and so it begins

the tug-of-war game with my sanity.

im jealous. i dont know why. i got that onesentence up and it hit even harder.

its not that i want to be with her... well it is... but i dont. i just thought i wouldnt have the attachment. but i do.

and so i must wrestle with my sanity.

i need to change the sheets. that might help.

it still wont save me against randomly smelling her smell, even the new one... so delicately laced in cloves... so nicely wrapped around my nostrils. it brings back moments. good ones. ones that ill never regret. ones that no matter how many times God could offer, i wouldnt change.

and look. tears. how nice.

im so weak. and i did it to my fucking self... again.

and still i cant level entirely with either of them. i cant level entirely with anyone. no one has gotten to that point of trust.

how hard it is for me to trust people and yet i expect everyone to blindly trust me.

such a fucking hypocrite.

and still im filled with doubt. im scared, what can i say. who wouldnt be. idk. something is wrong with me. i just need to sleep for years. five or six ought to do it. i dont want this job anymore. i dont care about money. i almost want to give up on classes for this semester. i feel so behind that it is irreparable. cant i just hibernate through this stage of my life. wake me up when it is over. ive learned enough. i want a break.

she taught me so much. and now it is gone. and ill never have it again.

and in true mentor student fashion she has imparted some of herself into me. cute virgins. they are quite attractive in a sadistic sort of way.

ugggh. im getting those thoughts again. and it scares me more. i shouldnt be thinking them, but i am. le sigh. no one is perfect. but i really do envy data sometimes.