I sit here in this chair in moderate comfort. Not comfortable to be able to fall asleep in unless I had been awake for 24 hours straight. But alas I might swing it anyway. I know I'm being complainy and whiney and bitchy and I should just fucking eat and sleep already, but I don't feel like it. So honestly I should shut up. You know what. Fuck it. I'm hungry and tired. I have been hungry and tired all my life it seems. I don't want to do anything at all. I just want to close my eyes and sleep, forever.
I don't even know right now. My head is not big enough to hold all the thoughts and problems and worries of the world. I need a hiatus. I don't want to. I like it when I can help people, it makes me feel special. But I think this weekend I am going to stay up really late one night and then sleep until I can sleep no longer. Or something else that will produce a great night's sleep. Ha, now that I think about it that probably won't happen without Shannon right next to me. Oh well. I'll manage. Do as I have always done. Care without caring. Ugggghhhh I hate these things wafting in and out of my head. I can handle my thoughts and the world's thoughts when there are just thoughts, but I have to think about school and work and future. TOO MUCH. Can't I just live one day at a time.
No! Fine. Time to flip the switch. This little lull where I am tending to let depressing thoughts and second guessing myself creep in will last no longer. I'm done. Optimism is my forte and I will not succumb to destruction. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not. I will not! No one can hurt me. I will not hurt myself. STOP! Out out you demons of stupidity.
Honestly, mortality sucks some days, but others I wish I'd die already. Then I force myself to be adventuresome, even though it is against my nature, so that there is no mediocrity. Most of the time I'll adventure before something becomes mediocre, but this time I didn't. Because really there is something very important to me that is spectacular and amazing and almost too good to be true. I get this way every single fucking time. I'm tired of it. So it's going to happen no longer. That's a promise. Dead poet's honor. Period.
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1 comment:
why don't you ever talk about your problems with me? you say everything is okay but obviously it isn't. i try to communicate as much as i can that goes through my head, you need to too. that is what being in a relationship is about. we are supposed to help each other, and me finding out about things going on in your head from your blog rather than your mouth really upsets me and makes me feel you can't trust me. so open up a little more and let me listen to your problems instead of you listening to mine.
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