be bored this semester. Aside from the fact that my room is a complete and utter mess, still, I think that things will settle down soon.
Maybe my heart will stop racing at some point in all of this. I don't know. I'm thinking of K as I write this as well. I'm thinking how completely she blind sided me. I am thinking on whether or not I want to tell her story and make it real by putting it on the 'page' or keep it in my head, keep it all to myself. It's as nonchalantly uncanny as a dream or fairy tale, but more real than any pinch or pin prick. I am definitely awake, I have determined that, this good of a fantasy would have ended a long time ago.
I met her while being a good OL. I shook her hand, heard her name, and let it go. She is shy and withdrawn. I noticed that from the get go. I had my list of young freshman girls who caught my eye, the outgoing loud obnoxious type who were societially appealing to me. The ones who were exactly what any stereotypical male member of society would enjoy and be 'in to.' Of course it was a short list, because despite the fact that I was looking at them in every stereotypical way, I still have morals and preferences. Not to mention the fact that this is a small school, although out of the like 60 new freshman this semester like 10 are guys. Great odds, no?
So K was just someone who I wanted to become friends with, someone that would need to be broken out. Like not allowed to be reclusive. Not to mention she is a commuter, therefore she needs to be 'picked' on even more about coming to campus activities and getting involved in campus life. I, being an OL, felt that it was my job to try and do this. At least to the best of my abilities and her comfort level.
Now there is a story that goes with this. It is her story, but that story is for her to tell and for me to keep for myself. I hold it close to myself as I sleep. It allows me to shut my eyes and head off into dream land when she is not there for me to snuggle with and keep warm.
The rest of my story goes as follows: One night, at 9 o'clock because of the guest freeze, we leave the dorms. She had hinted at wanting to hang out in some fashion outside the dorms because she didn't want to go home quite yet. I was inclined to agree, again I wanted to get to know her, become a friend. God this is sounding so scarily perfect. Upon reflection I did everything 'right.' Everything by the book. I didn't go all out, all flirty and overbearing. I wanted to be her friend. What did I end up with? The strongest relationship I have ever felt.
So we went up to Dal. I figured we'd shoot some pool, talk a little. At first we were all alone, I was asking some questions, personal and philosophical, and she was answering. Then T and K came and kinda ruined the personal atmosphere. I mean K and I weren't rude, we shot a round with them. We were sociable and such. I mean come on I'm always sociable. Besides T is my roommie so there is no reason for me not to be all giddy and hyper and full of sexual inuendos around him.
But after that one round of pool K and I left. We went on a walk. We talked. There was just something. Some connection on an intellectual level. More than J and I ever had. Stronger than S and I ever had. It's just the truth.
That is what has been going on. That is how things are happening. Honestly there is nothing more I can cram into this thing. Nothing more I can say, on anything. I've poured onto this page vagueness and revelations in such towering proportions that you should all just enjoy it. No need to get bitter over the truth, no need to get pissy over the future. Just live one day at a time. No day but today. Trust those sayings, for some odd reason they are always right...