blogging blogging blogging... keep me from blogging...

jk
i like blogging. its fun. it lets these three or four ppl know what is going on in my head.
when they can understand. i love how only those who i want to understand actually understand and those who just read it can try but they still dont understand fully. its cuz i leave everything so vague that it can mean a lot of things. yay me. not...
i figured out why i am depressed. and now that im writing this i cant remember. dammit.
well in the mean time. im gonna apologize to her. last night was interesting. im sorry if i took it too far. if i didnt heed any real noes or stops or whatevers. i guess we need to come up with a safe word. i think thats the best option with me. there is no middle ground for some reason. im either too cautious or out of control. like bad out of control. and i dont even realize it til afterwards. i think that is when i get the closest ill ever get to hurting myself. cuz i feel so bad. i really fear my own strength. my own lunacy. my own in ability to control myself. it freaks me the fuck out. and i am in the middle of doing it telling myself to stop or ease up and the "she likes it" overwhelms me and justifies it all. making it okay. when its really not. shes not my gf. even if she was. i dont want a repeat of that experience. going so crazy that i scare her. im glad she said something. really glad. now i fear myself even more.
so add that to the list. that i fear the future and myself.
but onto why i am depressed. i think its cuz there is something that i want so bad and cant have. i want it at an in human level, in human to my mind at least, at a beastial level and it disgusts me, making me even more depressed. so im extra depressed. and i dont want it. i try telling myself that i dont want it. i mean i like her, quite a bit actually. but some of the reasons i like her are the wrong ones in my head. i dont want them to be there. and the rest are just shallow simple stuff that i would prefer myself not to like her this much for. i want to be her friend. not big brother, god not that. i want to be her friend and get to know her a bit more deeply before i start to like her. and i dont even trust my own judgment. i feel it is tainted. that whatever connection i feel is wrong based on my wrong feelings toward her. uggghghh its just a whole bunch of wrong and right. why does everything need to be boiled down to wrong and right. cant it be simple. like me. life is so much easier when things are simple. but life cant be simple. bleh.
i think my hair is still long enough to need someone to hold it back while i puke. anyone up for the honors. and if i cant write tomorrow its prolly from going psycho on a tree. and by psycho i mean brutalizing myself.
i think its gonna be dangerous when i sharpen my nails into points. i think im dangerous for her. after tonight. having no control. just pressing harder and harder. that wasn't even it all. i could go so much harder. could get so much more fierce. im not even that strong. maybe i shouldnt start working out. id break her. i already almost break her. uhhhhhhhhnnnnnnn... can i die now... i want this adventure to be over...


comments are cool... even if you are speechless... or at least approach me in person or on the interwebs... that'd be cool too... cuz ranting does some things... but when im apologizing it'd be nice to know that the apology is accepted... idk... bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz